How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

"Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

2007-03-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

If you actually watch that show, the answer is "no."

I'm Sad That Anna Nicole Died

2007-02-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

Because it would have really been cool to see a celebrity version of the "Maury" show's "Paternity Tests Revealed" episodes. They could have even made it a pay-per-view event. I'd easily be in for $100.

I Think...

2007-02-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

...that the only reason Kenny Chesney was denying that he is gay recently is because he wants Tim Hardeway to like him. I really do.

Where Do You Live?

2007-02-13T08:35:00.000-08:00

I live in Overland Park, KS. I’m so proud.

I'm Glad It Wasn't Tanner Boyle

2007-01-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes good things happen, and sometimes things happen that depress me. Today was one of those days where I’ve gotten a little from both sides.

On the negative side, I’m bummed that the Oakland Raiders hired a coach who is younger than me. Now I feel a lot older than I did yesterday.

On the positive side, Kelly Leak from “The Bad News Bears” was nominated for an Academy Award this morning, and that makes me feel pretty good. He was out of the spotlight for a long time (maybe since “Losin’ It”), so I’m hoping he can stick around. I think we all need this.

And basically, I’m now holding out for the hope that the kid who played Engelberg is next up for the comeback. He was awesome!

Please Join The Quaggas And Be No More!

2007-01-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

I’m sick of the trend of using “man” before something that is normally associated with woman. I don’t think it’s funny, and this past weekend I think I may have reached my boiling point with it.

At first, I thought the word “mangina” referring to a gay guy’s ass was okay, but still not nearly as funny as saying “boy pussy.” Maybe if the real word was “vangina” instead of “vagina” it’d be funny to me. But it’s not, so it’s not. Also, I’ve heard the word “mankini” often (even on “The Soup”), and the same rule applies. It’s not like chicks are wearing “bankinis” on South Beach or anything. So really, it’s not that clever nor is it funny to me.

So I was flipping through the channels yesterday when “I Love New York” was on, and they had their “Mangeant” on, which was a pageant for guys. Or should I say, a “pangeant” for men. I didn’t even watch it after that, because I just think it’s so fucking stupid.

Pretty soon words like “mankup” (makeup) are going to be part of the lexicon, and then I think I’ll just give up all together. Maybe people are right and I am really depressed. I think that might be it. I’m just gonna blame it on this stupid trend and hope it goes the way of aurochs. And soon.

Fisty Want Sleepy

2007-01-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

So I had a sleep study the other week and before I left the lady told me that I have some form of sleep apnea and that I’ll have to come back for another visit. Well today I go to my primary physician and he tells me that I don’t have apnea, but that I need to go see another sleep doctor to see how I nap (or some bullshit like that) and the one they referred me to doesn’t take my insurance. They also want me to go see an ear, nose, and throat doctor. So basically I don’t know what the fuck is going on and I’m still really tired.

On a good note, I was 198 pounds this morning, so I’m two pounds away from losing 30 pounds overall and three pounds away from weighing what it says I do on my driver’s license. So at least I have that going for me. I’m taking what I can get, so fuck off if you don’t like it! Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m just cranky. I’ll be back tomorrow with something better (hopefully).

Sweet Justice!

2007-01-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

I had problems posting on this site today, which was frustrating. But I just want you to know one thing:

I’m really glad that Van Halen was elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Finally, Gary Cherone is getting the credit that he really deserves.

Nothing Much Here

2007-01-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure how I feel about “Surreal Life Fame Game” so far. I mean, I’m glad that C.C. Deville and Pepa are on TV again, and even the idea of Brigitte Nielsen and Vanilla Ice going nuts is intriguing. But after the first show, I’m not excited that much about the contests they did. Having people pick you to have a picture or grabbing random shit from a swag bag isn’t that exciting. Hopefully it’ll pick up, but I’m not sold yet.

Oh yeah, I never mentioned, but I made my weight loss goal of being less than 200 pounds by January 1st. I was 199 on the 30th and have held there since for the most part (I have occasionally been 200 pounds). So I’m happy with that.

The entertainment world really sucks right now when Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell is the most talked about story. I think only a feud between Melissa Gilbert and Emeril Lagasse would be less interesting to me.

Have a great week.

She Also Suggested Ron White, But I Don't Really Have An Opinion About Him

2007-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

So “The O.C.” finally got canceled. I haven’t watched it at all this year, and last season was horrible. So I can’t say I’m sad to see it go. But I hope Summer pops up on something else that I watch, like “24” or “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.” She’d really make the latter a lot better. For me.

Allegedly the Police might be reuniting this summer. If they do, I’m there. Wherever “there” is, I plan on being at it. Just thought I’d let you know.

When I went to Borders last night and was looking at comedy CDs, the extremely nice and helpful lady (no sarcasm…she was really, really nice) suggested Dane Cook to me. And I laughed, because I can’t really stand him right now, and I felt bad about that. She suggested other things too, which were good like Lewis Black. But I thought it was funny that she said Dane Cook to me. And I shouldn’t, because unfortunately he is the number one stand-up comedian in the country right now. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m a dick.

Have a great day.

I Love Bad Girls

2007-01-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

I have a new favorite show on TV. It’s on the Oxygen Channel and it’s called The Bad Girls Club. It is awesome. It’s about these seven “bad girls” who move into a house in Los Angeles and try to make themselves better. I think by “better” they mean “look like a-holes and drunken ‘hos.” I recommend that you watch this show, and they usually have on a bunch of shows in a row. The only problem is that the appropriately named Ripsi got hammered and kicked off the show after four days when she blacked out and attacked a couple of the other girls. We’ll see how the show goes now that she’s gone, but I will miss my little Ripsi. I’ve learned a lot from her, included that doing shots of tequila in the morning will sober you up after a night of drinking. I hope to someday see her again, hopefully on a season of “The Surreal Life” with Corey Haim and Shannen Doherty. That would really be a dream come true.

Have A Budweiser And A Nutty Bar!

2007-01-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I’m back. Sorry about that, but I just needed some time to not write. So I’ll be trying to update this often, which should be everyday. And with my new home computer, I should be better at updating too. So we’ll see. Here are a couple random things that I have thought about lately.

I think it’s funny that Britney Spears falling a sleep in a Vegas nightclub seems to get about as much attention as Saddam Hussein being executed or President Ford dying.

Budweiser’s old logo looks a lot like the Little Debbie logo, in my opinion. I think Budweiser pays Little Debbie to do that to have kids recognize the logo and will drink Bud when they're older. I really do.

Well, that’s about all I have for today. Talk to you tomorrow.

Little Break

2006-12-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

I think I'm gonna take the rest of the year off writing, just so you know. I hope that's ok. I just have a lot on my mind and I think I need to not have the additional stress that I put on myself to update this too. If I do have time, I might add an entry or two if I have something to say. Hopefully I will, but I can't promise anything.

So thanks, have a great holiday, and I'll write to you in 2007! Love ya!

No Wonder They Never Caught Jack The Ripper

2006-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

The British police force is pretty fast. They finally came out with a report the Princess Diana’s death was and accident. They were all over that one. It only took about nine and a half years to crack that one. Maybe they can help out with the Jimmy Hoffa case and the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Maybe even they can crack the JFK case with their skills and timeliness. I think if I’m ever going to commit a serious crime, I’ll have to do it in England. I’ll be dead before they figure out it was me.

Quick Weekend Wrap-Up

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

For the most part, the weekend was pretty good. I was still feeling like shit, but on Friday night we went out to celebrate Timmy’s birthday. It was karaoke night, and basically we were the only ones there. So we got to sing a lot of songs. I think I sang about seven songs, including such gems as “Working for the Weekend” and “Linger.” Yeah, I rock. And I was sober too. Hopefully Timmy appreciated it, because even though I was horrible (and worse than normal with my sick voice), I tried to be fun.

Saturday was ok. I was still sick, but not as bad, and we took the kid to Gymboree and then came home. That night we went to my wife’s last job’s Holiday Party, and it was fun. The food was good, and I got to have some free beer. Plus they still gave her a nice bonus (which is odd since she quit), so it was pretty sweet.

Yesterday blew as the game sucked. But I guess at least I got paid. That was the highlight I guess. We also set up our new fake Christmas tree, and it was the first time in a few years that we didn’t get in a fight about it. So that was nice. Maybe it will be a great Christmas.

Muncie Blue

2006-12-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

Apparently there’s gonna be a new reality show on TV where five celebrities (Jack Osbourne, LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada, Wee Man from “Jackass,” and some super-hot WWE chick are all going to be police officers in Muncie, Indiana. Naturally, Estrada will be awesome because he’s Ponch, as he was the baddest ass on the California Highway Patrol. You know he’s got skills. Wee Man and Osbourne I think will be fine, but I’m a little worried about LaToya, and not just because she couldn’t complete the physical test required to be on the force. Apparently she couldn’t do 25 consecutive push-ups (which I can barely do myself, by the way), but they let her anyway. But I’m not sure how smart it is to have the crazy Jackson on the police force (which is sad when you’re the one who’s considered the crazy one from that family). I’m not sure what the crime rate is like in Muncie, but I’m guessing that this stunt is going to make it go up. Wouldn’t it worth it to get a traffic ticket from Ponch? I think so. And I’m sure the town is full of dudes who want to get frisked by this woman:

I think I’ll be tuning in, if I don’t move to Muncie before then.

Have a great weekend.

Yeah, It's Just Around The Corner

2006-12-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote a nice little story about what I did last night, but I had to delete it because it would ruin the surprise of a couple of birthday presents we’re giving away. So instead, I’ll write about this:

Beer Trip III

As of today, if we go on the day that we’re planning, we leave in 230 days. Yeah, and I’ve already pretty much mapped out the whole trip, depending on if we can get into the places that we want to. I pretty much think that we can, with the exception of one or two places that might be difficult. As I’ve planned it out now, we’ll be hitting 19 breweries in five days, the majority being in the state of Michigan. So yeah, we’ll be averaging about four breweries a day if that happens, so I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a good time. I’m not entirely sure who is going to be joining me besides Timmy, Caddy, and Cruiser, but even with us four, it’s gonna be blast. So Dal-beeyotch, get to work on those buttons!

<---------------------------
Cruiser's artwork during an important meeting

I Might Have Missed My Chance To Become A Legend

2006-12-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

Man, this week sucks. Now I’m getting sick, so that just makes things all the much crappier. But no one wants to read a blog from a complaining, sick jerk, so I’ll talk about something else. Or at least try.

Last Saturday I worked the Big 12 Championship at the stadium. The game was kinda boring, and it was really cold where I was sitting (inside, even), but at least I got paid for it. And unlike the other games I work, I had a field pass, so a couple of my friends and I walked around the field a few times while the teams were warming up, which was kinda cool. But late in the game, when I was actually working, our director asked the cameramen to try to get a shot of former Sooner Brian Bosworth and country music douchebag Toby Keith, who were both on the Oklahoma sideline. Many thoughts were in my head. Could I leave my post to go down to the field and punch Toby in the face? I’d surely get fired if I did, but I think my street cred would go through the roof if I did that. And why couldn’t that knob have been down there when I was down there before the game? I could have at least called him a stroke or made fun of him for being a “hard-working Ford man” or something else. So naturally, I was kinda bummed about it. I mean, I wouldn’t really have punched him in the face (although I’d have been tempted), but it would have been nice to tell him about other bars he’d love where all the different types of white folk hung out. That would have made me feel like I mattered. Instead, I just did my job. There should be no doubt that I’m a great employee.

Another Shitty Entry!

2006-12-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

I'm only working a half day today because the maintanence guy came by this morning to check out the elliptical trainer just to make sure everything was tip-top since the warranty expires on it next week. They said that he'd be by between 8 AM and noon. They were right. He literally showed up at 11:59 AM. No joke. 11:58 AM would seem more realistic, but it was 11:59 AM. He at least called me at 11:10 AM to tell me he was about 45 minutes away, but yeah, that was pretty sweet. So I'm in another terrific mood, plus I think I'm getting sick and apparently I'm in charge today at work when I wasn't supposed to be. So yeah, today kicks ass. Kill me please.

Not Much Of An Excuse...

2006-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

...but I think that my sports teams' losses this weekend have kinda knocked the wind out of my writing sails. Kansas losing to DePaul and the Chiefs losing to the lowly Browns doesn't have me in a writing mood. Maybe tomorrow. Love ya.

I'm Only Up To Good

2006-12-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I’ve been really into all the cool causes lately. And I haven’t really been trying. But I’m down with all the hip causes now. I mean, when they had the Great American Smoke-Out the other week, I didn’t have one cigarette that day. And now, African-American leaders have requested that everyone (especially rappers and comedians) stop using the N-word, so I will follow suit as well. Now granted, I think I’ve only smoked about five cigarettes in my life, and most were to piss off someone I was with who was smoking, and plus, it’s probably been a few years. And I can’t tell you the last time I even quoted someone who used the N-word, without saying “the N-word,” and I don’t think I’ve every used it on my own in my life. But still, I’m a part of the solution, not the problem. So who’s with me? I know Kramer isn’t. He probably smokes, too.

I Saw Them When They Were Good!

2006-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

Well, Greg Wiggles is leaving the Wiggles. At least I was able to see them earlier in the year with their original lineup. So if any of you suckers go see them now, it’ll be like seeing Van Halen with Gary Cherone. So lame.

Adopt Me Too!

2006-11-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

I hate people. At least most of the time. The thing that’s bothering me now is the whole Madonna adoption thing. People are pissed because they think she’s getting special treatment in her adoption of the Malawi boy. You know what? She probably is. And you know what, who gives a shit?!?!? Really. What do you think is best for the kid and will give him a better life? Living with a rich lady or living in poverty in Africa? And I don’t even like Madonna, but seriously, this kid has to be PISSED right now that people are trying to prevent him from getting adopted by her. I would want to be adopted by her, even with her faux-English accent. The kid’s dad even wants her to adopt him. So people really need to mind their own fucking business and not get involved in something that will make a kid’s life much better. Fuckin’ people!

Everclear = Our Nation's Independence

2006-11-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

I think Everclear is the perfect radio band for me. I like them, but I don’t own any Everclear albums and don’t really feel the need. I think it’s because they get played about the perfect amount on the radio. Whenever I hear an Everclear song on the radio, I am pleased. And when the song is done, I’m fine. I don’t have a desire to listen to them more than that. Yet, if it was some station’s “Four Play Weekend” and they played four Everclear songs in a row, I’d be kinda excited about it. Maybe Everclear is the musical equivalent of the Fourth of July to me. You see, I never really look forward to the Fourth of July, yet it always ends up being a great day. But I’m not sad when it’s over either. And I never look forward to a song when the deejay says, “Coming up after the break, it’s Everclear.” Yet, if I keep the station tuned in and I hear “Santa Monica” or some other Everclear song, I’m pretty happy. So basically what I’m saying is that I hope Everclear is playing a concert around her next Fourth of July.

My Long Holiday Weekend

2006-11-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

My extended weekend went like this:

Wednesday night we went to the Uptown Theater in KCMO and saw my sister-in-law’s boyfriend’s band, Red Line Chemistry, perform. We had a really good time, and they were really good. I was impressed. Good show! Check them out if you get the chance.

Thursday was a good day. We went over to the in-laws’ house for our Thanksgiving meal. I played outside with the boy for a while until we ate, but Doncock and I had to leave at 2:30 PM to go work the game. So our time there was brief, but it was nice nonetheless. The game was good in that the Chiefs won, but the halftime entertainment was about as expected when the artist played songs that came out at the latest four years before I was born. Nothing against John Fogerty, but it’s kinda lame to have him as your “exciting half-time entertainment” when he was at his peak thirty years ago. Someone more contemporary would have been nice. Like Loverboy.

Friday and Saturday were pretty uneventful, as on Friday night I went to the 75th Street Brewery with some friends, and then Saturday night we went to some friends’ house for game night, although I just watched my kid and took him home early when he was getting tired.

Yesterday was a lot of yard work. Cleaning the gutters and hopefully the last of the leaves that I’ll be doing. I was beat after that. Pretty much worthless, to be honest. More so than usual. Besides helping to clean my kid’s shitty pants, I did very little once I was done in the yard. I was in bed before 9:30 PM. And that was my weekend.

Oh, and I weighed 206 pounds this morning, so I’m down 20 and 7 short of my goal to be under 200 by January 1st. Just so you know that I’m still working on it.

I hope you had a great holiday. Talk to you tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

I don't have much else to say, really. I just hope you have a great weekend. And remember to watch the Thanksgiving night game to see an exciting halftime show starring the one and only John Fogerty, who will be playing hits from as recently as 1970! It'll be the best time ever!

Love you!

What To Watch

2006-11-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

My pal Just Rose asked in the comments yesterday, “What's good on tv?” So here’s what I’ve been watching lately:

“The Office” – Probably the one comedy that I have to watch every week. It helps that I work in an office where I see people who are similar to the characters on the show. But this is probably the second funniest show on TV right now. Best show on broadcast television.

“Breaking Bonaduce” – I am 100% serious about this: this is the one show that I HAVE to watch. It’s the most fascinating show on TV, in my opinion. It is riveting, because it looks like at any time Danny could either: a) kill himself; b) kill someone else; or c) both. And the thing is, I don’t like any of the people on the show. He’s a douchebag. His wife is a major bitch (which is understandable considering she’s married to him, but she really does suck). The therapist looks like David Gest and is creepy-looking like a child molester. I seriously think that if everyone watched this show for one episode, they’d be hooked. Especially from last season. I know no one doesn’t really want to watch some former child star in his reality show, but it is unlike the other celebrity reality shows. This guy has genuine problems, and they don’t have to deal with spoiled kids wanting to be stars like “The Osbournes” and “Hogan Knows Best.” His kids actually seem okay, which is probably why they don’t get a lot of camera time. This isn’t a feel-good show at all. It just makes you realize that when you’re life really seems fucked up, that it’s not nearly as fucked up as his. Not even close.

“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” and “30 Rock” – I’m not putting these down because they both deal with the off-camera aspects of a “Saturday Night Live”-like show. I’m putting it down because I’ve been watching them both since they debuted (to much hype) and they’re okay, but nothing too good. Sometimes they have great moments, but most of the time they’re all over the place. Yet, I’m sticking with them. For now at least. They’ll both probably not last more than a season anyway, but maybe the good moments will be more frequently.

“The Soup” – This is the funniest show on TV right now. And I would say that this is the show to watch if you don’t watch anything else during the week. I think everyone should watch it. You can catch up on most of pop culture in a half hour, and it’s the funniest thing you’ll see. I think sometimes I could be a writer for this show, but then they pull some shit out that makes me realize that I have no talent at all. If you watch this show and don’t laugh at least once, you’re dead on the inside. Or maybe just have no sense of humor at all.

Well, I think those are the only shows I Tivo for myself. I also watch “South Park” but their season is now over. And I watch reruns of “Seinfeld” and “Family Guy,” and watch “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report” when I think of it. So besides sports, that’s about it. Hope you’ll watch one, if not all of the shows.

Have a great weekend. I’m taking a week of from doing the leaves, so you’ll have to wait on more exciting leaves reporting. And I might not have anything on here until Wednesday, because I’m going to be away from a decent computer for a day and a half. But I’ll try. I’ll miss you.

My Kid, Rocking The Show As Blue

2006-11-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

My kid, rocking the show as Blue, not a member of the Bloodhound Gang.

(Click the video to get the reference)

He's A Bad Man

2006-11-16T11:42:00.001-08:00

I didn’t watch “Dancing with the Stars” at all, but there’s no way Emmitt Smith could be a better dancer than Slater. There’s just no way. Not even “The Sprain” would be able to overcome Slater’s skills. I’m not saying I’m pissed or anything, but seriously, that show has no credibility at all. Crappy.

If there was ever any doubt, O.J. Simpson is one of the five worst people in the world. Just reiterating that after hearing about his book, “"If I Did It," in which he discusses what he would have done “if” he would have killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Not only do I find him a horrible person, but I think the publishers are going straight to hell too. Freaking insane!

That’s all I’ve got. Any ideas on stuff for me to write about, please comment in the “comments” section and I’ll try. Otherwise, I’ll try to have something for you tomorrow.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With A Guy-On-Guy Massage

2006-11-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

I got my haircut today at the fancy schmancy salon I go to (I’m friends with the girl who cuts my hair). When I went inside and checked in, I was offered a free chair massage by some dude while I waited since I was early. I didn’t think twice in saying, “No thanks.” I don’t know if that makes me some degree of a homophobe or not, but that was just not going to happen. I’m all about getting a nice massage from a woman, but I have no interest at all in getting one by a guy. Not that I’m afraid that I’ll get a woody or anything, but I just don’t think I could relax with some dude rubbing me down. And I’m pretty sore too. I could have used the massage. But I don’t think it would have helped me much. Especially because “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” by Culture Club was playing on the radio. Yeah, that didn’t help.

Random Shit

2006-11-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

I don’t have a whole lot to offer you today. Because I really don’t care much about Tom Cruise marrying Katie Holmes because Tom Cruise really hasn’t made a movie that I really liked since “Risky Business.” Actually, that might be the only one. I guess “A Few Good Men” was okay if you like over-acting. And sometimes I do. Katie Holmes doesn’t really do it for me, although I must admit I’ve never seen “The Gift.” I think I just saw a pic of her once with a really bad cold sore and ever since I haven’t been a fan. Plus I can’t think of anything she’s been in that I’ve seen. So basically I don’t have a whole lot to say about that.

The Anna Nicole Smith thing just disturbs me. Not just that her kid died. Not even that she made a life commitment or whatever the fuck she did to the non-shock jock Howard Stern, who is a douchebag. I think I just really hate when adult women talk baby talk to non-babies. I hate that. And she does that a lot. So no C-section footage for me, please.

I think I’m gonna join the club and sue the makers of “Borat” too. It just seems like the hip thing to do, like the ’06 version of fucking Madonna. I just need a good reason to. The best I have so far is that it almost made me piss my pants, but I don’t think I’d get more than $3 for that. Oh well….I’ll keep thinking.

Have a great day.

I'm Pretty Special

2006-11-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was kinda taken aback. You see, my wife and friend Timmy threw a birthday party for me at a local brewpub. And a shit-load of people showed up. I was floored. There were probably over 30 people there for my birthday, and I was shocked that that many people would show for that. Granted, the place is pretty cool and my wife reserved “the nest,” a loft upstairs, so we could all be to ourselves, so maybe it wasn’t so much for me as it was a chance to get out and have some good beers on a Saturday night. But anyway, I felt really good about that. Overwhelmed even. I have a lot of great friends and they made me feel pretty good. So I guess I need to stop saying that everyone hates me now. Everyone but about 30 people hate me.

I did more yard work on Saturday, but this time my friend Timmy told me a secret about getting the leaves. He told me to mulch it first, and then go back over it again and bag it. We had even more leaves than we did the previous week, and it took me about four hours and 22 bags to finish it. Well, following the Timmy method, I was done in about a little over three hours and only 12 bags. I actually got compliments from my neighbor’s too about how good of I job I did. I was feeling pretty good about myself. Until Sunday morning (and not just because of my hangover). I looked outside, and sure enough, there were plenty of new leaves on the ground. So you can expect another leave-picking-up story next Monday. I’m sure you can’t wait.

A Little Prick

2006-11-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

You wanna know what’s stupid? Taking your kid to get a flu shot and letting him or her know that you’re taking him or her to get a flu shot. That’s just dumb. You’re just gonna make your kid freak out. I’m 32, and I wouldn’t want to know I was getting a flu shot. Granted, I’m much more of a pussy than most four year olds, but I’m sure they’d freak out less not knowing what was coming. Anyway, my kid was surprisingly really good about it last night. I think he’d do it again, just to get the green lollipop that he got when we left. But never, never, never, never, never would I tell my kid what was coming until we got into the room. Maybe I’m a dick, but that’s what I’d have to do. For my head.

Anyway, I don’t have much else to say. It’ll be a weekend of yard work, as the 22 bags of leaves I mulched last week will easily be beaten this weekend. I hate trees. I want to kick the shit out of all trees. At least in the fall. I hate them. Well, have a great weekend, and I’ll write down some more boring shit for you to read on Monday.

R.I.P. Ed!

2006-11-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

I’m kinda sad Ed Bradley has died. I sorta liked the guy. Even with the earring. The thing that I don’t get though is how did he go before Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, and Andy Rooney? I mean, he easily looked to be in the best shape of them all. I know he died of leukemia, but I’m really more shocked that he went before the others. I’d probably even have picked Leslie Stahl in the “60 Minutes” dead pool before Ed. Anyway, I thought I’d just say that I’ll miss old Ed.

I was thinking about what was the least shocking celebrity news of the week. Most of you are probably thinking that it’s Britney filing for divorce from K-Fed (by the way, I love it that the press is now calling him Fed-Ex). I think you’re wrong! Not even the divorce of Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon is up there. To me, it has to be that Daniel Baldwin got arrested again. This time, for stealing a car. I guess the shocking part is that it wasn’t for drugs or something drug-related. So maybe he really is improving himself. Someday Stephen’s gonna have to show him God, like he found. And you know it’s sad when you can look to Stephen Baldwin as a role model. Poor, poor Daniel.

The Only Negative I See About "Borat" Is The Thousands Of Douchebags Who Will Be Imitating Him For Years Like They Did With Austin Powers

2006-11-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

First off, go see “Borat” when you get the chance. It is fucking hilarious. One of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time, which I know doesn’t say much considering how few movies I’ve gone to see lately. But go see it. You’ll be glad you did. Unless you’re just some giant prick who has no sense of humor. In that case, just go fist your neighbor’s cat.

So Election Day has come and gone, and I’m kinda sad. Just because there’s plenty to write about. And I know I’ve written about this before, but I just don’t get why people put political signs on their lawn. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen a political sign in the lawn of someone and thought, “Wow, the crazy cat lady with the wooden cut-out of the fat chick bending over in her garden likes Angus Lattimore for City Commissioner! Maybe I should vote for Angus too!” That doesn’t really sway my vote. Not even the sign in the meth house down the block proclaiming their allegiance to Bumfuck Jones as County Clerk will make me vote for good old Bumfuck. So I just think it’s a waste of paper. Oh, and if you call me to vote for so-and-so, I’m voting the other way. Although actually, that’d be a good way to get me to vote for your candidate, pretending to get me to vote for the other person. Hmm….I’ll have to rethink my strategy on this. My one person, half-hearted, semi-protest might need to be retooled. I guess I’ll just let you know what I decide for the 2008 election. Stay tuned!

This Is Late, But I Can Explain

2006-11-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry about this entry. I had issues with the computer where I usually update this site. And today, I wasn't able to WORK on that computer. And now that I finally can update it (and not from my place of business because that would get me in trouble from the adult tattle tails (or is it "tales")), I will WORK on it quickly. And well, I guess that's it. So sorry. I hope you had/have a great day. I should have something better tomorrow.

Later, bitches!

NPH Is What?!?!?!?

2006-11-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend went really fast. Friday night we went to the mall so the kid could play, and then later I met some friends out for drinks. Saturday morning/afternoon I worked a boring D-II football game, and then went to some friends’ house for dinner. Sunday, it was working in the yard mulching 22 bags of leaves, and then spent last night at the in-laws’ for a birthday dinner. Pretty exciting stuff, I know.

I’m still in shock about Neil Patrick Harris being gay! I’m not disappointed or upset, although I’m worried about his career. Especially since his two highest profile roles lately were poon-scamming guys (especially playing “Neil Patrick Harris” in “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”). Hopefully he can keep going along getting roles like that, but who knows. Although Tom Cruise still does, so maybe there’s a chance.

Have a great week!

When I Drink An IPA, My Pee Really Smells Hoppy The Next Day

2006-11-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

I think I’m gonna get to go see “Borat” next week. So I’m pretty excited, as the last movie I saw in the theater was “Failure to Launch” and that really fucking blew sack. And if Borat is half as funny as I think it’s gonna be (and as it’s built up to be), I’ll be happy. I really like Sasha Baron Cohen’s whole Andy Kaufmann-esque persona of being interviewed in character, never as Sasha Baron Cohen. I wasn’t a huge fan of “Da Ali G Show” when I saw the one episode I saw, but maybe I need to give it another shot. Anyway, that’s my exciting news about my future plans.

I went out to a bar last night to watch the first KU game of the season and the West Virginia/Louisville game. I also sang “Hold On” again (sorry, Doncock, that I sang it without you). When the song was done, I told the bar, “Suicide is not the answer,” and then told some random chick at a table while I was walking back to mine, “We’ll make it through this. Just hold on and things will be okay. You have so much to live for!” (She actually laughed much more than I would have imagined, since it really isn’t that funny.) I also had a few glasses of Free State Ad Astra. So when I took a piss this morning, my piss smelled a little like Ad Astra. And I don’t really know why, but that made me smile. Just like when a bird shits on a loud, arrogant businessman’s suit. Yep, just like that.

On that nonsensical note, have a great weekend. Kisses to all!

Tell Me What I Want!!!!

2006-11-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

Anyone have any suggestions for what I want for my birthday? I’ve said I wanted work shirts, but I don’t want work pants because I’ve lost 16 pounds so far and I’d like to lose about 15-20 more (at least) so hopefully my waistline will keep shrinking. And I’m really worried that someone’s gonna buy me something like a K-Fed CD or something, and no one wants that. Especially me, since he’ll get royalties on it. That’d be wrong. So any ideas would be appreciated.

Oh, and I already have a kegerator, which is the best gift any woman can buy a man. In fact, a friend of mine bought her boyfriend one for his birthday last week, and yeah, he thinks it’s the greatest gift too. As do all his friends. So that’s my word of advice for any woman looking to buy the perfect gift for her man. Kegerator. Fantastic. Can’t do any better than that.

Move On Already!!!!

2006-11-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

Almost every day when I walk into work I walk past an SUV that has a couple of anti-Bush bumper stickers on it. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about it because I don’t really have a super-strong feeling either way about Bush (at least that I’ll write about), but one of them says something to the effect of “Mission Not Accomplished” and then has a line that says “MoveOn.org.” It also says something to do with voting Bush out of office in ’04. So I find that funny. Someone has a bumper sticker for the website “MoveOn.org” yet the sticker references the ’04 election. It makes me laugh because I find it hypocritical since they can’t move on themselves. But that’s just me.

Happy Halloween, Scantily-Dressed Women!

2006-10-31T07:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween everyone! My thoughts on Halloween have changed dramatically in the past few years. I used to think it was stupid for adults to dress up in costumes on what I perceived to be a kids’ holiday. Now, with the proliferation of slutty costumes for women, I’ve become a much bigger fan of the holiday. Whether it’s the naughty nurse, the sexy Strawberry Shortcake, or the slutty hippy chick (redundant, I know), I’m all about Halloween now. I’m still not going to wear a costume to work, but I now really enjoy the holiday as an adult. So cheers to you, slutty costume industry! The world is a much better place for having you!

At my work we have a few security measures to pass before we can get to our desk. First, we have to use our badges to get inside the building. Then we have to use the badge again to walk through the walkway to the stairs. And finally, we have to show the security guard our badges. The security guard at my building is a lady who’s probably in her late 40’s or 50’s, and is really nice. She always says, “Have a great day!” “Have a great lunch!” “Have a great afternoon!” or “Have a great night!” whenever you walk past her. Really, really nice lady. So today, when I walked in, she said, “Happy Halloween! I really love your costume!” Since I wasn’t wearing a costume (see previous paragraph), I knew she was trying to be funny and I liked that quite a bit, although she was a little more energetic than I was expecting this morning. She added, “So what are you today?” I told her that I was a dorky office worker today, and she let out a loud cackle. She said that was the best response she’s gotten all day, so I feel a lot better about myself now. I’m a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.

So have a great Halloween, and I’ll check back with you on All Saint’s Day!

Another Title For St. Louis!

2006-10-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

I live in the metro area of the 16th most dangerous city in the United States (Kansas City, MO). This really alarmed me, because I always thought this area was kinda safe. Apparently, not so much. Luckily, it’s not as bad as the city on the other side of the state, St. Louis, which is the most dangerous city in the country according to the latest report. And the data was even compiled and considered before they won the World Series. Actually, the Cardinals’ victory may have sealed their victory in retaining the title next year, as the number two city was Detroit, whose Tigers they beat. I didn’t see a lot of riot coverage on Saturday, but I’m imagining St. Louis did some serious damage, and more compared to Detroit who has a team a more recent World Championship (the Pistons). Although knowing Detroit, they might have taken this as a challenge. They lost the World Series, so maybe their pride made them want to riot more (and be more destructive) than St. Louis. The people of Detroit are a prideful bunch, and I think they might be taking solace in the fact that they can still riot like no other town. So I take that back. I’m sure Detroit will come out on top in 2007. I believe in their people.

Oh, but back to the Kansas City being number 16. This was alarming to me, but then I saw that Lee’s Summit, MO, which is right by KCMO, was the 19th safest, so I think I’ll be okay. And I didn’t see any data on the Kansas side of the state line, so apparently we’re in the middle. Or we just don’t count. I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Random Survey Crap

2006-10-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I don’t really have much to say today, but Timmy sent me this email and I thought I’d just post it on my site. Here it goes:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name): Dr. J. Goodman

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy): Jack Whatchamacallit

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: ( 1st initial of first name, 1st two or three letters of your middle name) D-Mic

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Penguin

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Michael Kansas City

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.): Kerdaoheas

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, favorite drink): The Green India Pale Ale

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first name of both your grandfathers): Joe Jack

9. FUTURISTIC NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne and the name of your favorite shoes): Bellagio Crocs

10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother/father's middle name and the next name you hear on the tv/radio/talk): Edwin Jason

Have a great weekend!

"In West Philadelphia, Born And Raised..." (Enjoy That Song In Your Head For The Rest Of The Day)

2006-10-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hi people of Philadelphia (I guess I was linked to a popular Philly blog, so I’m kinda excited). I love your town. At least I did the one time I was there. Fun place. And Just Rose lives there, so I like that about it too. I hope to visit you again.

My pal Keith is going to be on the radio tomorrow, thanks to your votes, so be sure to listen. Here is their website, so listen in and give him feedback. And vote for him if they have another vote. I don’t really know how they determine things. But help him win any way you can. He deserves it. Thanks.

The first episode of season two of “Breaking Bonaduce” was good, but not great. But the scenes for the season do look promising. I hope he starts drinking again, and that he stays on steroids. Because otherwise he’s just pathetic. Instead of pathetic and a train-wreck.

“South Park” has to still be one of the best shows on TV. If you haven’t seen it this week, you really need to.

Um, that’s all I’ve got for today. Check back with you tomorrow.

I Love Political Ads

2006-10-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

You may have heard that there’s a battle in Missouri about stem-cell research which is related to the Senate race. And my opinion on this blog is based only on the celebrities on the campaign ads, not the actual issue. I just want to be clear. On one side, there’s an ad with Michael J. Fox endorsing Claire McCaskill because she supports stem-cell research. For me, it’s pretty powerful, because he’s definitely struggling with Parkinson’s Disease and stem-cell research is something that gives him hope. I think having hope is important. So I think he’s an effective person for McCaskill’s cause. On the other side of the ballot for Jim Talent’s campaign, they’re having two athletes who don’t currently have good feelings towards them on the left side of the state because they’ve been part of shitty Kansas City Royals teams, Mike Sweeney and Jeff Suppan. Sweeney has been practically stealing money from the team since he signed his four or five-year contract extension at $11 million a year, and Suppan was no good when he was a Royal but has had success since leaving the team. The Talent campaign also has the star of one of the most controversial movies in the last few years, “The Passion of the Christ’s” Jim Caviezel, who was in a movie that many, if not most, Jews found offensive. And then they have Patricia Heaton from “Everybody Loves Raymond,” a TV show I never saw but from every guy I know who has seen it, says was the biggest bitch wife on the history of television. So just in star power alone, I think McCaskill has a big edge. At least in terms of Royals fans, Jews, and men. Oh, and fans of “Teen Wolf.”

It's Funny How There Wasn't Any Mention Of Her Father In The Article I Read

2006-10-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

So porn star Mary Carey dropped out of the California governor’s race. You might remember her from when she ran back in 2003 in the run-off election. Unfortunately though, she won’t be going on any further with her race to Sacramento. The reason: because she’s gonna help care for her mom who jumped off a four-story building. The reason for her mom jumping off a four-story building: according to Carey, “She's schizophrenic and didn't take her medication and jumped off a building.” Sure, that’s the reason. Schizophrenia. I’m sure the fact that her daughter is a famous porn star had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all.

I Approve Jack Shit

2006-10-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

Well, the World Series is all tied up at one game apiece, and I’m pretty happy about that. Not because I’m glad that St. Louis won a game on the road or that Detroit battled back to even the series. I’m just glad that there isn’t going to be a sweep. And not because I want to see a long series so that we all can enjoy some baseball for a few more days. I really just didn’t want it to be a sweep, either way. You see, my wife is traveling to Detroit for work this week, and she’ll be there on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. If the series was a sweep, Wednesday night would be the final game, and I really didn’t want her to be in Detroit when the Tigers either won or lost the World Series. Any reason for the city of Detroit to riot, they will. And they do it like no other (that includes you, L.A., although that’s not a challenge). I just know that this week will be a lot better knowing that my wife won’t be in downtown Detroit when the World Series is decided, so I’ll be able to sleep a whole lot better. Whew!

There’s a political ad running in the area which some dude attacks his opponent. Not really news, I know, but this one is kinda special. The dude’s ad claims that his opponent has bad values because she used to work for “Penthouse Magazine.” To me, that’s a bonus. I’m not sure what side of the state line she’s on, but if I can vote for her, I will be. I’m not really even concerned what her stances are on other issues. I whole-heartedly believe that this woman needs to hold some high-ranking political office. Usually I would just vote for her because the dude attacked her in his ad, but more than anything, the ad provided me information that will definitely make me vote for his opponent. I’m really starting to love political ads. Especially now that it appears that they aren’t saying that they “approve this message” at the end of them. Now I’m really looking forward to my birthday, but only because it’s Election Day! Yea politics!!!!

There Are So Many Great Things About Beer!

2006-10-20T07:18:00.001-07:00

I don’t have much time today, so this one will be short. But I just wanted to tell you that since I’ve been working out, I’ve been drinking a lot less. I’ve really only had beer twice to drink in the past three weeks (three times if you want to include when I had about four small samples on the brewery tour). And while I feel that my body is looking better and I feel somewhat better, there really is a glaring negative about my drinking less (besides me missing the delicious flavor of beer). I no longer have an excuse if I do something stupid. You know, like Mark Foley and Mel Gibson had. Not that I plan on going on some pedophiliac rampage or think I’ll start blaming Jews for the gray hairs in my eyebrows (which I really hate, by the way). The only dumb things I really do are just say the wrong words at the wrong time, but I can’t even blame that on beer now. I guess I’ll just have to go back on my old stand-by excuse: my stupidity.

Have a great weekend!!!

Derr!

2006-10-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I’ve mentioned that I’ve been working out a lot again, but one thing about this that I’m having a lot of problems with is the lack of good shows on basic cable (which is what I have in the room where my elliptical trainer is) at 8:30 or 9 PM at night. Lately, the show of choice that I’ve been tuning into has begrudgingly been “The House of Carters” on E! I know, I hate myself because of it, because it really isn’t a good show and they act like a bunch of spoiled kids (which they indeed are). Yet, I still watch. I think the thing I think about most when I watch the show is how did youngest kid Aaron get with Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff. I mean, he’s not really a good looking dude. And more to the point, Lindsay would be a much better person if she sent Aaron some of that Proactiv solution that she blabs about in infomercials. I mean, I don’t have good skin, and I didn’t when I was 18, but dude needs to put his celebrity bucks to good use. Sure, he can still pull boy band ass now, but in three years when he’s touring with the traveling production of “Napoleon Dynamite: The Musical” he’ll be wishing he kept better care of it.

Not To Generalize, But People Suck

2006-10-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Just a note: we are only four days away until the return of “Breaking Bonaduce,” and I for one cannot fucking wait. Dude is a train wreck, and the fact that Dudee is dumb enough to let people film what a complete fuck-up he is is my gain. I don’t know if he can ever top breaking the coffee mug on his own head, but he’s definitely got the potential to.

I’ve been getting really pissed off at work lately, and one reason is because there are a lot of inconsiderate idiots there. Lately, the thing has been to schedule meetings or conference calls between 11 AM and 1 PM. Yeah, this really pisses me off. And every time (EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!) the person who sets up the meeting says, “I picked this time because it was the only time everyone was available.” Yeah, asshole, that’s because that the time that everyone likes to have their lunch, at the midpoint of their day. People deliberately try to keep that time free so they can have their turkey sandwiches and bags of Sun Chips, not so that you can have a meeting to complain about people not giving your issues enough attention. And I really did have a noon conference call where the purpose was for this chick to complain to everyone on the call about us not meeting her needs, and it ended up being more like a group counseling session than anything else. I felt like I was listening to a rerun of “Dear John,” only without the witty remarks of Judd Hirsch. And I really enjoyed that call, because hearing someone bitch about stuff that I didn’t do for an hour over what should have been my lunch break is ideal. Inconsiderate cunt!

To quote Sgt. Harvey Walden IV, "Have a great fucking day!"

Today Feels Like A "Wrench" Day

2006-10-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I’m pissed, I think about “Good Will Hunting.” I do that a lot, for many situations. Strange, I know, but this is why: I think of the scene where our hero talks about how his foster dad was going to beat the shit out of him, but he got to choose whether it’s gonna be either a belt, a stick, or a wrench that the foster dad was going to use, and he says the he’ll pick the wrench because, “Cause fuck him, that's why.” I don’t know why, but some days it seems like a “wrench” day to me.

Although He Might Be More Interested In Stockard Channing Stories

2006-10-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Boss’s Day to you bosses out there! Although you ain’t the boss of me!

I had an okay weekend. I got to go out on Friday night, which was nice. I even took a brewery tour on Saturday, although it was kind of a letdown because the brewery didn’t include their new addition on the tour. Then I worked out a lot the rest of the weekend. I was down to 215 this morning, down about 11 pounds in about 18 days, which I’ve really worked on. So I’ll keep posting my progress to keep me motivated, not because any of you care.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I overheard “Good Morning, America” talk about how Diane Sawyer was going to be in North Korea, and how they were “shocked” that the North Korean government was allowing a member of the U.S. media to enter their country. For me, this makes perfect sense. The president of North Korea is Kim Jong-Il. He is allegedly a big fan of Hollywood and stars, and I think Diane Sawyer is probably the only media member he would let in. I mean first of all, she’s pretty hot, which I’m sure helps, but for me it’s a no-brainer because her husband is Mike Nichols. The same Mike Nichols who directed “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and “The Graduate.” He’s directed Ann-Margaret, Jack Nicholson, Elizabeth Taylor (when she was still hot), Richard Burton, Dustin Hoffman, Warren Beatty, George C. Scott, Meryl Streep, Harrison Ford, and Julia Roberts among many others, so I’m sure that’s pretty impressive to Jong-Il. Of course he wants her to come into his country. He probably would even agree to a sit-down with her, just to have her tell him “Hollywood” stories. I honestly believe that. Well, only if they agreed to make him appear taller than her, which might involve some of Nichols Hollywood connections to get some George Lukas-type special effects, since she’s six inches taller than Jong-Il. Anyway, I’m not shocked at all about this, except for maybe the fact that it took this long to happen.

If You Know Me A Little Bit...

2006-10-13T06:41:00.000-07:00

...you know that I hate Jim Belushi. David Cross is one of my favorite comedians. David Cross also hates Jim Belushi. Anyway, the guy on stage in the white shirt and white hat is David Cross, who saw Belushi "performing" at some show, I believe in Martha's Vineyard (for $40 a ticket, no less). Anyway, this is what happens, and for me (and maybe me only), this is about as funny as it gets.

She Does Charge $1000. An Extra $100 If Someone Else Watches.

2006-10-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

I’m exhausted. You see, I’m finally working out again, and I’m just really tired. But I’ve lost eight pounds in two weeks so far, but I still have about 25 more (at least) to go. Just thought if I wrote it on here it would keep me motivated to keep on it.

I know I just wrote about this the other week, but just so you know, watching “SportsCenter” yesterday, the talking heads reminded me at least three times that Corey Lidle’s death “really puts things in perspective.” It was good timing too, because I was really close to offing myself about the Andrew Bogut injury. Now everything’s back in perspective, so I can continue to go about my life.

I find it interesting that Tara Reid is blaming her lack of recent success (or even work) because of a botched boob job and liposuction. I saw a few episodes of “Taradise,” and I’m pretty sure the problem had a lot more to do with her talent (or lack thereof) and that Chick could drink and party like a member of Motley Crue. I mean, I’m pretty sure Beer Trip II would have been a vacation on her liver. At least Paris and Lindsay have the excuse of being young. I’m not sure what Tara’s excuse is (she’s 30). Hopefully for her, she won’t have to make money the way her character wanted to in “The Big Lebowski.” Although it might be her best option.

I've Definitely Watched Way Too Much "Saved By The Bell"

2006-10-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, Kansas City legend Buck O’Neill died. He was truly a great man, and the world is much better off for having him in it. He gained a lot of fame for being such a classy man, as well as being a great humanitarian. The fame and success he gained for his humanitarian efforts was very well deserved.

One person who also was a great humanitarian but never got the proper credit was Zack Morris. Sure, the dude became psycho when Kelly Kapowski dated other dudes (especially Prof. Lasky), but he really was a great human being. Here’s a guy who’s dated chicks in wheel chairs, danced with fat chicks at school dances, dated chick wrestlers, and even dated that lesbian Tori when she was on the show while Jessie and Kelly went to skank camp. I don’t think he’s ever gotten the credit he’s deserved. And I wanted to give him that. Atta boy, Zack!

"The Who?: Rome" (Inside Joke Probably One Person Will Get)

2006-10-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Okay. I feel better today. Thanks for your concern.

Last night my wife was watching “The Bachelor: Rome” while I watched football. I really can’t believe that this show is still on the air. It’s not so much that the show isn’t really that good (which it isn’t, as I’ve seen more of it than I ever would have wanted to), but the fact that these chicks go on the show to find the man of their dreams on a TV show driven by ratings is beyond my understanding. Why can’t they just go to the race track like the rest of us? I guess I just don’t get the appeal. Maybe it’s because they get to be on TV and go to Rome to try to marry an Italian “prince” who doesn’t speak Italian, but that’s just odd to me. But I guess it gives me hope. Maybe I’ll find out I’m an Irish or Croatian prince someday. I won’t even have to learn a new language, apparently.

I’m so happy that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again. Not so much so that they can act like the first syllable of “country” to people on their “reality” show. Really, it’s because I can’t wait for the next falling out to happen. I’m not sure if it’ll be a boyfriend thing, or if Nicole will be hilarious yet again by making a joke out of Paris’s porn tape. Because that’s funny. Anyway, I really can’t wait.

Screech it coming to town this weekend to do his stand-up. I hope he can find some publicity to get people to go see him. I wonder what he could do to help get the word out...

Well, that’s all I have. I think I’m gonna go back and watch the “Buy your own, Quiznos” infomercial I saw last weekend and work on my career. Toodles!

I Feel About As Funny As Gallagher

2006-10-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have a bit of an ego. It’s not very often, but when I do it’s usually about the fact that I think I’m pretty damn funny. Well, I went to the Smoking Gun website the other day, as I do a few times a week, and I ran across this hilarious article. So now, I feel less funny. A lot less funny. I was just going to tell you a recap of my weekend, but nothing I write can be as funny as the rider for Iggy Pop and the Stooges. So enjoy this while I go cry and try to rebuild my comedic ego. Lunch at the Olive Garden if anyone wants to join me!

Dartboard. Tee hee!

2006-10-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Just a few thoughts before I leave you for the weekend:

I feel better about me writing about “The Breakfast Club” yesterday. I had a meeting this morning where people were imitating Beavis, Forrest Gump, and Austin Powers. I was almost waiting for a “Who you gonna call?” line, but no luck. But then I think, who am I to make fun of lame, old movie quotes? I probably quote “Stripes” at least ten times a day. I’m a hypocrite. Although the “Stripes” quotes aren’t lame at all.

I think it’s funny that every time the news talks about Congressman Foley, the pedophile, I always want to call him Matt, as in Matt Foley, Chris Farley’s motivational speaker who lives in a “van down by the river!” I think it’s even more funny to me because having not read the IM transcripts, I’m guessing that’s probably where the congressman tried to lure the young men to go visit him.

I think it’s funny when Jim Rome refers to a skank like Paris Hilton as a “dartboard.” I might have to steal that for my own use.

I say, “I have my moments” way too much. I need to cut down on that. Maybe I need a swear jar type thing to cut down. Any other suggestions are welcome.

Well, my weekend will be spent with some of my wife’s out-of-town friends tonight, and working what might possibly be the last Kansas City Wizards game I’ll ever work. Kinda sad. Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend, and I’ll check with you on Monday.

And Ally Sheedy Looked A Lot Better Before Molly Ringwald Gave Her That Makeover

2006-10-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

You know what movie should be everyone’s guilty pleasure, but no one feels guilty about liking? “The Breakfast Club.” You know why? Because everyone seems to love it, including me, but it’s not a good movie, especially the acting. Last night, as I was working out, there wasn’t really anything on that I wanted to watch. So I watched “The Breakfast Club” on ABC Family, and yeah, it’s not a good movie. Yet, I always watch it whenever I see that it’s on. So I watched it last night, and I really realized how bad the acting was, especially Emilio Estevez (“Be the best, Andrew! Be a winner, Andrew! We won’t have failures in this family!”). Anyway, I could go on and on about it, but since it came out over 20 years ago, it’s probably not that hip of a topic. And also because I embarrassingly like it. Yet, I just don’t know why. Judd Nelson’s Patrick Ewing-like nostrils probably play a part in it though.

Help A Dude Out!

2006-10-04T06:28:00.000-07:00

I need some help. I don’t ask for much, and even when I do (like more comments) you either ignore me or tell me to go fuck myself. I understand this. I’m not a huge fan of me either. But in this case, I really need you to help me out. Please. Actually, it’s not for me so much as it is for a friend of mine, Keith Gates, who is trying to win a contest to be a radio morning show personality in Kansas City. They have an on-line voting process, and if you could help him out and vote for him, he would love you for it. Probably not literally, but maybe. Just ask. He’s friendly, so he might put out for you. He seems kinda slutty actually, now that I think about it. Anyway, if you would be so kind, please go to this website and go to “Group Five Voting” on the left column of the page and vote for Keith Gates. And forward it to others if you would be so kind. Please. And if you won’t do it for him, a guy with a dream and a heart of gold (and someone who is legitimately funny), do it for me. Because holy shit, life would be so much fucking better for me if he won and I didn’t have to deal with him at my current job any longer. While he’s funny, he’s a pain in the ass in person and it would much better if I could just shut him off with a click of a button or put in a CD instead of listening to him. So thanks, and God bless you all.

Fire The Weapon, Poindexter!

2006-10-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

Every year the networks hype all their new shows, and usually I don’t bite. This year, I did, as I’m watching “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.” And I do like it quite a bit. I’m not sure Amanda Peet is that good of an actress, but at least she’s nice to look at. Matthew Perry is actually pretty solid, as he isn’t playing the unlikable pussy that he was the last few seasons of “Friends.” I do like the fact that Tim Busfield is in the cast too. Anytime you can add a character who was in both “Stripes” and “Revenge of the Nerds,” I think you have to do it (and I have to support it). The one thing that is kinda funny to me though is Bradley Whitford’s voice. When he gets on was of his rants, I think he sounds exactly like Matthew Perry does when he does the same thing. If you watch the show, next time close your eyes when they’re arguing, you’ll see that they sound the same. At least to me. Anyway, that’s my TV suggestion for you.

The Mark Foley story is like a terrific (although sick) O Henry story. Being a leader in the Congressional crusade against pedophilia and then being caught as one, now that’s real irony. Not that “not actually irony” irony from that Alanis Morissette song.

Finally, Happy Birthday to my wife! She turned 32, and looks like she’s in her mid-twenties. If you’re reading this, I love you and hope you have a great day!

If Only I Thought The Food Was Better

2006-10-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Every day for lunch, I usually just bring something into work. Usually it’s a turkey sandwich, but today, it was chicken and noodles. But I think that all might have to change. I think I need to start going to the Olive Garden. I’ve only been there like once or twice, and remember it only being okay at best. But their commercials are really reeling me in. Everyone really has a good time at the Olive Garden, or at least during their commercials. I mean, the food is pretty good from the people’s reactions and their repeat trips back, but the conversations and laughter that happen there really make it seem like a great place. Even the really stupid comments and extremely unfunny jokes get a tremendous amount of laughter. Sometimes even, the jokes are so stupid and don’t make any sense, yet everyone at your table will get hysterical over them. It’s a real ego boost. I guess if I ever decide to do stand-up comedy and need an ego boost, I think I’m just going to go to the Olive Garden and work on my material. It’s a fail-safe method, I think.

I'm Ready To Throw Down (Or Whatever It Is That Non-Pussies Say)

2006-09-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

You know the scene in “Fight Club” where Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are talking about who they’d most like to fight? My recollection of the movie isn’t as good as I’d like it to be, but I think at first Norton said he wanted to fight his boss, and then Pitt said his dad. Then Norton came back and said that he definitely wanted to fight William Shatner. Once in awhile I think of that scene, and I think about what my response would be to that question. Recently though, it’s a no-brainer. Especially around 11 PM. If I could fight anyone, it would definitely be Geraldo Rivera. I cannot stand that piece of crap. And it really has nothing to do with his viewpoints, as I’m not even sure what they are. And it isn’t even because of his stupid mustache. Well, maybe a little bit has to do with that.

No, the main reason is the end of his show, “Geraldo at Large” (which I only see because “Seinfeld” comes on right after it). He does this Sammy Sosa-type thing where he kisses the tips of his index and middle fingers, and then turns his hands around and gives the camera the “peace” sign. It is the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen many episodes of “CHiPs”. I just really want to punch him in the face when he does that. Or throw a chair at his nose like those skinheads did on his old show. I mean, it kinda sucks that I have something in common with a skinhead, but I really think I with them when it comes to douchebag Rivera. Sure it’s for different reasons than the neo-Nazis, but I’m a big supporter of a chair to Geraldo’s face, no matter who’s throwing it.

Worst Coach Ever!

2006-09-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you’ve seen those Nike commercials with the Briscoe High School team. Anyway, it’s about a “high school” football team. According to the Nike website, the team consists of many star NFL players, including LaDanian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, Troy Polamalu, Matt Leinart, and Ron Mexico, and is coached by Hall of Fame head coach Don Shula. To restate myself, these guys are NFL stars, yet they’re on this imaginary high school team in the commercial. So you’d think with having these stars on the team that they’d be pretty dominant. Well, they’re not. They beat some pretty good high school teams, but these guys should be able to contend for a Super Bowl with their roster. I mean, this high school team has Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart as its backup quarterback. Yet, they barely squeak out games. One game they were trailing late at the end, and they needed a half-back pass from Tomlinson to get the winning touchdown on the last play of the game. They had to resort to a gadget play to win a high school game. Anyway, I guess my whole point is that Don Shula must really be a shitty coach. No wonder Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl. He’s also probably the main reason that Ray Finkle missed that kick. They should kick him out of the Hall.

Although I Bet The Acting Is Better Than It Was In "Showgirls"

2006-09-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I heard about the Screech ménage-a-trois sex tape that is rumored to exist per the New York Post. My thoughts on this tape are as follows:

1. I don’t really care. If Screech wants to give some dirty skank a Dirty Sanchez, that’s their business.
2. I don’t ever want to see it. Unless the two chicks with him are Selma Hayek and Natasha Henstridge, I’m not interested. And even then I’m not so sure.
3. I’m really concerned that this is going to be put up for sale by my birthday or Christmas, and some wisenheimer is going to buy it for me for either one. Please don’t. Seriously. If you’re my friend, you wouldn’t pay money for this. It’s kinda like someone buying me a joke Larry the Cable Guy CD or DVD. Sure, it’s mildly funny, but the real injustice is that he’d get residuals for it. Same with this. Buying this only encourages people to put out a Screech sex tape because they’ll make money, and no one wants that. Except maybe his publicist.
4. Finally, this would have probably been a more effective way for him to raise money for his house. Unfortunately. What a sick world we live in where that’s probably true.

Goddamn Yard Work!

2006-09-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

So last night I got home and got to mowing the lawn. Pretty exciting stuff, right? Okay, not so much, but the old guy who lives across the street stopped me while I was mowing to chit-chat. And by “chit-chat” I mean say things to me like this:

“The English are so goddamn stupid! They don’t know how to make a goddamn road that works right. They just build the goddamn road, and then before it’s finished they put a goddamn building in the way so the goddamn road has to stop. It’s so goddamn stupid. I told them that they’re lucky that the U.S. saved their goddamn butts in World War too otherwise Hitler would have crushed their goddamn asses! Those goddamn people weren’t so fond of me. Oh well. The English are just so goddamn stupid!”

“The French are just so goddamn filthy. When I was in Europe, when I was in the service for 15 months during the ‘bad time’ over there, me and my pals called them ‘Pigs’ because they’re so goddamn dirty. Those goddamn people never bathed. Goddamn filthy pigs!”

There was more, but those were a couple of the highlights. Eventually, I was able to get back to mowing. And by “eventually” I mean about 20 minutes later. Old guy likes to talk. About an hour or so later, I went outside to finish watering the lawn. I was rolling up the hose (literally I was; that’s not a euphemism or anything), and lo and behold, Old Guy comes driving out again, once again just stopping at my driveway and wanting me to come talk to him. After a few minutes of exhilarating lawn-care conversation, he then started telling me about the people in the northeastern U.S. I got some nuggets of info like this:

“I was in New Jersey once when I was driving my truck, and some goddamn driver from there made a crack about how I made a ‘starvation wage.’ I told him that my house was a lot bigger than his goddamn flat. And he was stammering, stumbling, and stuttering when I said that to him. Goddamn northeastern jerks!”

“Some goddamn guy in Baltimore once asked me if the west, where I lived, was a rough as it was in the movies. I told him that it wasn’t that bad, but I carried a 30/30 Winchester just in case some goddamn Indian tried to attack me. The guy gave me a look like this (he gaped) and I told him that I didn’t shoot the Indians to kill. I just shot them in the shoulder to knock them back. And that goddamn northeastern believed it. They’re so goddamn stupid!”

This conversation lasted another 20 minutes before I could escape. No wonder why I hate yard work so goddamn much!

Damn, Rachael. Would 20% Kill You?!?!?

2006-09-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today was my son’s first day of preschool. Hopefully he’s doing well, but it was weird dropping him off at a place that wasn’t his sitter or his “GaGa’s house.” The funny thing was that he’s the new kid at the place, and he right away went in and played and sat down next to other kids like longtime friends. At least as “longtime” as a two-year-olds can be. I think once he got in there he was ready for his mom and me to leave. When we left, the lady there said, “He sure is social, isn’t he?” That’s my kid. He’s probably already the craziest kid there. I have little doubt. Oh yeah, and my wife said she cried as we left preschool. I thought I was gonna be a little emotional, but he was having fun right away so I was fine. I hope that continues.

I meant to write this awhile ago, but this was kinda funny to me. I taped an episode of Rachael Ray’s show “$40-A-Day” because she was visiting a brewery in whatever town she was in. In fact, she’s quite a drinker. She seems to do that a lot on that show. Anyway, my wife was watching it with me, and after Rachael had her dinner and showed the total amount of money she spent that day, my wife goes, “Well no wonder why she can get by on spending less than $40 a day! She’s a shitty tipper!” To me, that was pretty damn funny. And true by the way! Get on it Rachael. Quit being so fucking cheap!

Oh, and the Flying Monkey Brewery Open House was awesome. I must have told each of the five owners at least three times each that they need to bring back their Christmas Ale. I just hope it works.

Alright. I’m working on having more of these this week, but we’ll see. Love ya!

My Apologies

2006-09-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't written much lately because I've been home watching the kid as he starts pre-school next week and we didn't have anyone to watch him last Thursday, Friday, and today. Also, my home computer really sucks, so I've tried to post a few blogs at home and it never seems to work. So let's hope this one works.

Other than that, I've been a little sick, but I'm going to a brewery open house on Sunday, so I'm excited about that. More to come when I have time and a better computer to write from.

Thank Gosh For Sports Talk Radio Personalities To Put It All In Perspective For Morons Like Me

2006-09-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Um, well, let me tell you that last week sucked. It sucked big time. Not one of my better weeks. For a week without any tragedies or serious problems, it was one of the worst weeks I’d had in a while. Most of it had to do with work, although there were a few other stressful moments. My wife was in Vegas with the girls, so I was on single dad duty for much of the week. I’m not complaining about that, because I get to go on Beer Trips, but this week was just rough and very busy, plus I was acting supervisor for the week. But I’m going to stop writing about it now because no one wants to read some jackass complaining.

On that point, I understand that today is the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, but I am sick of hearing people say, “Today really puts things in perspective.” I’ve heard them talk about this in regards to the Chiefs losing yesterday. “You know, today is a day that you have to remember that football is just a game.” Really, just today? Because normally I hole up in my basement and just sob uncontrollably for about three days. I was about to do that today as well, but someone on the radio reminded me that it is different today, because it’s the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Now I realize that football is just a game and doesn’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things. Thank god for radio personalities to bring this all in perspective to me. I’d be lost without them. Because I’m a fucking moron.

I Hope That Song Was About Lisa Turtle Or Another "SBTB" Actress

2006-08-29T08:26:00.001-07:00

Almost every day when I go to work, I take my son to either the babysitter’s or my mother-in-law’s house to watch for the day. So in the car ride to drop him off, I usually have on a Wiggles CD for my kid to listen to. And it really sucks having to listen to “Quack Quack Quack Cockadoodle-doodle-do” and “Hot Potato” EVERY MORNING. It’s not so much that the songs are horrible, but more to the fact that I have to hear them EVERY DAY! And then one of the songs will be in my head the rest of the day. Usually either “Fruit Salad” or “Toot Toot Chugga-Chugga Big Red Car.” And when I get back in the car after dropping him off, I immediately change stereo to the radio, just hoping that some song that I like is on the radio so I can have a different song in my head all day. Sometimes I don’t even care if the song is good. I usually put on the local Jack FM station (the station that plays every pop song from the last 40 years) because they’ll usually have something that will do the trick. Although sometimes it backfires and it’ll be Journey or Foreigner, and then I’ll have to change the station right away and usually not find anything else on the radio and be stuck with the Wiggles in my demented head. Well, yesterday, after hearing “Dorothy the Dinosaur” for the 1,749th time this month, I turned to Jack FM. The song that came on was “Crazy For This Girl” by Evan and Jaron. Now, I know, that song is pretty lame, but for some reason I kinda like it still. You see, about eight years ago I was a promotions intern at a radio station, 102 The Zone. It was an adult alternative station, and when I was there the station just changed formats and I was actually their only intern. So the semester that I was there, we didn’t have a whole lot of big time promotions because the bands that came in town usually didn’t come to see us. They’d go to the more established stations and have fun on their wacky “Morning Madhouse Zoo with Deke and Dave” or whatever the fuck they call the stupidest radio shows on the air in every city. Well, one of the first ones we had was a coffee shop show for Evan and Jaron. It literally was at a coffee shop a half block from the station, and I’m not even sure they promoted it on the air. I didn’t even know who Evan and Jaron were, and I’m guessing most of you still don’t know them. Anyway, I had to walk with Evan and Jaron to the coffee shop with their guitars and their other equipment. One of them was pretty friendly, and the other one I think was dating someone in Hollywood and was talking on his cell phone to her. Maybe that’s who they wrote “Crazy For This Girl” about. We got there, and the friendly one went to use the pay-internet there while I helped set up the area where they’d perform. When I was done (which took about five minutes, maybe less), one of them offered me a tip for helping them. I didn’t accept it, but ever since I kinda liked them. I thought that was pretty cool of them. So lame as that song may be, I was glad that song was in my head all day. I just hope I wasn’t accidentally singing it out loud or anything.

What In The Worlds?

2006-08-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is going on lately? I'm seriously getting pissed. Pluto is no longer a planet?!?!?!?!? Seriously, that is the news this morning. I am at a loss. I mean, what can I believe anymore. I mean, first Floyd Landis has his Tour de France victory taken away (or he is in the process of having his title stripped), and now astronomers have voted down Pluto as a planet. What the fuck? I'm just guessing all the astronomers are French. Assholes!

Beer Trip II: Day Five Recap

2006-08-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

You know, there’s no reason for there to be any suspense for Beer Trip II Day Five, because it was a fun day, but pretty uneventful. Basically, we went to three breweries in Nebraska. The first brewery we went to was Thunderhead Brewing Company in Kearney, Nebraska around 11 AM. It was located in a cool little part of this little town, and surprisingly the beers were outstanding. Very, very good. I was shocked how good they were, considering that this was just a small town that actually had two breweries. We only ate appetizers, but they were good too. Our next stop was in Lincoln where we had a light, late lunch at Lazlo’s Brewery and Grill, which featured Empyrean Brewing Company’s beer. The place was cool, food was good, service was very good, and the beers were okay. Nothing much to write about there. Finally, we got into Omaha around 4:15 PM where we had a light dinner at Upstream Brewing Company. Most of the beers were weak, some were pretty good, but again, besides being located in a cool building in a cool part of town and having good service, there wasn’t much to say about it. Then we drove through a ton of rain the three hours back to my house.

And that, my friends, was Beer Trip II.

Beer Trip II: Day Four Recap

2006-08-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

Day Four of Beer Trip II was a really, really good day. We started up later than usual, because we had a 11:30 AM VIP tour at the New Belgium Brewing Company. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what to expect from a “VIP Tour” at New Belgium. You see, a while back, I was at a liquor store where I was buying some New Belgium 1554 (because we were brewing a clone of it). I was looking to see what else was at the liquor store when I overheard a couple of guys talking about New Belgium. I looked up, and one was an employee of the liquor store and the other guy was wearing a New Belgium jacket. The employee walked away, and I went up to the New Belgium guy and said, “Sorry, but I overheard you talking. Do you work for New Belgium?” He said he did and told me his name was Scott. We were talking about their beer “Two Below,” because I wondered if they were going to bottle it. He said it was just on draft only for now, and then we proceeded to talk about beer for a few minutes. At the end of the conversation, he said, “If you ever go to Fort Collins, you’ll need to stop by the brewery for a tour.” I responded, “Actually, I’ll be going there in August on a beer trip with some friends, and we are definitely going to be going there.” He seemed kinda surprised, in a good way, we talked for a few more minutes about Beer Trip II. Then he said, “Here’s my card. Send me an email when you know when you’ll be there, and I’ll set you up with a VIP tour.” And we went on our ways. A couple days later I emailed him thanking him for taking the time to just talk beer with me for a few minutes. Back in April, when we locked down the time when we’d be in Fort Collins, I emailed him again, and he told me he’d work on setting up a VIP tour for us. He emailed me later that same day with a day and time. That was about the extent of it. A couple weeks before we left on Beer Trip II, I emailed him again, just to make sure everything was set, and he said it was fine, just to show up there a little before 11:30 AM to check in.

So we get up to the brewery about 11:10 AM and go to check in. One thing we weren’t expecting though: the place was packed. I mean, really packed. We had to park on the street because the parking lot was full. I waited in line to tell the bartender we were there, and the line took forever. And you could see that there was a huge tour (probably 40 people) in progress already, so I was a little concerned that we’d get the same deal. Eventually, I got to the bar, told the lady why we were there, and she seemed really excited about it and went to the back. She came out a few seconds later, told us to wait at the side of the bar, and that Matt would be coming out to give us our tour. Matt came out, and we (just the four of us and Matt) started the tour.

Let me start out the tour portion of this entry by telling you that this wasn’t a typical tour at all. This was a genuine VIP tour. Many of the things we did are not allowed on most tours, for safety reasons. The tour started out like most tours with the history of the company. In New Belgium’s case, it wasn’t too different than other companies’ beginnings (the founder liked the beer he had when he was on vacation in Belgium and decided to make his own beer because he couldn’t get that style of beer here in the States). Matt explained the history more in depth because the tour ahead of us was still in the main room, but it was pretty interesting still. We eventually went into that room, and Matt showed us their first equipment. Standard tour information, really, yet it was still kinda cool. We walked to the main room of the tour, and Matt showed us the tanks where they brew a batch occasionally, but they weren’t at that time. As the other tour went ahead, Matt pulled us over to a bar on the side and said that since we were homebrewers and knew our stuff, he was going to give us some samples earlier than they normally do of stuff you can’t get get or outside of the brewery, as well as their flagship beer, Fat Tire. The first beer was their Saison, and while I’m not a fan of the style, I did like theirs. Next was the Fat Tire, which I’ve had plenty of times before and think is pretty good. The last was a sample of their Abbey Grand Cru, and it was awesome. One of the best beers I ever had. I wish they sold it, but unfortunately, they don’t. Awesome stuff. We went on the tour a bit further, seeing and talking about typical tour things. Then Matt told us to put on our safety goggles. We did, and then he led us up a staircase to the roof. On the roof, he told us to start climbing, as we had to go up about four more flights of stairs to the very top of the brewery. Up there, you could see a beautiful view of Fort Collins and the Rocky Mountains. You could also see the Anheuser Busch brewery up the road, but who gives a shit? Up there we saw all of their brewing vessels, which contained about 12 million bottles of beer in them. We also got to see their water treatment plant from the roof, which they built themselves for themselves to not take a burden on the city’s treatment plant. The whole thing was really impressive, and not something you get on the standard tour.

We came down and back in, and next went through the bottling area, something that is a no-no on most other tours due to safety reasons. It was pretty interesting, for me. We walked around some more, and we went to their ten 500-gallon oak barrels where New Belgium makes their La Folie, a rare and expensive beer that is famous among the beer dork community. Matt told us not to tell anyone that we did it (so don’t tell anyone), but he let us drink some of the La Folie from the spicket of one of the barrels, and it was pretty yummy. He showed us around a lot of the normally “off-limits areas” to tours places, and even let Cruiser and I go down the employee slide. At the end of the tour, Matt said, “Well, Scott wanted me to treat you well, so we’re giving you guys six samples of our beer instead of the normal four that other tours get.” We thanked him, and then he said, “Also, we’re giving you guys each one free six-pack of your choice.” We were all pretty shocked about that, and thanked him again. Then he said, “And finally, we’re giving you guys 40% off of whatever you want, beer included.” We were really shocked. I was dumbfounded. Not only did they just give us by far the best brewery tour that I ever had been on with the coolest tour guide (although not as hot as the Boulder chick), but they were giving us free beer and a huge discount. Needless to say, I was in love with the place. I really want to move to Fort Collins and work for New Belgium. It was awesome.

After we left the brewery (where we probably spent about $250 combined as a group), we went to a liquor store on the way out of town. I only spent about $10, but the others got several boxes worth of beer. Then we were on our way to Cheyenne, where we went to the Snake River Pub and Grill, where the Shadows Brewing Company is located. The place was really cool, although they only had one beer of theirs on tap. Apparently they had a big festival a few days prior, and that was all they had. The one they did have was really good, as was the food, and soon we were on our way to North Platte, Nebraska where we were calling it a night. We did go to the hotel bar for a couple of beers (including a Fat Tire), and we called it a night. And so goes a long entry for Day Four.

I will be out of town for work the next three days, but I will try to post something (including Day Five) sometime soon for you. Later.

Beer Trip II: Day Three Recap

2006-08-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I didn’t have a good morning on Day Three. As my friend Fittsie used to say, I was over-served. Anyway, after a sluggish start, we were ready to start the beer drinking at 11:30 at Oskar Blues Grill and Brew in Lyons, Colorado. Oskar’s is famous among the beer dork community for being a solid microbrewer and selling their beer in cans, instead of bottles like most microbreweries. I kinda think it’s pretty cool. The place was nice, as Lyons is a really cool little down at the base of the mountain. We sat on the deck and had a nice view. After a little “hair of the dog” with some tasty beers and some really good food, we all were feeling a lot better and were on our way.

Our next stop after lunch was in my new favorite city in the world, Fort Collins, Colorado. What a great town! Also located at the base of the mountains, Fort Collins has several really great breweries there. They also have an Anheuser Busch brewery on top of the good places, but who gives a shit! Our first brewery stop in Fort Collins was Odell Brewing Company. It was located on a side street and was a nice looking place. The people there were cool, and I actually got carded THREE times there, which I thought was funny. The tour was the same as every other tour basically, but since I’m a member of the American Homebrewer’s Association, I got to have the $3 sample tray for free! Yeah, that $97 membership is already paying for itself! The beers were good, but I can get them here so it wasn’t anything too exciting. Good tour if you’re in Ft. Collins, but nothing too cool.

After Odell’s, we went to the cleverly named Fort Collins Brewery just down the road. Well, it would have been just down the road but I’m a moron and gave Caddy the wrong directions. We got there eventually, and the place was kinda hard to find anyway unless you knew where it was. It was basically a warehouse with a taproom. Although the taproom was really nice, and the people and beer there were really good. The beers were better than we expected, and the waitress and bartender could not have been cooler. They even sold the Cruiser and me jugs of their Brewlesque Brown, which was only available in jugs to members of their “Jug Club.” I have to really thank the Cruiser for his pouting, because that’s what sealed the deal on that one. We hung out there for a sampler tray and a pint, and then we headed to the hotel to check in. We stayed at the world-famous Fort Collins Motel 8, and that lived up to all the hype.

For dinner, we took a cab to our final brewpub of the day, CooperSmith’s Pub and Brewing, for dinner. It was pretty well-hyped by several people that day, and when we got there we were excited. It was a cool looking place. We went to check in with the hostess, and we were told it’d be a 35 minute wait, so we just sat at the bar. Well, the food was good, but the beers were just so-so. Not nearly as good as we were lead to believe they’d be. We had our dinner and left, and then we walked to another Old Chicago for a beer before Caddy’s friend Mel picked us up and took us back to the sweet Motel 8. And that was pretty much Day Three. Three breweries visited, and basically just a day to recover from the day before. So really, it was a pretty good day.

Beer Trip II: Day Two Recap

2006-08-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those of you who came back for my Beer Trip II Day Two recap. Here it is:

Thursday’s activities started earlier than any other day, as we arrived at the Great Divide Brewing Company in downtown Denver (a couple blocks from Coors Field) around 9:50 AM. It was located in a building that you wouldn’t know was a brewery if you just walked by it. Inside the brewery, there was a ton of construction going on. Great Divide doesn’t have regularly scheduled tours, so you just kinda walk in and see if someone can give you a tour. We got in, talked to one of the brewers for a bit, had a couple of samples, and then the head of bottling showed us around. For those of you who don’t know, Great Divide makes some of my favorite beers, and after the tour we got, I like this place even more. The tour guide couldn’t have been any cooler, as he showed us all around the place and just shot the shit with us for about a solid hour. He and the brewer who was on duty just talked about whatever with us and were solid guys. They said they were jealous of us for going on Beer Trip II, and we were all jealous of them for working at a kick-ass brewery. They gave us free stickers, coasters, bottle openers, and on top of all that, they gave us a free case of their beer! So needless to say, I really love these guys now.

After the tour, we were going to have lunch at the Wynkoop Brewing Company, where I was excited to go because my friend and Lulu’s former roommate Dahlbeeyotch was meeting us there. Whereas the beers weren’t my favorite and the food was pretty good but nothing amazing, this was one of my favorite parts of the entire trip. Basically it was everyone making fun of each other and themselves all lunch, and we were cracking up the whole time. We had to be the loudest table in the place and I’m sure the rest of the restaurant weren’t loving us because of that (and we were there for about an hour and a half). Dahlbeeyotch said that she was going to make us all buttons for Beer Trip III, and I thought Caddy was going to piss himself (he actually may have; I didn’t check). We had a great time, but unfortunately, Dahlbeeyotch had to go to work and fortunately, we had three more breweries to hit.

Next up for us was a trip up the road to Boulder where we hit the Boulder Brewing Company. Boulder makes two of my favorite beers, Mojo and Hazed & Infused, so this was another place I was really looking forward to. We had another really great tour guide, and we had a lot of free beers. Too bad for the Cruiser, because he was the DD that day and only had sips. Our tour consisted of the four of us and a guy from Germany who was in town with his wife who had a work conference (who was a really cool guy), so our tour was pretty much whatever we wanted her to talk about. She even poured us some beer right from the tanks, which was pretty good also. Basically by the time we left Boulder, all of us were feeling really good. Especially me.

For dinner, we drove over to Longmont for the Pumphouse Brewery and Restaurant, where we met Caddy’s friend Melissa. From the best of my recollection, dinner was really good, as were the beers. I’m not sure what else to tell you about that because I don’t have memories of anything specific that was interesting (I was kinda drunk). From there, we hit yet another place, the Left Hand Brewery. I remember thinking the place was nice, the service wasn’t too friendly, that I ordered a sample tray, and called my wife. And that’s about it.

When we left Left Hand, we went back to the hotel. Right next door in the same parking lot as our sweet Radisson Hotel was an Old Chicago, and for some reason we decided to go in and have some more beers. I ordered some Sicilian Pepperoni Rolls and a Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. I think I had two of the Pepperoni Rolls, half of my beer (if that), and decided that it’d be best for me to go back to the hotel and pass out. Which is exactly what I did. Apparently I missed a lot of interesting things after I left, rumors of which I cannot prove actually happened, so I will just end Day Two’s recap with this: holy shit, was I really fucking hung-over the next morning!

Beer Trip II: Day One Recap

2006-08-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well, let me say that Beer Trip II was a huge success, at least in my mind. I had a freaking blast, and I’m already counting down to Beer Trip III. Well, I can’t really count down yet since I don’t know when it will be and where we’re going. But I still am looking forward to it. So, since it will take me a while, here is Part One of my Beer Trip II Recap, to the best of my recollection:

The plan was to leave the house at 7:30 AM on Wednesday, and we were actually ahead of schedule. We (Caddylac, Timmy, the Cruiser, and I) pulled out of my driveway at 7:19 AM, so Beer Trip II was off to a great start. The first stop was in Hays, Kansas, so I’ll not bore you with tales of the road from my house to there, because besides the four of us bullshitting each other (which was entertaining to me), it’s a pretty boring fucking drive and nothing happened. The highlight was probably Caddy and the Cruiser cracking open a beer once we got on the highway at about 7:30 AM. Eventually, around 11:10 AM, we arrived at Gella’s Diner and Liquid Bread Brewing Company and right away we were impressed. The brewpub is located in a renovated Western Union building, and it was beautiful and spacious on the inside. I think Caddylac was the one who said it best: “You could drop this place anywhere (New York, L.A., wherever), and it would fit in and look great!” It was a great looking place. We sat down, ordered some sampler trays of beer, and ordered our lunch. A huge plus for this place was that they had garlic fries. I’m a big fan of the garlic fries, and these were very good. If you have access to adding a menu item to a restaurant, you need to add garlic fries to it. Anyway, lunch went along just fine (we even got to talk to the brewer for a couple of seconds who made us a sticker for the RV) and their beers were outstanding, and we asked for four growlers and our bill. This was at 12:18 PM. Granted, the place was pretty crowded and they seemed understaffed, but we didn’t end up leaving the place until 1:03 PM because it took so long to get our bill and change. Yes, I did keep track of the time like that, because we planned on leaving Hays at 1 PM, so we thought we were going to be way ahead of schedule for our ride into Denver when we asked for our bill. Instead, we were a little behind (since we also had to stop and get gas). Anyway, all it all, it was a great experience, and would recommend anyone driving along I-70 in Kansas to make a stop at Gella’s if you want some really good beer and great food.

We left Hayes and headed to Denver. Wow! Did that ride really suck as well! Western Kansas has a much deserved reputation for being a boring, boring drive, but I think Eastern Colorado needs to be given some credit too. Holy shit was that a boring drive! I must have quoted “Dumb and Dumber” at least ten times saying, “That John Denver’s full of shit!” I didn’t know that Denver was pretty much where the mountains started. I do now. We planned on getting to our posh La Quinta Inn in Downtown Denver at 5 PM, and that was about right. Maybe 5:15 PM or so, but we had plenty of time to take shits, change shirts and put on a new layer of deodorant, and then walk to Coors Field for the 7 PM start. We got to the stadium, and it made me remember why I loved downtown ballparks. It was less than a mile from the hotel to the stadium, and there was so much to do all around the stadium. And inside the stadium too, as we hit our second brewpub of Beer Trip II, the Sandlot Brewery. The place was kinda cool, but I was thinking it was going to be a sit down restaurant with servers, when instead you had to go to the bar to order beers. Now, the bartenders were great, but it just wasn’t what I thought it’d be. The beers were okay, I guess, nice for a ballpark, but nothing too exciting. As for the game, well, it sucked. There was a rain delay before the game, but the actual game is what sucked. The Brewers lost 8-2 and it was never really close. The park was cool, and I even had a Coors Beer at Coors Field, which I always think is a must. I’ll always have a Busch at Busch Stadium and a Miller at Miller Park too. See, I’m not a complete beer snob. Just mostly.

After the game, we went to our final brewpub of Day One, the Breckenridge Ball Park Brewpub. We were all feeling pretty good, but it was so close to the park that we had to go. The place was really cool, and it had a nice crowd for a Wednesday. Now let me state that I am not a fan of Breckenridge beers, but the beers here were pretty good. At least they were to my recollection. It was a long day, and I had had a few, so my memory isn’t 100%. I do know that our waitress was awesome, as she gave us each free tasting glasses and stickers (for the back of the RV). After a few samples and a beer, we walked back home to crash for the night. But not before the Cruiser decided that since the gate to the pool was locked that he’s climb down from the second floor (where our room was) to inside of the pool area and go for a little swim. It was pretty impressive way to end day one.

Coming soon…Day Two recap!

I'm Back!

2006-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

Although it is a little crazy right now catching up on stuff, I will just tell you right now that Beer Trip II was awesome, and I will be letting you know all about it (at least for the most part) this week. I strongly recommend anyone taking a trip like I just took. It was a fucking blast. Sorry for the short post, but I'll let you know what went down soon.

Love ya!

FTB

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

2006-08-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, time is moving very slow. This will be my last posting for about a week or so, because tomorrow is the beginning of Beer Trip II, baby!!! And I’m pretty damned excited, as you could probably gather since I’ve probably mentioned it about 1000 times already. Anyway, I won’t be posting from the road because it just ain’t gonna happen. And since I didn’t write anything yesterday, let me fill you in on my past weekend.

The weekend was going well until around 3 PM on Saturday. That is when we had a brown-out at our house, which was the beginning of a lot of shit. At first I just thought the dryer was broken, because it was working but there was no heat. Basically a dryer that doesn’t dry anything. I was pissed. But then I sort of noticed some dimming lights, and the air conditioner stopped working, so we knew something else was wrong. I had to go to work that night, so my wife called the electric company and an A/C repairman to fix the problems. At halftime of the game, I talked to my wife who told me the A/C was still out and that she, our son, and the diggity dogs would be spending the night at the in-laws. I got home around 10 PM and noticed that the lights and dryer were working fine again, but the A/C was still not working. So I packed up a bag and spent the night at the in-laws’ house. Sunday morning, I woke up and went home to see if it was fixed. It wasn’t, so I called the electric company to make sure that everything was fine. They sent a guy over to look at our electricity, and he said that we definitely had a problem. He went to work on it, and by this time the house was close to 85 inside. I did yard work in the meantime, and after another guy from the electric company came over, they fixed the problem in about an hour. When they were done, I checked the A/C and it still wasn’t working. I then called the A/C guy back, and he came over about an hour later. He was working on it for awhile, when it all of a sudden he turned to me, apologized, and told me he was really embarrassed as the part he used to “fix” the A/C on Saturday was the wrong part. He eventually fixed it by using the right piece, and about 3:30 PM on Sunday, the A/C was working. Unfortunately, the temperature inside was close to 90 and my parents and nephews were coming in town to stay with us around 5 PM. Plus, it was over 100 outside, so it wasn’t cooling the house down very fast. So that was fun (sarcasm).

But there was one big highlight, and that was going to the Rancid concert. I had pretty high expectations for it, and holy fuck did it more than live up to it. Not to sound like either a teenager or a 50-year-old Aerosmith fan, but they really fucking rocked. They had a lot of energy, and my friend Erin and I had a blast. Even it if was about 120 degrees in the building and we were both soaked with sweat. We even went down to the mosh pit for the encore, and that was a trip. It was a fun, fun time. It did help that I knew almost every song that they played. They didn’t play “Salvation” which sucked a little, but it was still one of the best shows I’d ever seen. One thing that was funny to me was that the majority of the crowd were younger kids (15-22 probably) who dressed all punk with colored Mohawks like Rancid used to, but the band didn’t dress like that at all. They were really more dressed like and looked like me, with none of them having Mohawks. I felt a little better about not being out of place because of that. Especially because they still were playing loud and fast like always. Good times, indeed.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. I hope you have a great week or so until my next posting, and I’ll tell you all about Beer Trip II. Or at least the parts that I think will be acceptable. Love ya!

Are You Ready To Rock, Kansas?!?!?!?!?

2006-07-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend is coming, and it should be a busy one. First off, one of my wife’s friends is coming into town to hang out tonight, which will be kinda fun, I think. Tomorrow, we take the kid to Gymboree and I work a soccer game at night. And on Sunday, after a day of doing yard work and other household chores, I’ll be going to see Rancid play with a couple of friends from work. That will be interesting, since they are a punk band and I do not look at all like a punk music guy. Being 31, I’ll probably be the oldest person in the house when they’re playing, and I’m sure I’ll stick out, kinda like Ace Ventura when he went to the Cannibal Corpse concert. I won’t dance like him though, I promise. I am really looking forward to it though, as they are one of my favorite bands, definitely in my top three. And probably my favorite band that is still together, so I’m pretty pumped about it. And who knows, maybe I’ll get in a fight with some teenage punk and it’ll be the best concert ever. Especially if they play, “Salvation.”

You have a great weekend, and I’ll tell you all about mine on Monday.

I'm A Big Fat Liar Who Should Be Shot!

2006-07-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today was a busy day, so I don't have time to add anything good today. I hope you all have a great day, and I care about you a lot.

Kobe Bryant Is A Good Guy Again?

2006-07-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry again I haven’t written in a while. Last week was crazy at work, and this week it has been a little busy, but not busy enough to not write. So here’s what has been on my mind lately:

The main thing on my mind is that Beer Trip II is only now seven days away. And really, that’s what I think about most of the time while I’m at work. I have issues, I know.

On ESPN last week they had a “Make-The-Wish” series of stories on “SportsCenter.” They were all a bunch of over-the-top, tug-at-your-heartstring stories (along the lines of “Extreme Home Makeover”), where a kid gets to spend a day with some athlete like Tracey McGrady at Tracy McGrady’s house and play in Tracy McGrady’s personal indoor basketball court with a painting of Tracy McGrady on the court or play PlayStation basketball as Tracy McGrady against Tracy McGrady. Anyway, they had stories about kids with cancer who got to spend time with these athletes, and at one point, the narrator said about the kid with leukemia who was getting pitching tips from Roger Clemens, “This was more than he could ever wish for!” Really? Playing catch with Clemens is more than a kid with leukemia could wish for? Hmm…I would have thought wishing to have his leukemia cured would be more of a big deal, but I didn’t realize that having leukemia was okay if you got to play catch with a seven-time Cy Young Award winner because of it. I had no idea hanging out with Roger Clemens would make it actually worth having leukemia. Lucky kid. Oh, and there was another story where a kid got to hang out with Kobe Bryant, but I didn’t see it. So I can’t tell you if Kobe showed the kid how to have “rough sex” with an emotionally unstable teenager. Sorry about that.

Yeah, I saw where Lance Bass said he was gay, and really, I have nothing to add to that. Mainly because I’m just so surprised. I would never have seen that coming. Ever.

Well, I’ll try again to be better about this site. I know, I suck. I’ll work on it though. As best as I can.

Maybe Jolie Is Related To Hans Gruber?

2006-07-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

It’s not often that I wake up and remember my dream, but today I did. Or at least a part of it I remember. It was a really strange one too. Basically, I was kidnapped by Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie (who had bad acne and weird scars, by the way), and their cronies, and they forced me to go to an amusement park and into the back of a roller coaster. Although, this wasn’t an ordinary roller coaster, or at least not one I had ever seen or heard of before; it was more like a small train compartment without any seats or even a bench in it. It was probably an eight feet by eight feet by eight feet enclosed compartment, and they put me in there with three other people (one guy and two women), all of whom looked familiar yet whose names I never knew. They’re probably people that I’ve seen several times before, like former co-workers or someone who used to play volleyball against me, but basically they were people who I never knew by name. Anyway, they threw us all into this roller coaster compartment, and we all were blind-folded and forced to try to stand on this roller coaster as it spun around and went upside-down and whatever other crazy shit roller coasters do (I couldn’t tell you exactly what this one did because I was blind-folded, remember!!!). So the first time we went around, everything was fine. We all were able to brace ourselves, and it wasn’t that bad. They came in to check on us, and Jolie yelled, “Again!” in some German accent like she was part of the “Die Hard” terrorist crew. So we did it again, and we were fine. Again, the Brangelina gang came to check on us, and apparently we pissed them off by still standing up and being fine. So then they made us do it another time, except this time Jolie told us that we had to do the entire roller coaster three times in a row. Well, this time, some shit happened. Literally. About 20 seconds into it, the other guy lost it and puked. Unfortunately, it was all over me. This started a puking chain reaction like in “Stand by Me.” Surprisingly, I was the last of the group to throw up, which I was sort of proud of because I get motion sickness, and if this were real life, I would have thrown up probably within 30 seconds of the first blind-folded run around the track. Although then things got much worse. One of the women shit her pants because of this (although I’m pretty sure crapping yourself isn’t a result of motion sickness), and for some reason, we all started shitting ourselves. It was pretty fucking gross. Finally, after a while (which was apparently three consecutive runs), they stopped and they checked us out again. All four of us were covered in puke, shit, and bruises, which happened because the vomiting and shitting prevented us from bracing ourselves and we were thrown all over the car smashing into each other and the sides of the car. They brought us out of the roller coaster and removed our blind-folds, and then they all were beaming with pride at what they had done to us. They told us that we were free to go, but we had to walk through the entire amusement park in front of everyone, all of who were laughing at us. Then I woke up.

I am not sure what all this means (although if you’re going to go the Dane Cook route and say that it means I’m gay, I’ve already thought of it). Basically, I just thought it was a fucked up dream, and thought it was cool that this was the dream I actually remembered when I woke up, even if I did puke and shit myself. It is a lot more interesting than some dream where I have no pants or am falling off a cliff, don’t you think? Or maybe I should just quit huffing spray paint before I go to bed.

I hope you have a great weekend. I’ll check in with you next week. Love ya!

Sorry, But...

2006-07-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am not going to post anything today as I planned, because I am really, really pissed off right now and not in any mood to write what I was going to write. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. I hope you still can find a way to love me. Thanks.

Pray For Me!

2006-07-10T13:05:00.001-07:00

I like it when people say that they'll pray for me. It saves me the time.

It Would Have Been Worth Him Doing It If I Would Have Caught Him Doing It

2006-07-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I went to a friend’s parents’ lake house (after I worked a game on Saturday night), and we had a really good time. Especially my kid, who loved swimming and playing in a fountain, and throwing a ball into a lake for our friends’ dog. The only thing that wasn’t ideal was listening to the kids listen and watch “The Wiggles” over and over and over again. If I never have to hear “Dorothy the Dinosaur” again, I will be a better person. It was a really fun time swimming with the kids and hanging with friends.

Oh yeah, and someone keyed my car on Saturday night, either at the stadium or the casino (it was dark, so I couldn’t see it at night), so that wasn’t really a good start to my weekend. Actually, it really sucks, as it’s about a four-foot scratch along the side of my car. That was really cool of whoever did that, and I am happy about it. Thanks random asshole!

Well, today has been catching up after being out the last few days, so this is all I have today. Have a great rest of your day.

Have A Happy 4th Of July!!!!

2006-06-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well, not much exciting has happened lately, so I’ll just tell you about my weekend briefly. Tonight, I’ll be hitting a happy hour for a former co-worker who is leaving my old group. That should be fun, as I haven’t seen her in a few months. Tomorrow, we’ll take the kid to Gymboree, I’ll mow the lawn, and then I’ll work the exciting soccer match at the stadium. On Sunday, we’re going to our friends’ parents’ lake house, which I’m excited about. It should be a fun weekend, as I’m taking off work on Monday and then the holiday is Tuesday, so I don’t have to be back to work until Wednesday. Basically, that’s all I’m doing, and that’s all I’ve got for you. Have a great weekend, and I’ll talk to you on Wednesday.

Here's The Plan!

2006-06-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

My good pal Eat Misery asked the other day about Beer Trip II, and I’m always happy to write about Beer Trip II. Basically, five friends and I are going to be going to 16-18 breweries/brewpubs in five days. Here is the tentative list of places we are going to:

Gella’s Diner and Liquid Bread Brewing Company in Hays, KS.
Sandlot Brewery in Denver.
Great Divide Brewing Company in Denver.
Rock Bottom Brewery in Denver.
Boulder Brewing Company in Boulder, CO.
Pumphouse Brewery in Longmont, CO.
Left Hand Brewing Company in Longmont, CO.
Oskar Blues Grill and Brewery in Lyons, CO.
Odell’s Brewery in Fort Collins, CO.
Fort Collins Brewery in Fort Collins.
Coopersmith’s Pub and Brewing in Fort Collins.
New Belgium Brewing Company in Fort Collins.
Snake River Brewing Company in Cheyenne, WY.
Thunderhead Brewery in Kearney, NE.
Empyrean Brewing Company in Lincoln, NE.
Upstream Brewing Company in Omaha, NE.

We also might hit Avery Brewing Company in Boulder and Big Horn Brewery in Fort Collins if we have time (and the ability) to do that. Plus, the Sandlot Brewery is attached to Coors Field, and we’ll see the Brewers play the Rockies the first night of the trip too! And all this is only 34 days away!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Later.

Screech Is Still My Friend!

2006-06-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

You know, I wrote about his show yesterday, but I’ve decided that I don’t really care for Dane Cook that much. I used to think he was funny (his parody of Tom Cruise on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” was pretty damn funny), but now, not so much. I bought his first CD after I saw his “Kimmel” appearance, and I thought it was good. I almost bought his second CD, but Doncock did instead and let me borrow it, and I didn’t like it nearly as much. Probably because he repeated some jokes from his first CD, which I think would have been a good idea to edit out. Now he has his horribly bad show on HBO, and that show is just annoying (even though I’ll continue to watch it). He just seems like such a whining douchebag on the show, although not to the extent of Jay. I actually think he has Jay on the show so that he seems like less of a stroke. Too bad it’s not working for him. Anyway, I’m officially not a fan of Dane Cook anymore. He’s no longer my “friend” on MySpace (yes, I am in middle school), so I’m sure he’s crushed. If anyone wants my Dane Cook “Harmful if Swallowed” CD, let me know. You can have it. I’m cutting off all ties with him.

Actually, I’m probably just pissed because I can’t do his SuFi middle finger thing (instead of giving someone the middle finger, you raise your middle and ring finger). I physically cannot do it unless I have my thumb hold back my pinky, and apparently that is the wrong way to do it. My pinky and ring finger are very codependent and cannot be apart without the thumb restraining one of them. It’s kind of a dysfunctional relationship. Anyway, really, the SuFi is kinda lame, so I don’t care too much that I can’t do that. Although maybe that’s what got Jessica Simpson to fall for him. Hmmm…maybe I’ll have to work on that.

Okay, I’m done. Make sure you visit our friend Screech’s website and help save his house. We have the ability to help out one of the great Americans out, so don’t miss your chance. Imagine all the karma you’ll get from helping him out!

Go To Hell, Associated Press! Go Straight To Hell!!!

2006-06-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

Rush Limbaugh got caught at the airport with some illegally obtained Viagra. That is very disappointing. I am not very happy right now. How could the AP report this story? I would think the government could maybe do something to the AP, because this definitely goes against what is best for the nation. Who really wants to think about Rush Limbaugh getting a hard-on? Ugh.

R.I.P. to Aaron Spelling, the man who brought us such classic shows as “Summerland,” “The Love Boat: The Next Wave,” “Pacific Palisades,” “Sunset Beach,” and “Malibu Shores.” If there was ever to be a night-time soap opera set in a warm climate, you could always count and Mr. Spelling to be there. Some formulas never fail.

“Dane Cook’s Tourgasm” might be the worst show on TV. It is horrible. Yet, I am still Tivo’ing it and will continue to watch it every week. Maybe because it is so bad. And no, not like “Maury” bad as you might think (“Maury” isn’t bad, anyway!). This is just bad-bad. Unfunny comedians telling unfunny jokes, and doing unfunny (read: boring) things when they aren’t on stage. I don’t want to compare me watching it to that of a car crash, because car crashes can be interesting. This isn’t. I think maybe I just like torturing myself, but then again I don’t watch “The Hills” with my wife. The worst thing is that I don’t really have a point to this whole paragraph except to make it clear that I don’t like this show, and yet I will still watch it for some unknown reason.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you right now. Be patient as I really need to get back into the swing of writing every day. I will get better. I hope, at least. Kisses!

One Out Of Three Ain't Good

2006-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

Man, did the Brewers lay a couple of turds on Saturday and Sunday! That blew. At least they won the first game, which was nice, and I got a Frank White bobblehead on Saturday and a Kansas City Monarch hat on Sunday so it wasn’t a complete wash. That was pretty much my weekend…going to Brewers games. It was pretty fun, and I’m glad my wife was cool with me going to all three games since the Brewers only come in town about every 6 years. Anyway, here are my thoughts on my weekend at Kaufmann Stadium:

• Constant heckling is really stupid and very annoying. An occasional comment at a player is okay, as long as it is warranted and funny, but nine innings of unoriginal/unfunny comments about a player who is a great shape being fat is really annoying. We got to deal with that yesterday at the game, when some out-of-shape loser was calling Brewers All-Star left fielder Carlos Lee fat. And his comments were along the lines of, “Hey Carlos, you want a Twinkie?” and “I’ve got some nachos for you, Lee!” Funny shit, huh? I will wait a second for you to catch your breath, because that is golden…………Ready? Not yet. Okay, I’ll give you more time……….Now? Okay, good. Anyway, heckling is annoying, and if you heckle, just know that you aren’t funny and are bothering everyone around you. And if you’re there with friends and/or family, you are only embarrassing them. And basically you just look like a tremendous tool.
• If you’ve ever seen “Major League,” you know the line “Too high!” when the one guy hits a homer against the Indians. It was a pretty funny line in the movie. But the movie came out in 1989. I don’t think that I have been to a baseball game since 1989 when I didn’t hear someone say it at least once. Even yesterday’s game, when there were no home runs, I heard it three times. If you say that, just know that it’s no longer funny. It was probably funny up until 1992, maybe 1994 if you want to give it a five-year grace period, but that was still a dozen years ago. Let it go. Think of another movie line to steal from, or better yet, think of something creative on you own. But “Too high!” is just not funny anymore, especially on lazy fly balls to the right fielder, and really, really especially when you said it two innings earlier.
• Using a movie line out of context is also annoying. On Friday night, there were a ton of Brewers fans at the game. I would guess that the crowd was 60 percent Royals fans to 40 percent Brewers fans. Late in the game, with the Brewers winning 7-2, some knob sitting behind us yelled, “Brewers suck!” While that was pretty damn clever, I yelled, “Hey!” He said, “Um, you look like a banker!” (a comment paraphrasing a line from “Major League”). It didn’t make any sense (I was wearing a Brewers jersey), and it wasn’t funny, so I just said, “Um, yeah.” He later said a line from another baseball movie (I can’t remember right now, as memorable and funny as it was), but it also made no sense. I was half-expecting to hear him say, “There’s no crying in baseball!” and “Build it, and he will come.” Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear him say, “Let them play!” too. I don’t mind a funny line from a movie, but please use in the right context. Thank you.

Enough bitching from me. I’ve got shit to do, so I’ll try to blabber at you tomorrow. Later.

To Quote My Son: "Go Brewers!!!!!!!"

2006-06-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

I’m pretty excited today. My favorite team in any sport, the Milwaukee Brewers, is coming into town. I am going to the games tonight and tomorrow, and maybe even on Sunday (which I just found out is the only game that isn’t on local TV). So we’ll see. But man, I am really excited.

Yes, I was serious when I said that I loved “Maury” yesterday.

And Beer Trip II is only 40 days away! Woo hoo!

So “Last Comic Standing” is back on the air. And so far, I’ve been really disappointed. First of all, they let some of the least funny “comedians” I’ve ever seen on the show. The elimination portion of the show is where the comedians go to a booth and say, “I know that I am funnier than…” and say which other contest they are funnier than. Well, of the twelve people who are on the show, I know that I’m funnier than at least four of them. Hell, Tiger Woods, Jake Boot, and cancer jokes are funnier than most of them. Luckily this last week, they kicked off the absolute least funny person I’ve ever seen do stand-up in my life. That’s not an overstatement either. She was this pregnant chick named Stella, and her act was the most unoriginal, unfunny thing I’d ever seen. Example: She told the “joke” about how her husband doesn’t remember getting her pregnant, and she said she told him that he was drunk. Then she said, “But really, he was out of town!” Hardy-har-har. Didn’t Joan Rivers tell that joke on the old “Tonight Show?” The one hosted by Jack Paar? And it wasn’t like she just told that joke once. She used it at least one other time on the show, and possibly four times total. You’d think the lack of laughter the first time would have proved to her that it sucked, but oh no! Actually, she laughed at the joke, so she probably couldn’t tell that no one else did. The other thing that was disappointing was that the hot chick got kicked off. That never helps. I’m not sure who I like most right now, but the guy who looks like Screech and has cerebral palsy is probably the favorite. And at least he is a little funny. I hope he writes new jokes, as the ones I’ve heard so far have been a little funny, but I’ve heard them all at least a couple of times now. But at least he didn’t steal them from that chick Geri from “The Facts of Life.” I don’t think, at least.

Can I say that the line “Hug it out!” (or “Hug it out, bitch!”) is not funny, except the first time it was said on “Entourage?” Please don’t say it. Go back to saying, “Yeah, baby!” like Austin Powers or “Whazzzup!” from the Bud Light commercials, because that’s just as fresh.

Well, have a great weekend. I think I will.

Whew! Finally, Some Free Time!

2006-06-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, hopefully I will be able to post more often now. Really this time. You see, I was acting supervisor for my job for the last seven weeks, and it was time-consuming. Conference call after conference call, followed by a meeting and then another conference call. That was pretty much my daily schedule. And I hate conference calls. A lot. Yesterday I was on a conference call where there was a dog barking in the background and a lady was yelling at her kid. Seriously. It was an hour-long call too. But now, hopefully that stuff has slowed down, and if so, I can post more. So I’ll be trying.

I have a new favorite show. I really love “Maury.” I think it is the greatest show on TV. Well, I should be clear. I only watch “Maury” when the show topic is “Paternity Tests Revealed.” Otherwise, I’m not interested. And, oh yes, I Tivo “Maury.” “Paternity Tests Revealed” is the greatest thing ever. I love it when some chick goes on stage, tells Maury that this loser guy is “definitely the father,” the loser guy comes out and calls the chick a ‘ho, Maury reveals that he isn’t the father, and then the guy goes nuts like he won the lottery, yelling “I told you! I told you!” while the chick goes running backstage and cries. That in itself is pretty good, but Maury following her backstage and telling her, “If you want, we’ll help you figure out who the father is,” is the proverbial icing on the cake. Also, they have these filmed pieces before the dude comes out where he explains how there’s no way he’s the father that are classic. The other day, once guy said that he was 150% sure he wasn’t the father in his clip, another guy was 105%, and the last guy was 230%, which is pretty remarkable in my opinion. But the 230% guy did have six fingers on his hand, so I guess he should have the highest percentage. So that is my guilty pleasure of the moment, although I really don’t feel that guilty about it. It is great stuff.

Yes, I have seen this story. And to be honest, I’m surprisingly not that excited about it. But that could change. I mean, an actual reality show with these two would be much better, because they are both unintentionally funny. Feldman with his delusions of being an A-List star (don’t forget, he did say something to the effect of that it should have been him winning the Oscar and not Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) and a musician are pretty entertaining. And Haim would be hilarious if he wasn’t so sad. He’s probably the reason why I’ve never done drugs before. Anyway, I might watch this show, but if they don’t make light of the fact that Haim tried to sell his molar on eBay, I will be pissed. That would be must-watch television.

Well, that’s what I got for now. Comments are appreciated, and I’ll try to answer any questions that you may have. Love ya!

He Likes To Hold Poles

2006-06-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

This picture is on my calendar at work, which was a gift from Oracle. It makes me laugh not so much because of the look on Han Solo's face, nor because it looks like he is ready to join in a fisting party. But the main thing is that his vest says, "Team Oracle: Pole Holder". Maybe it's because I have the mentality of a 14 year old, but I find that fact that his shirt says "Pole Holder" to be hilarious.

Umm....Yeah

2006-05-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while, but from the looks of comments, no one is reading anyway. I will try to do better, but I am still really busy. Sorry.

FTB

Really Must See TV

2006-05-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

I would advise you to somehow find out when the finale of "Surreal Life 6" is on again and at least watch the last 30 minutes of it. It is pretty damn funny, in my humble opinion. Tawny Kataen is out of her mind. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she was dead before 2007.

I have a CD at my house where there are lyrics about a "rusty trombone" and where someone says, "There's curly hair everywhere! It's wall-to-wall wool." I think most people would find that kinda vulgar or think it was off a rap CD. But this is on my kid's "Sesame Street" CD. Anyway, that just really makes me laugh whenever I hear those things. I thought I'd share that with you.

What Happens When People Stop Being Polite And Start Being Surreal?

2006-05-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry again for my lack of posting lately. It’s been pretty tough, because my responsibilities at work have increased a lot for the next few weeks (even though I don’t write these at work). So I have been on a lot of conference calls, attended a lot of meetings, and dealt with more issues than I have been used to. But enough of me bitching …on to random crap.

Last night was the season finale of “Surreal Life” (which I haven’t seen yet), and I noticed that I didn’t mention anything about this season yet. Well, I will now.

Steve from Smashmouth seems like an okay guy, and when he talked about his son who died was probably the closest I’ve been to crying while watching a TV show in my life. Seriously.

Mavin also seems like a pretty solid guy. He hasn’t really gotten a lot of face-time on the show, but he seems likeable enough. I wish they showed more of his pill popping and drinking, but oh well. There’s always room for a potential reunion cast.

There is something weird about George Jefferson. When I watched the season premiere of the show this season, I watched it with my wife and mom. My mom mentioned that he was rumored to be gay, which I had never heard before (she even looked it up and apparently it is a popular rumor). After that, I kinda noticed that he was always out of the picture as if he was trying to hide something, and it made me think about my mom’s comment. I’m not saying that I think George Jefferson is gay, but if he was, his behavior would make more sense to me. And his dealing with Mr. Willis would also make more sense.

The Playboy chick (I honestly can’t think of her name and I’m too lazy to look it up right now on the internet) reminded me a lot of some random semi-hot chick that you’d see at a college party. The one who’d talk about her tits and all the frat boys would gravitate to because of that, thinking she was cool because she talked about since and that they’d have a chance with her. I don’t think that she is anything more than a little cute, while she does have a great body. Plus she drinks a lot and gets naked quite often, so she seems really slutty, like Florence Henderson was telling her she seemed. So maybe those guys really did have a shot with her.

Alexis Arquette to me is one of those people who acts differently just to be different, knowing that he/she is doing being different, yet snaps if someone mentions something about him/her being different. It reminded me a lot of this Goth guy from my freshman year at college who did all these things to be different, yet flipped out on people the day he decided to wear a dress. I mean, anyone with any common sense (which this guy had) knew that wearing a dress to class was going to get a reaction out of people (like that wasn’t his purpose in doing that in the first place), so why flip out when someone casually asks, “Dude, what’s up with the dress?” If I was going out to a bar and wearing a mesh cut-off shirt and a bright pink banana hammock, I sure as hell better be ready for some reaction. I learned that the hard way.

I really like C.C. Deville. I think he’s a really good guy. I am happy for him when he does things sober, and I just find him to be very likeable. I know that he was a dick when he was in Poison and high or drunk all the time, but right now, he seems like a really good dude. He’s a guy I wanna go out and have a beer with. Oops!

Tawny Kataen is a fucking nutcase. I’m not sure if she has any redeeming values as a person, at all. Well, besides not knowing how to say “temper tantrum” properly, incorrectly calling Auschwitz “Ouch-Fitts”, or making a racist joke during her talk show pilot, all of which made me laugh out loud. Besides that, she is worthless. As far as I know, she is famous for being married to Chuck Finley and David Coverdale, and for being a complete whack-job. But I’m sure she’s not on any drugs. Nuh-uh. No way!

So basically, I still love “Surreal Life” and look forward to hopefully watching the finale tonight. The ideal ending would be a fight to the death between Tawny and Alexis, with Alexis emerging victorious. But it’ll probably end with people crying, a cake fight, and George Jefferson saying something to the effect of, “Thosepeopleisfreakingcrazy!” with subtitles. Gotta love it when someone’s English is subtitled in English!

Have a great day!

Sorry

2006-05-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a lot of time lately to update this, and I might not have much for a while. I'm not sure if anyone was still really reading this anyway. But hopefully I will have more time and can keep you up to date on all the exciting things going on in my life. There are just so many, you know. I love sarcasm.

Diaper Run

2006-04-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

During my lunch break, I went to get my kid some diapers. I finally decided that he would be ready for a new one tonight since his mom last changed him before she went out of town yesterday morning. Since we’ve moved to my new building for work, there haven’t been many positives, but today I thought I finally found one: I’m really close to the Costco, which we joined just the other week. This was my first solo trip to Costco ever, so needless to say, I was pretty excited. As I walked in, I was greeted by the greeter, who wanted to see my card. I showed it to him and was beaming as I told him, “I’m a Gold Star Member!” He just told me to go on in, and I was stunned. He didn’t seem that impressed. I mean, God fucking damnit!!! I’m a fucking Gold Star Member! I’m a high-roller! I’m a big fucking deal! You hear me? GOLD STAR MEMBER!!! Yet, he was unfazed. So now I’m questioning my relationship with Costco. If they aren’t going to be impressed with me being a Gold Star Member, I just don’t know if I can go back ever again.

Really Quick

2006-04-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have time to write anything today, but thanks to Doncock for this link. It had to be added. Have a great week!

S.T.A.P.S.I.A.J.

2006-04-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I am sorry for that. I have been busy. We moved to a new building at work, and a bunch of other things have taken my time on top of that. Plus, with me training people at work and my kid’s birthday, an out of town wedding this weekend to get ready for, and a host of other things, I’ve been swamped. Well, that’s not all entirely true. I also don’t have a whole lot of interesting things to write about. I mean, getting my dogs groomed, doing yard work, and working soccer matches aren’t exactly interesting reads. But let’s see what I can do.

I bought Patton Oswalt’s CD a few weeks ago (Feelin’ Kinda Patton), and I think it is fantastic. It’s done a few things for me. It made me go out and buy Robert Evans’ autobiography The Kid Stays in the Picture and read it (all 462 pages) in about a week and a half. That says a lot for someone who isn’t a big reader like I am not. And it was a pretty interesting book to say the least, and I think anyone who’s interested in the movie-making business would be interested in reading about someone who made famous movies (“The Godfather” and “Chinatown” to name a few) and name drops like no one else I’ve ever known, read, or heard before. The other thing the CD made me do was quote it a lot. And I mean, A LOT. While there are many good quotes, my favorite actually has to do with the Robert Evans portion of his act. He has a bit about when Evans was doing promos for ESPN. He pretended he was Evans when he talked, and it went something like this: “Back was I was producing “The Godfather”, I had a Jacuzzi installed in my trailer that I put apple juice put in everyday. Do you know how sweet Diane Keaton’s pussy tastes after it’s been soaked in apple juice? Well, it’s not as sweet as the action you’ll see this weekend on ESPN!” Well, to me, that’s pretty damn funny. So my favorite thing to say now is that something is “sweeter than a pussy soaked in apple juice!” The problem is that it is hard to find the proper place to say that line. So sometimes I have to take what I can, and on Easter we were playing “Catch Phrase” at my in-laws house after lunch. The game was going along, and when it came to me, the word was “Apple Juice”. Well naturally, I just started laughing. A lot. No one knew why. Eventually I said to Doncock, who is familiar with the CD, “This is what Robert Evans puts in his Jacuzzi.” Needless to say, he said, “Apple juice” right away and no one in the room had any idea how he got that so quickly. And I didn’t want to have to explain it to them (so hopefully they will read this and I won’t ever have to). And the second best thing was that we won the game. So that was pretty sweet. Like a pussy soaked in apple juice. Thank you! Good night! And have a great weekend!