How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween, Scantily-Dressed Women!

Happy Halloween everyone! My thoughts on Halloween have changed dramatically in the past few years. I used to think it was stupid for adults to dress up in costumes on what I perceived to be a kids’ holiday. Now, with the proliferation of slutty costumes for women, I’ve become a much bigger fan of the holiday. Whether it’s the naughty nurse, the sexy Strawberry Shortcake, or the slutty hippy chick (redundant, I know), I’m all about Halloween now. I’m still not going to wear a costume to work, but I now really enjoy the holiday as an adult. So cheers to you, slutty costume industry! The world is a much better place for having you!

At my work we have a few security measures to pass before we can get to our desk. First, we have to use our badges to get inside the building. Then we have to use the badge again to walk through the walkway to the stairs. And finally, we have to show the security guard our badges. The security guard at my building is a lady who’s probably in her late 40’s or 50’s, and is really nice. She always says, “Have a great day!” “Have a great lunch!” “Have a great afternoon!” or “Have a great night!” whenever you walk past her. Really, really nice lady. So today, when I walked in, she said, “Happy Halloween! I really love your costume!” Since I wasn’t wearing a costume (see previous paragraph), I knew she was trying to be funny and I liked that quite a bit, although she was a little more energetic than I was expecting this morning. She added, “So what are you today?” I told her that I was a dorky office worker today, and she let out a loud cackle. She said that was the best response she’s gotten all day, so I feel a lot better about myself now. I’m a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.

So have a great Halloween, and I’ll check back with you on All Saint’s Day!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Another Title For St. Louis!

I live in the metro area of the 16th most dangerous city in the United States (Kansas City, MO). This really alarmed me, because I always thought this area was kinda safe. Apparently, not so much. Luckily, it’s not as bad as the city on the other side of the state, St. Louis, which is the most dangerous city in the country according to the latest report. And the data was even compiled and considered before they won the World Series. Actually, the Cardinals’ victory may have sealed their victory in retaining the title next year, as the number two city was Detroit, whose Tigers they beat. I didn’t see a lot of riot coverage on Saturday, but I’m imagining St. Louis did some serious damage, and more compared to Detroit who has a team a more recent World Championship (the Pistons). Although knowing Detroit, they might have taken this as a challenge. They lost the World Series, so maybe their pride made them want to riot more (and be more destructive) than St. Louis. The people of Detroit are a prideful bunch, and I think they might be taking solace in the fact that they can still riot like no other town. So I take that back. I’m sure Detroit will come out on top in 2007. I believe in their people.

Oh, but back to the Kansas City being number 16. This was alarming to me, but then I saw that Lee’s Summit, MO, which is right by KCMO, was the 19th safest, so I think I’ll be okay. And I didn’t see any data on the Kansas side of the state line, so apparently we’re in the middle. Or we just don’t count. I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Random Survey Crap

Well, I don’t really have much to say today, but Timmy sent me this email and I thought I’d just post it on my site. Here it goes:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name): Dr. J. Goodman

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy): Jack Whatchamacallit

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: ( 1st initial of first name, 1st two or three letters of your middle name) D-Mic

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Penguin

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Michael Kansas City

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.): Kerdaoheas

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, favorite drink): The Green India Pale Ale

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first name of both your grandfathers): Joe Jack

9. FUTURISTIC NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne and the name of your favorite shoes): Bellagio Crocs

10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother/father's middle name and the next name you hear on the tv/radio/talk): Edwin Jason


Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

"In West Philadelphia, Born And Raised..." (Enjoy That Song In Your Head For The Rest Of The Day)

Hi people of Philadelphia (I guess I was linked to a popular Philly blog, so I’m kinda excited). I love your town. At least I did the one time I was there. Fun place. And Just Rose lives there, so I like that about it too. I hope to visit you again.

My pal Keith is going to be on the radio tomorrow, thanks to your votes, so be sure to listen. Here is their website, so listen in and give him feedback. And vote for him if they have another vote. I don’t really know how they determine things. But help him win any way you can. He deserves it. Thanks.

The first episode of season two of “Breaking Bonaduce” was good, but not great. But the scenes for the season do look promising. I hope he starts drinking again, and that he stays on steroids. Because otherwise he’s just pathetic. Instead of pathetic and a train-wreck.

“South Park” has to still be one of the best shows on TV. If you haven’t seen it this week, you really need to.

Um, that’s all I’ve got for today. Check back with you tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I Love Political Ads

You may have heard that there’s a battle in Missouri about stem-cell research which is related to the Senate race. And my opinion on this blog is based only on the celebrities on the campaign ads, not the actual issue. I just want to be clear. On one side, there’s an ad with Michael J. Fox endorsing Claire McCaskill because she supports stem-cell research. For me, it’s pretty powerful, because he’s definitely struggling with Parkinson’s Disease and stem-cell research is something that gives him hope. I think having hope is important. So I think he’s an effective person for McCaskill’s cause. On the other side of the ballot for Jim Talent’s campaign, they’re having two athletes who don’t currently have good feelings towards them on the left side of the state because they’ve been part of shitty Kansas City Royals teams, Mike Sweeney and Jeff Suppan. Sweeney has been practically stealing money from the team since he signed his four or five-year contract extension at $11 million a year, and Suppan was no good when he was a Royal but has had success since leaving the team. The Talent campaign also has the star of one of the most controversial movies in the last few years, “The Passion of the Christ’s” Jim Caviezel, who was in a movie that many, if not most, Jews found offensive. And then they have Patricia Heaton from “Everybody Loves Raymond,” a TV show I never saw but from every guy I know who has seen it, says was the biggest bitch wife on the history of television. So just in star power alone, I think McCaskill has a big edge. At least in terms of Royals fans, Jews, and men. Oh, and fans of “Teen Wolf.”

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It's Funny How There Wasn't Any Mention Of Her Father In The Article I Read

So porn star Mary Carey dropped out of the California governor’s race. You might remember her from when she ran back in 2003 in the run-off election. Unfortunately though, she won’t be going on any further with her race to Sacramento. The reason: because she’s gonna help care for her mom who jumped off a four-story building. The reason for her mom jumping off a four-story building: according to Carey, “She's schizophrenic and didn't take her medication and jumped off a building.” Sure, that’s the reason. Schizophrenia. I’m sure the fact that her daughter is a famous porn star had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all.

Monday, October 23, 2006

I Approve Jack Shit

Well, the World Series is all tied up at one game apiece, and I’m pretty happy about that. Not because I’m glad that St. Louis won a game on the road or that Detroit battled back to even the series. I’m just glad that there isn’t going to be a sweep. And not because I want to see a long series so that we all can enjoy some baseball for a few more days. I really just didn’t want it to be a sweep, either way. You see, my wife is traveling to Detroit for work this week, and she’ll be there on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. If the series was a sweep, Wednesday night would be the final game, and I really didn’t want her to be in Detroit when the Tigers either won or lost the World Series. Any reason for the city of Detroit to riot, they will. And they do it like no other (that includes you, L.A., although that’s not a challenge). I just know that this week will be a lot better knowing that my wife won’t be in downtown Detroit when the World Series is decided, so I’ll be able to sleep a whole lot better. Whew!

There’s a political ad running in the area which some dude attacks his opponent. Not really news, I know, but this one is kinda special. The dude’s ad claims that his opponent has bad values because she used to work for “Penthouse Magazine.” To me, that’s a bonus. I’m not sure what side of the state line she’s on, but if I can vote for her, I will be. I’m not really even concerned what her stances are on other issues. I whole-heartedly believe that this woman needs to hold some high-ranking political office. Usually I would just vote for her because the dude attacked her in his ad, but more than anything, the ad provided me information that will definitely make me vote for his opponent. I’m really starting to love political ads. Especially now that it appears that they aren’t saying that they “approve this message” at the end of them. Now I’m really looking forward to my birthday, but only because it’s Election Day! Yea politics!!!!

Friday, October 20, 2006

There Are So Many Great Things About Beer!

I don’t have much time today, so this one will be short. But I just wanted to tell you that since I’ve been working out, I’ve been drinking a lot less. I’ve really only had beer twice to drink in the past three weeks (three times if you want to include when I had about four small samples on the brewery tour). And while I feel that my body is looking better and I feel somewhat better, there really is a glaring negative about my drinking less (besides me missing the delicious flavor of beer). I no longer have an excuse if I do something stupid. You know, like Mark Foley and Mel Gibson had. Not that I plan on going on some pedophiliac rampage or think I’ll start blaming Jews for the gray hairs in my eyebrows (which I really hate, by the way). The only dumb things I really do are just say the wrong words at the wrong time, but I can’t even blame that on beer now. I guess I’ll just have to go back on my old stand-by excuse: my stupidity.

Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Derr!

Yeah, so I’ve mentioned that I’ve been working out a lot again, but one thing about this that I’m having a lot of problems with is the lack of good shows on basic cable (which is what I have in the room where my elliptical trainer is) at 8:30 or 9 PM at night. Lately, the show of choice that I’ve been tuning into has begrudgingly been “The House of Carters” on E! I know, I hate myself because of it, because it really isn’t a good show and they act like a bunch of spoiled kids (which they indeed are). Yet, I still watch. I think the thing I think about most when I watch the show is how did youngest kid Aaron get with Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff. I mean, he’s not really a good looking dude. And more to the point, Lindsay would be a much better person if she sent Aaron some of that Proactiv solution that she blabs about in infomercials. I mean, I don’t have good skin, and I didn’t when I was 18, but dude needs to put his celebrity bucks to good use. Sure, he can still pull boy band ass now, but in three years when he’s touring with the traveling production of “Napoleon Dynamite: The Musical” he’ll be wishing he kept better care of it.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Not To Generalize, But People Suck

Just a note: we are only four days away until the return of “Breaking Bonaduce,” and I for one cannot fucking wait. Dude is a train wreck, and the fact that Dudee is dumb enough to let people film what a complete fuck-up he is is my gain. I don’t know if he can ever top breaking the coffee mug on his own head, but he’s definitely got the potential to.

I’ve been getting really pissed off at work lately, and one reason is because there are a lot of inconsiderate idiots there. Lately, the thing has been to schedule meetings or conference calls between 11 AM and 1 PM. Yeah, this really pisses me off. And every time (EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!) the person who sets up the meeting says, “I picked this time because it was the only time everyone was available.” Yeah, asshole, that’s because that the time that everyone likes to have their lunch, at the midpoint of their day. People deliberately try to keep that time free so they can have their turkey sandwiches and bags of Sun Chips, not so that you can have a meeting to complain about people not giving your issues enough attention. And I really did have a noon conference call where the purpose was for this chick to complain to everyone on the call about us not meeting her needs, and it ended up being more like a group counseling session than anything else. I felt like I was listening to a rerun of “Dear John,” only without the witty remarks of Judd Hirsch. And I really enjoyed that call, because hearing someone bitch about stuff that I didn’t do for an hour over what should have been my lunch break is ideal. Inconsiderate cunt!

To quote Sgt. Harvey Walden IV, "Have a great fucking day!"

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Today Feels Like A "Wrench" Day

Sometimes when I’m pissed, I think about “Good Will Hunting.” I do that a lot, for many situations. Strange, I know, but this is why: I think of the scene where our hero talks about how his foster dad was going to beat the shit out of him, but he got to choose whether it’s gonna be either a belt, a stick, or a wrench that the foster dad was going to use, and he says the he’ll pick the wrench because, “Cause fuck him, that's why.” I don’t know why, but some days it seems like a “wrench” day to me.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Although He Might Be More Interested In Stockard Channing Stories

Happy Boss’s Day to you bosses out there! Although you ain’t the boss of me!

I had an okay weekend. I got to go out on Friday night, which was nice. I even took a brewery tour on Saturday, although it was kind of a letdown because the brewery didn’t include their new addition on the tour. Then I worked out a lot the rest of the weekend. I was down to 215 this morning, down about 11 pounds in about 18 days, which I’ve really worked on. So I’ll keep posting my progress to keep me motivated, not because any of you care.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I overheard “Good Morning, America” talk about how Diane Sawyer was going to be in North Korea, and how they were “shocked” that the North Korean government was allowing a member of the U.S. media to enter their country. For me, this makes perfect sense. The president of North Korea is Kim Jong-Il. He is allegedly a big fan of Hollywood and stars, and I think Diane Sawyer is probably the only media member he would let in. I mean first of all, she’s pretty hot, which I’m sure helps, but for me it’s a no-brainer because her husband is Mike Nichols. The same Mike Nichols who directed “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and “The Graduate.” He’s directed Ann-Margaret, Jack Nicholson, Elizabeth Taylor (when she was still hot), Richard Burton, Dustin Hoffman, Warren Beatty, George C. Scott, Meryl Streep, Harrison Ford, and Julia Roberts among many others, so I’m sure that’s pretty impressive to Jong-Il. Of course he wants her to come into his country. He probably would even agree to a sit-down with her, just to have her tell him “Hollywood” stories. I honestly believe that. Well, only if they agreed to make him appear taller than her, which might involve some of Nichols Hollywood connections to get some George Lukas-type special effects, since she’s six inches taller than Jong-Il. Anyway, I’m not shocked at all about this, except for maybe the fact that it took this long to happen.

Friday, October 13, 2006

If You Know Me A Little Bit...

...you know that I hate Jim Belushi. David Cross is one of my favorite comedians. David Cross also hates Jim Belushi. Anyway, the guy on stage in the white shirt and white hat is David Cross, who saw Belushi "performing" at some show, I believe in Martha's Vineyard (for $40 a ticket, no less). Anyway, this is what happens, and for me (and maybe me only), this is about as funny as it gets.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

She Does Charge $1000. An Extra $100 If Someone Else Watches.

I’m exhausted. You see, I’m finally working out again, and I’m just really tired. But I’ve lost eight pounds in two weeks so far, but I still have about 25 more (at least) to go. Just thought if I wrote it on here it would keep me motivated to keep on it.

I know I just wrote about this the other week, but just so you know, watching “SportsCenter” yesterday, the talking heads reminded me at least three times that Corey Lidle’s death “really puts things in perspective.” It was good timing too, because I was really close to offing myself about the Andrew Bogut injury. Now everything’s back in perspective, so I can continue to go about my life.

I find it interesting that Tara Reid is blaming her lack of recent success (or even work) because of a botched boob job and liposuction. I saw a few episodes of “Taradise,” and I’m pretty sure the problem had a lot more to do with her talent (or lack thereof) and that Chick could drink and party like a member of Motley Crue. I mean, I’m pretty sure Beer Trip II would have been a vacation on her liver. At least Paris and Lindsay have the excuse of being young. I’m not sure what Tara’s excuse is (she’s 30). Hopefully for her, she won’t have to make money the way her character wanted to in “The Big Lebowski.” Although it might be her best option.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I've Definitely Watched Way Too Much "Saved By The Bell"

This past weekend, Kansas City legend Buck O’Neill died. He was truly a great man, and the world is much better off for having him in it. He gained a lot of fame for being such a classy man, as well as being a great humanitarian. The fame and success he gained for his humanitarian efforts was very well deserved.

One person who also was a great humanitarian but never got the proper credit was Zack Morris. Sure, the dude became psycho when Kelly Kapowski dated other dudes (especially Prof. Lasky), but he really was a great human being. Here’s a guy who’s dated chicks in wheel chairs, danced with fat chicks at school dances, dated chick wrestlers, and even dated that lesbian Tori when she was on the show while Jessie and Kelly went to skank camp. I don’t think he’s ever gotten the credit he’s deserved. And I wanted to give him that. Atta boy, Zack!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

"The Who?: Rome" (Inside Joke Probably One Person Will Get)

Okay. I feel better today. Thanks for your concern.

Last night my wife was watching “The Bachelor: Rome” while I watched football. I really can’t believe that this show is still on the air. It’s not so much that the show isn’t really that good (which it isn’t, as I’ve seen more of it than I ever would have wanted to), but the fact that these chicks go on the show to find the man of their dreams on a TV show driven by ratings is beyond my understanding. Why can’t they just go to the race track like the rest of us? I guess I just don’t get the appeal. Maybe it’s because they get to be on TV and go to Rome to try to marry an Italian “prince” who doesn’t speak Italian, but that’s just odd to me. But I guess it gives me hope. Maybe I’ll find out I’m an Irish or Croatian prince someday. I won’t even have to learn a new language, apparently.

I’m so happy that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again. Not so much so that they can act like the first syllable of “country” to people on their “reality” show. Really, it’s because I can’t wait for the next falling out to happen. I’m not sure if it’ll be a boyfriend thing, or if Nicole will be hilarious yet again by making a joke out of Paris’s porn tape. Because that’s funny. Anyway, I really can’t wait.

Screech it coming to town this weekend to do his stand-up. I hope he can find some publicity to get people to go see him. I wonder what he could do to help get the word out...

Well, that’s all I have. I think I’m gonna go back and watch the “Buy your own, Quiznos” infomercial I saw last weekend and work on my career. Toodles!

Monday, October 09, 2006

I Feel About As Funny As Gallagher

Sometimes I have a bit of an ego. It’s not very often, but when I do it’s usually about the fact that I think I’m pretty damn funny. Well, I went to the Smoking Gun website the other day, as I do a few times a week, and I ran across this hilarious article. So now, I feel less funny. A lot less funny. I was just going to tell you a recap of my weekend, but nothing I write can be as funny as the rider for Iggy Pop and the Stooges. So enjoy this while I go cry and try to rebuild my comedic ego. Lunch at the Olive Garden if anyone wants to join me!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Dartboard. Tee hee!

Just a few thoughts before I leave you for the weekend:

I feel better about me writing about “The Breakfast Club” yesterday. I had a meeting this morning where people were imitating Beavis, Forrest Gump, and Austin Powers. I was almost waiting for a “Who you gonna call?” line, but no luck. But then I think, who am I to make fun of lame, old movie quotes? I probably quote “Stripes” at least ten times a day. I’m a hypocrite. Although the “Stripes” quotes aren’t lame at all.

I think it’s funny that every time the news talks about Congressman Foley, the pedophile, I always want to call him Matt, as in Matt Foley, Chris Farley’s motivational speaker who lives in a “van down by the river!” I think it’s even more funny to me because having not read the IM transcripts, I’m guessing that’s probably where the congressman tried to lure the young men to go visit him.

I think it’s funny when Jim Rome refers to a skank like Paris Hilton as a “dartboard.” I might have to steal that for my own use.

I say, “I have my moments” way too much. I need to cut down on that. Maybe I need a swear jar type thing to cut down. Any other suggestions are welcome.

Well, my weekend will be spent with some of my wife’s out-of-town friends tonight, and working what might possibly be the last Kansas City Wizards game I’ll ever work. Kinda sad. Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend, and I’ll check with you on Monday.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

And Ally Sheedy Looked A Lot Better Before Molly Ringwald Gave Her That Makeover

You know what movie should be everyone’s guilty pleasure, but no one feels guilty about liking? “The Breakfast Club.” You know why? Because everyone seems to love it, including me, but it’s not a good movie, especially the acting. Last night, as I was working out, there wasn’t really anything on that I wanted to watch. So I watched “The Breakfast Club” on ABC Family, and yeah, it’s not a good movie. Yet, I always watch it whenever I see that it’s on. So I watched it last night, and I really realized how bad the acting was, especially Emilio Estevez (“Be the best, Andrew! Be a winner, Andrew! We won’t have failures in this family!”). Anyway, I could go on and on about it, but since it came out over 20 years ago, it’s probably not that hip of a topic. And also because I embarrassingly like it. Yet, I just don’t know why. Judd Nelson’s Patrick Ewing-like nostrils probably play a part in it though.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Help A Dude Out!

I need some help. I don’t ask for much, and even when I do (like more comments) you either ignore me or tell me to go fuck myself. I understand this. I’m not a huge fan of me either. But in this case, I really need you to help me out. Please. Actually, it’s not for me so much as it is for a friend of mine, Keith Gates, who is trying to win a contest to be a radio morning show personality in Kansas City. They have an on-line voting process, and if you could help him out and vote for him, he would love you for it. Probably not literally, but maybe. Just ask. He’s friendly, so he might put out for you. He seems kinda slutty actually, now that I think about it. Anyway, if you would be so kind, please go to this website and go to “Group Five Voting” on the left column of the page and vote for Keith Gates. And forward it to others if you would be so kind. Please. And if you won’t do it for him, a guy with a dream and a heart of gold (and someone who is legitimately funny), do it for me. Because holy shit, life would be so much fucking better for me if he won and I didn’t have to deal with him at my current job any longer. While he’s funny, he’s a pain in the ass in person and it would much better if I could just shut him off with a click of a button or put in a CD instead of listening to him. So thanks, and God bless you all.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Fire The Weapon, Poindexter!

Every year the networks hype all their new shows, and usually I don’t bite. This year, I did, as I’m watching “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.” And I do like it quite a bit. I’m not sure Amanda Peet is that good of an actress, but at least she’s nice to look at. Matthew Perry is actually pretty solid, as he isn’t playing the unlikable pussy that he was the last few seasons of “Friends.” I do like the fact that Tim Busfield is in the cast too. Anytime you can add a character who was in both “Stripes” and “Revenge of the Nerds,” I think you have to do it (and I have to support it). The one thing that is kinda funny to me though is Bradley Whitford’s voice. When he gets on was of his rants, I think he sounds exactly like Matthew Perry does when he does the same thing. If you watch the show, next time close your eyes when they’re arguing, you’ll see that they sound the same. At least to me. Anyway, that’s my TV suggestion for you.

The Mark Foley story is like a terrific (although sick) O Henry story. Being a leader in the Congressional crusade against pedophilia and then being caught as one, now that’s real irony. Not that “not actually irony” irony from that Alanis Morissette song.

Finally, Happy Birthday to my wife! She turned 32, and looks like she’s in her mid-twenties. If you’re reading this, I love you and hope you have a great day!

Monday, October 02, 2006

If Only I Thought The Food Was Better

Every day for lunch, I usually just bring something into work. Usually it’s a turkey sandwich, but today, it was chicken and noodles. But I think that all might have to change. I think I need to start going to the Olive Garden. I’ve only been there like once or twice, and remember it only being okay at best. But their commercials are really reeling me in. Everyone really has a good time at the Olive Garden, or at least during their commercials. I mean, the food is pretty good from the people’s reactions and their repeat trips back, but the conversations and laughter that happen there really make it seem like a great place. Even the really stupid comments and extremely unfunny jokes get a tremendous amount of laughter. Sometimes even, the jokes are so stupid and don’t make any sense, yet everyone at your table will get hysterical over them. It’s a real ego boost. I guess if I ever decide to do stand-up comedy and need an ego boost, I think I’m just going to go to the Olive Garden and work on my material. It’s a fail-safe method, I think.