How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm Ready To Throw Down (Or Whatever It Is That Non-Pussies Say)

You know the scene in “Fight Club” where Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are talking about who they’d most like to fight? My recollection of the movie isn’t as good as I’d like it to be, but I think at first Norton said he wanted to fight his boss, and then Pitt said his dad. Then Norton came back and said that he definitely wanted to fight William Shatner. Once in awhile I think of that scene, and I think about what my response would be to that question. Recently though, it’s a no-brainer. Especially around 11 PM. If I could fight anyone, it would definitely be Geraldo Rivera. I cannot stand that piece of crap. And it really has nothing to do with his viewpoints, as I’m not even sure what they are. And it isn’t even because of his stupid mustache. Well, maybe a little bit has to do with that.

No, the main reason is the end of his show, “Geraldo at Large” (which I only see because “Seinfeld” comes on right after it). He does this Sammy Sosa-type thing where he kisses the tips of his index and middle fingers, and then turns his hands around and gives the camera the “peace” sign. It is the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen many episodes of “CHiPs”. I just really want to punch him in the face when he does that. Or throw a chair at his nose like those skinheads did on his old show. I mean, it kinda sucks that I have something in common with a skinhead, but I really think I with them when it comes to douchebag Rivera. Sure it’s for different reasons than the neo-Nazis, but I’m a big supporter of a chair to Geraldo’s face, no matter who’s throwing it.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Worst Coach Ever!

I don’t know if you’ve seen those Nike commercials with the Briscoe High School team. Anyway, it’s about a “high school” football team. According to the Nike website, the team consists of many star NFL players, including LaDanian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, Troy Polamalu, Matt Leinart, and Ron Mexico, and is coached by Hall of Fame head coach Don Shula. To restate myself, these guys are NFL stars, yet they’re on this imaginary high school team in the commercial. So you’d think with having these stars on the team that they’d be pretty dominant. Well, they’re not. They beat some pretty good high school teams, but these guys should be able to contend for a Super Bowl with their roster. I mean, this high school team has Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart as its backup quarterback. Yet, they barely squeak out games. One game they were trailing late at the end, and they needed a half-back pass from Tomlinson to get the winning touchdown on the last play of the game. They had to resort to a gadget play to win a high school game. Anyway, I guess my whole point is that Don Shula must really be a shitty coach. No wonder Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl. He’s also probably the main reason that Ray Finkle missed that kick. They should kick him out of the Hall.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Although I Bet The Acting Is Better Than It Was In "Showgirls"

Yes, I heard about the Screech ménage-a-trois sex tape that is rumored to exist per the New York Post. My thoughts on this tape are as follows:

1. I don’t really care. If Screech wants to give some dirty skank a Dirty Sanchez, that’s their business.
2. I don’t ever want to see it. Unless the two chicks with him are Selma Hayek and Natasha Henstridge, I’m not interested. And even then I’m not so sure.
3. I’m really concerned that this is going to be put up for sale by my birthday or Christmas, and some wisenheimer is going to buy it for me for either one. Please don’t. Seriously. If you’re my friend, you wouldn’t pay money for this. It’s kinda like someone buying me a joke Larry the Cable Guy CD or DVD. Sure, it’s mildly funny, but the real injustice is that he’d get residuals for it. Same with this. Buying this only encourages people to put out a Screech sex tape because they’ll make money, and no one wants that. Except maybe his publicist.
4. Finally, this would have probably been a more effective way for him to raise money for his house. Unfortunately. What a sick world we live in where that’s probably true.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Goddamn Yard Work!

So last night I got home and got to mowing the lawn. Pretty exciting stuff, right? Okay, not so much, but the old guy who lives across the street stopped me while I was mowing to chit-chat. And by “chit-chat” I mean say things to me like this:

“The English are so goddamn stupid! They don’t know how to make a goddamn road that works right. They just build the goddamn road, and then before it’s finished they put a goddamn building in the way so the goddamn road has to stop. It’s so goddamn stupid. I told them that they’re lucky that the U.S. saved their goddamn butts in World War too otherwise Hitler would have crushed their goddamn asses! Those goddamn people weren’t so fond of me. Oh well. The English are just so goddamn stupid!”

“The French are just so goddamn filthy. When I was in Europe, when I was in the service for 15 months during the ‘bad time’ over there, me and my pals called them ‘Pigs’ because they’re so goddamn dirty. Those goddamn people never bathed. Goddamn filthy pigs!”

There was more, but those were a couple of the highlights. Eventually, I was able to get back to mowing. And by “eventually” I mean about 20 minutes later. Old guy likes to talk. About an hour or so later, I went outside to finish watering the lawn. I was rolling up the hose (literally I was; that’s not a euphemism or anything), and lo and behold, Old Guy comes driving out again, once again just stopping at my driveway and wanting me to come talk to him. After a few minutes of exhilarating lawn-care conversation, he then started telling me about the people in the northeastern U.S. I got some nuggets of info like this:

“I was in New Jersey once when I was driving my truck, and some goddamn driver from there made a crack about how I made a ‘starvation wage.’ I told him that my house was a lot bigger than his goddamn flat. And he was stammering, stumbling, and stuttering when I said that to him. Goddamn northeastern jerks!”

“Some goddamn guy in Baltimore once asked me if the west, where I lived, was a rough as it was in the movies. I told him that it wasn’t that bad, but I carried a 30/30 Winchester just in case some goddamn Indian tried to attack me. The guy gave me a look like this (he gaped) and I told him that I didn’t shoot the Indians to kill. I just shot them in the shoulder to knock them back. And that goddamn northeastern believed it. They’re so goddamn stupid!”

This conversation lasted another 20 minutes before I could escape. No wonder why I hate yard work so goddamn much!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Damn, Rachael. Would 20% Kill You?!?!?

Today was my son’s first day of preschool. Hopefully he’s doing well, but it was weird dropping him off at a place that wasn’t his sitter or his “GaGa’s house.” The funny thing was that he’s the new kid at the place, and he right away went in and played and sat down next to other kids like longtime friends. At least as “longtime” as a two-year-olds can be. I think once he got in there he was ready for his mom and me to leave. When we left, the lady there said, “He sure is social, isn’t he?” That’s my kid. He’s probably already the craziest kid there. I have little doubt. Oh yeah, and my wife said she cried as we left preschool. I thought I was gonna be a little emotional, but he was having fun right away so I was fine. I hope that continues.

I meant to write this awhile ago, but this was kinda funny to me. I taped an episode of Rachael Ray’s show “$40-A-Day” because she was visiting a brewery in whatever town she was in. In fact, she’s quite a drinker. She seems to do that a lot on that show. Anyway, my wife was watching it with me, and after Rachael had her dinner and showed the total amount of money she spent that day, my wife goes, “Well no wonder why she can get by on spending less than $40 a day! She’s a shitty tipper!” To me, that was pretty damn funny. And true by the way! Get on it Rachael. Quit being so fucking cheap!

Oh, and the Flying Monkey Brewery Open House was awesome. I must have told each of the five owners at least three times each that they need to bring back their Christmas Ale. I just hope it works.

Alright. I’m working on having more of these this week, but we’ll see. Love ya!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Apologies

I haven't written much lately because I've been home watching the kid as he starts pre-school next week and we didn't have anyone to watch him last Thursday, Friday, and today. Also, my home computer really sucks, so I've tried to post a few blogs at home and it never seems to work. So let's hope this one works.

Other than that, I've been a little sick, but I'm going to a brewery open house on Sunday, so I'm excited about that. More to come when I have time and a better computer to write from.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Thank Gosh For Sports Talk Radio Personalities To Put It All In Perspective For Morons Like Me

Um, well, let me tell you that last week sucked. It sucked big time. Not one of my better weeks. For a week without any tragedies or serious problems, it was one of the worst weeks I’d had in a while. Most of it had to do with work, although there were a few other stressful moments. My wife was in Vegas with the girls, so I was on single dad duty for much of the week. I’m not complaining about that, because I get to go on Beer Trips, but this week was just rough and very busy, plus I was acting supervisor for the week. But I’m going to stop writing about it now because no one wants to read some jackass complaining.

On that point, I understand that today is the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, but I am sick of hearing people say, “Today really puts things in perspective.” I’ve heard them talk about this in regards to the Chiefs losing yesterday. “You know, today is a day that you have to remember that football is just a game.” Really, just today? Because normally I hole up in my basement and just sob uncontrollably for about three days. I was about to do that today as well, but someone on the radio reminded me that it is different today, because it’s the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Now I realize that football is just a game and doesn’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things. Thank god for radio personalities to bring this all in perspective to me. I’d be lost without them. Because I’m a fucking moron.