How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Have A Happy 4th Of July!!!!

Well, not much exciting has happened lately, so I’ll just tell you about my weekend briefly. Tonight, I’ll be hitting a happy hour for a former co-worker who is leaving my old group. That should be fun, as I haven’t seen her in a few months. Tomorrow, we’ll take the kid to Gymboree, I’ll mow the lawn, and then I’ll work the exciting soccer match at the stadium. On Sunday, we’re going to our friends’ parents’ lake house, which I’m excited about. It should be a fun weekend, as I’m taking off work on Monday and then the holiday is Tuesday, so I don’t have to be back to work until Wednesday. Basically, that’s all I’m doing, and that’s all I’ve got for you. Have a great weekend, and I’ll talk to you on Wednesday.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Here's The Plan!

My good pal Eat Misery asked the other day about Beer Trip II, and I’m always happy to write about Beer Trip II. Basically, five friends and I are going to be going to 16-18 breweries/brewpubs in five days. Here is the tentative list of places we are going to:

Gella’s Diner and Liquid Bread Brewing Company in Hays, KS.
Sandlot Brewery in Denver.
Great Divide Brewing Company in Denver.
Rock Bottom Brewery in Denver.
Boulder Brewing Company in Boulder, CO.
Pumphouse Brewery in Longmont, CO.
Left Hand Brewing Company in Longmont, CO.
Oskar Blues Grill and Brewery in Lyons, CO.
Odell’s Brewery in Fort Collins, CO.
Fort Collins Brewery in Fort Collins.
Coopersmith’s Pub and Brewing in Fort Collins.
New Belgium Brewing Company in Fort Collins.
Snake River Brewing Company in Cheyenne, WY.
Thunderhead Brewery in Kearney, NE.
Empyrean Brewing Company in Lincoln, NE.
Upstream Brewing Company in Omaha, NE.

We also might hit Avery Brewing Company in Boulder and Big Horn Brewery in Fort Collins if we have time (and the ability) to do that. Plus, the Sandlot Brewery is attached to Coors Field, and we’ll see the Brewers play the Rockies the first night of the trip too! And all this is only 34 days away!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Later.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Screech Is Still My Friend!

You know, I wrote about his show yesterday, but I’ve decided that I don’t really care for Dane Cook that much. I used to think he was funny (his parody of Tom Cruise on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” was pretty damn funny), but now, not so much. I bought his first CD after I saw his “Kimmel” appearance, and I thought it was good. I almost bought his second CD, but Doncock did instead and let me borrow it, and I didn’t like it nearly as much. Probably because he repeated some jokes from his first CD, which I think would have been a good idea to edit out. Now he has his horribly bad show on HBO, and that show is just annoying (even though I’ll continue to watch it). He just seems like such a whining douchebag on the show, although not to the extent of Jay. I actually think he has Jay on the show so that he seems like less of a stroke. Too bad it’s not working for him. Anyway, I’m officially not a fan of Dane Cook anymore. He’s no longer my “friend” on MySpace (yes, I am in middle school), so I’m sure he’s crushed. If anyone wants my Dane Cook “Harmful if Swallowed” CD, let me know. You can have it. I’m cutting off all ties with him.

Actually, I’m probably just pissed because I can’t do his SuFi middle finger thing (instead of giving someone the middle finger, you raise your middle and ring finger). I physically cannot do it unless I have my thumb hold back my pinky, and apparently that is the wrong way to do it. My pinky and ring finger are very codependent and cannot be apart without the thumb restraining one of them. It’s kind of a dysfunctional relationship. Anyway, really, the SuFi is kinda lame, so I don’t care too much that I can’t do that. Although maybe that’s what got Jessica Simpson to fall for him. Hmmm…maybe I’ll have to work on that.

Okay, I’m done. Make sure you visit our friend Screech’s website and help save his house. We have the ability to help out one of the great Americans out, so don’t miss your chance. Imagine all the karma you’ll get from helping him out!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Go To Hell, Associated Press! Go Straight To Hell!!!

Rush Limbaugh got caught at the airport with some illegally obtained Viagra. That is very disappointing. I am not very happy right now. How could the AP report this story? I would think the government could maybe do something to the AP, because this definitely goes against what is best for the nation. Who really wants to think about Rush Limbaugh getting a hard-on? Ugh.

R.I.P. to Aaron Spelling, the man who brought us such classic shows as “Summerland,” “The Love Boat: The Next Wave,” “Pacific Palisades,” “Sunset Beach,” and “Malibu Shores.” If there was ever to be a night-time soap opera set in a warm climate, you could always count and Mr. Spelling to be there. Some formulas never fail.

“Dane Cook’s Tourgasm” might be the worst show on TV. It is horrible. Yet, I am still Tivo’ing it and will continue to watch it every week. Maybe because it is so bad. And no, not like “Maury” bad as you might think (“Maury” isn’t bad, anyway!). This is just bad-bad. Unfunny comedians telling unfunny jokes, and doing unfunny (read: boring) things when they aren’t on stage. I don’t want to compare me watching it to that of a car crash, because car crashes can be interesting. This isn’t. I think maybe I just like torturing myself, but then again I don’t watch “The Hills” with my wife. The worst thing is that I don’t really have a point to this whole paragraph except to make it clear that I don’t like this show, and yet I will still watch it for some unknown reason.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you right now. Be patient as I really need to get back into the swing of writing every day. I will get better. I hope, at least. Kisses!

Monday, June 26, 2006

One Out Of Three Ain't Good

Man, did the Brewers lay a couple of turds on Saturday and Sunday! That blew. At least they won the first game, which was nice, and I got a Frank White bobblehead on Saturday and a Kansas City Monarch hat on Sunday so it wasn’t a complete wash. That was pretty much my weekend…going to Brewers games. It was pretty fun, and I’m glad my wife was cool with me going to all three games since the Brewers only come in town about every 6 years. Anyway, here are my thoughts on my weekend at Kaufmann Stadium:

• Constant heckling is really stupid and very annoying. An occasional comment at a player is okay, as long as it is warranted and funny, but nine innings of unoriginal/unfunny comments about a player who is a great shape being fat is really annoying. We got to deal with that yesterday at the game, when some out-of-shape loser was calling Brewers All-Star left fielder Carlos Lee fat. And his comments were along the lines of, “Hey Carlos, you want a Twinkie?” and “I’ve got some nachos for you, Lee!” Funny shit, huh? I will wait a second for you to catch your breath, because that is golden…………Ready? Not yet. Okay, I’ll give you more time……….Now? Okay, good. Anyway, heckling is annoying, and if you heckle, just know that you aren’t funny and are bothering everyone around you. And if you’re there with friends and/or family, you are only embarrassing them. And basically you just look like a tremendous tool.
• If you’ve ever seen “Major League,” you know the line “Too high!” when the one guy hits a homer against the Indians. It was a pretty funny line in the movie. But the movie came out in 1989. I don’t think that I have been to a baseball game since 1989 when I didn’t hear someone say it at least once. Even yesterday’s game, when there were no home runs, I heard it three times. If you say that, just know that it’s no longer funny. It was probably funny up until 1992, maybe 1994 if you want to give it a five-year grace period, but that was still a dozen years ago. Let it go. Think of another movie line to steal from, or better yet, think of something creative on you own. But “Too high!” is just not funny anymore, especially on lazy fly balls to the right fielder, and really, really especially when you said it two innings earlier.
• Using a movie line out of context is also annoying. On Friday night, there were a ton of Brewers fans at the game. I would guess that the crowd was 60 percent Royals fans to 40 percent Brewers fans. Late in the game, with the Brewers winning 7-2, some knob sitting behind us yelled, “Brewers suck!” While that was pretty damn clever, I yelled, “Hey!” He said, “Um, you look like a banker!” (a comment paraphrasing a line from “Major League”). It didn’t make any sense (I was wearing a Brewers jersey), and it wasn’t funny, so I just said, “Um, yeah.” He later said a line from another baseball movie (I can’t remember right now, as memorable and funny as it was), but it also made no sense. I was half-expecting to hear him say, “There’s no crying in baseball!” and “Build it, and he will come.” Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear him say, “Let them play!” too. I don’t mind a funny line from a movie, but please use in the right context. Thank you.

Enough bitching from me. I’ve got shit to do, so I’ll try to blabber at you tomorrow. Later.

Friday, June 23, 2006

To Quote My Son: "Go Brewers!!!!!!!"

I’m pretty excited today. My favorite team in any sport, the Milwaukee Brewers, is coming into town. I am going to the games tonight and tomorrow, and maybe even on Sunday (which I just found out is the only game that isn’t on local TV). So we’ll see. But man, I am really excited.

Yes, I was serious when I said that I loved “Maury” yesterday.

And Beer Trip II is only 40 days away! Woo hoo!

So “Last Comic Standing” is back on the air. And so far, I’ve been really disappointed. First of all, they let some of the least funny “comedians” I’ve ever seen on the show. The elimination portion of the show is where the comedians go to a booth and say, “I know that I am funnier than…” and say which other contest they are funnier than. Well, of the twelve people who are on the show, I know that I’m funnier than at least four of them. Hell, Tiger Woods, Jake Boot, and cancer jokes are funnier than most of them. Luckily this last week, they kicked off the absolute least funny person I’ve ever seen do stand-up in my life. That’s not an overstatement either. She was this pregnant chick named Stella, and her act was the most unoriginal, unfunny thing I’d ever seen. Example: She told the “joke” about how her husband doesn’t remember getting her pregnant, and she said she told him that he was drunk. Then she said, “But really, he was out of town!” Hardy-har-har. Didn’t Joan Rivers tell that joke on the old “Tonight Show?” The one hosted by Jack Paar? And it wasn’t like she just told that joke once. She used it at least one other time on the show, and possibly four times total. You’d think the lack of laughter the first time would have proved to her that it sucked, but oh no! Actually, she laughed at the joke, so she probably couldn’t tell that no one else did. The other thing that was disappointing was that the hot chick got kicked off. That never helps. I’m not sure who I like most right now, but the guy who looks like Screech and has cerebral palsy is probably the favorite. And at least he is a little funny. I hope he writes new jokes, as the ones I’ve heard so far have been a little funny, but I’ve heard them all at least a couple of times now. But at least he didn’t steal them from that chick Geri from “The Facts of Life.” I don’t think, at least.

Can I say that the line “Hug it out!” (or “Hug it out, bitch!”) is not funny, except the first time it was said on “Entourage?” Please don’t say it. Go back to saying, “Yeah, baby!” like Austin Powers or “Whazzzup!” from the Bud Light commercials, because that’s just as fresh.

Well, have a great weekend. I think I will.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Whew! Finally, Some Free Time!

Okay, hopefully I will be able to post more often now. Really this time. You see, I was acting supervisor for my job for the last seven weeks, and it was time-consuming. Conference call after conference call, followed by a meeting and then another conference call. That was pretty much my daily schedule. And I hate conference calls. A lot. Yesterday I was on a conference call where there was a dog barking in the background and a lady was yelling at her kid. Seriously. It was an hour-long call too. But now, hopefully that stuff has slowed down, and if so, I can post more. So I’ll be trying.

I have a new favorite show. I really love “Maury.” I think it is the greatest show on TV. Well, I should be clear. I only watch “Maury” when the show topic is “Paternity Tests Revealed.” Otherwise, I’m not interested. And, oh yes, I Tivo “Maury.” “Paternity Tests Revealed” is the greatest thing ever. I love it when some chick goes on stage, tells Maury that this loser guy is “definitely the father,” the loser guy comes out and calls the chick a ‘ho, Maury reveals that he isn’t the father, and then the guy goes nuts like he won the lottery, yelling “I told you! I told you!” while the chick goes running backstage and cries. That in itself is pretty good, but Maury following her backstage and telling her, “If you want, we’ll help you figure out who the father is,” is the proverbial icing on the cake. Also, they have these filmed pieces before the dude comes out where he explains how there’s no way he’s the father that are classic. The other day, once guy said that he was 150% sure he wasn’t the father in his clip, another guy was 105%, and the last guy was 230%, which is pretty remarkable in my opinion. But the 230% guy did have six fingers on his hand, so I guess he should have the highest percentage. So that is my guilty pleasure of the moment, although I really don’t feel that guilty about it. It is great stuff.

Yes, I have seen this story. And to be honest, I’m surprisingly not that excited about it. But that could change. I mean, an actual reality show with these two would be much better, because they are both unintentionally funny. Feldman with his delusions of being an A-List star (don’t forget, he did say something to the effect of that it should have been him winning the Oscar and not Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) and a musician are pretty entertaining. And Haim would be hilarious if he wasn’t so sad. He’s probably the reason why I’ve never done drugs before. Anyway, I might watch this show, but if they don’t make light of the fact that Haim tried to sell his molar on eBay, I will be pissed. That would be must-watch television.

Well, that’s what I got for now. Comments are appreciated, and I’ll try to answer any questions that you may have. Love ya!

Friday, June 16, 2006

He Likes To Hold Poles



This picture is on my calendar at work, which was a gift from Oracle. It makes me laugh not so much because of the look on Han Solo's face, nor because it looks like he is ready to join in a fisting party. But the main thing is that his vest says, "Team Oracle: Pole Holder". Maybe it's because I have the mentality of a 14 year old, but I find that fact that his shirt says "Pole Holder" to be hilarious.