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Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Although I Bet The Acting Is Better Than It Was In "Showgirls"

Yes, I heard about the Screech ménage-a-trois sex tape that is rumored to exist per the New York Post. My thoughts on this tape are as follows:

1. I don’t really care. If Screech wants to give some dirty skank a Dirty Sanchez, that’s their business.
2. I don’t ever want to see it. Unless the two chicks with him are Selma Hayek and Natasha Henstridge, I’m not interested. And even then I’m not so sure.
3. I’m really concerned that this is going to be put up for sale by my birthday or Christmas, and some wisenheimer is going to buy it for me for either one. Please don’t. Seriously. If you’re my friend, you wouldn’t pay money for this. It’s kinda like someone buying me a joke Larry the Cable Guy CD or DVD. Sure, it’s mildly funny, but the real injustice is that he’d get residuals for it. Same with this. Buying this only encourages people to put out a Screech sex tape because they’ll make money, and no one wants that. Except maybe his publicist.
4. Finally, this would have probably been a more effective way for him to raise money for his house. Unfortunately. What a sick world we live in where that’s probably true.


  • At 4:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You're back, you're really back!

  • At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Fisty, your ol' pal Six here, I don't want to play the spoiler for you, because I know by you saying you don't want someone to buy the DVD for you, it means you really really do want someone to buy it for you. But, here are the highlights that I got from an inside source:

    02:41 - An unseen audience reacts to the moment of penetration with an "ooooooooooooooooh."

    03:14 – Dustin's voice cracks while ordering one of the girls to lick him "crack to sack."

    10:01 – Before performing fellatio on him, Dustin orders girl #2 place a picture of Lark Vorheeves over her face with the mouth hole cut out.

    14:22 - Screech demands one of the girls call him Belding. When she reluctantly agrees, he slaps her across the face and tells her she has a month's worth of Saturday detentions.

    22:21 – On the urging of Mark Paul Gosselaar, Dustin concocts a series of zany lies to explain his inability to maintain an erection. As his wacky cover story begins to spin out of control, he eventually contradicts himself and the farce is exposed.

    25:15 One of the girls asks if they can do it to the rhythm of Zack Attack's "Friend's Forever." Dustin angrily reminds her that he's Dustin Diamond, not Screech. Resentfully, he agrees.

    28:52 – Through a series of comic mishaps Dustin discovers an abandoned radio station hidden behind the wall of his bedroom. He begins to broadcast audio clips of his sexual exploits to the consternation of Dennis Haskins.

    32:23 – Mark Paul Gosselaar enters the frame, makes a "T" with his hand and calls "Time Out." Time freezes while he muses on the various humorous aspects of seeing his pal's penis.

    33:02 - Screech attempts a sexual maneuver called the "Schlosky Bishop Block." It is unclear whether he is successful.

    35:49 Kevin the robot gets in on the action. His participation comes to an abrupt end when he confuses one of the girls with math homework, leading to hilarious consequences.

    38:22 – Leah Remini shows up very briefly.

    40:03 - They go to a college dorm room and everybody stops watching.

  • At 11:22 AM, Blogger Fist Tickle Brick said…

    Holy shit, Six! That was fucking hilarious! Good work.

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger eatmisery said…

    "Crack to sack" - I think I peed a little from my laughter when I read that.


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