How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Diaper Run

During my lunch break, I went to get my kid some diapers. I finally decided that he would be ready for a new one tonight since his mom last changed him before she went out of town yesterday morning. Since we’ve moved to my new building for work, there haven’t been many positives, but today I thought I finally found one: I’m really close to the Costco, which we joined just the other week. This was my first solo trip to Costco ever, so needless to say, I was pretty excited. As I walked in, I was greeted by the greeter, who wanted to see my card. I showed it to him and was beaming as I told him, “I’m a Gold Star Member!” He just told me to go on in, and I was stunned. He didn’t seem that impressed. I mean, God fucking damnit!!! I’m a fucking Gold Star Member! I’m a high-roller! I’m a big fucking deal! You hear me? GOLD STAR MEMBER!!! Yet, he was unfazed. So now I’m questioning my relationship with Costco. If they aren’t going to be impressed with me being a Gold Star Member, I just don’t know if I can go back ever again.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Really Quick

I don't have time to write anything today, but thanks to Doncock for this link. It had to be added. Have a great week!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

S.T.A.P.S.I.A.J.

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I am sorry for that. I have been busy. We moved to a new building at work, and a bunch of other things have taken my time on top of that. Plus, with me training people at work and my kid’s birthday, an out of town wedding this weekend to get ready for, and a host of other things, I’ve been swamped. Well, that’s not all entirely true. I also don’t have a whole lot of interesting things to write about. I mean, getting my dogs groomed, doing yard work, and working soccer matches aren’t exactly interesting reads. But let’s see what I can do.

I bought Patton Oswalt’s CD a few weeks ago (Feelin’ Kinda Patton), and I think it is fantastic. It’s done a few things for me. It made me go out and buy Robert Evans’ autobiography The Kid Stays in the Picture and read it (all 462 pages) in about a week and a half. That says a lot for someone who isn’t a big reader like I am not. And it was a pretty interesting book to say the least, and I think anyone who’s interested in the movie-making business would be interested in reading about someone who made famous movies (“The Godfather” and “Chinatown” to name a few) and name drops like no one else I’ve ever known, read, or heard before. The other thing the CD made me do was quote it a lot. And I mean, A LOT. While there are many good quotes, my favorite actually has to do with the Robert Evans portion of his act. He has a bit about when Evans was doing promos for ESPN. He pretended he was Evans when he talked, and it went something like this: “Back was I was producing “The Godfather”, I had a Jacuzzi installed in my trailer that I put apple juice put in everyday. Do you know how sweet Diane Keaton’s pussy tastes after it’s been soaked in apple juice? Well, it’s not as sweet as the action you’ll see this weekend on ESPN!” Well, to me, that’s pretty damn funny. So my favorite thing to say now is that something is “sweeter than a pussy soaked in apple juice!” The problem is that it is hard to find the proper place to say that line. So sometimes I have to take what I can, and on Easter we were playing “Catch Phrase” at my in-laws house after lunch. The game was going along, and when it came to me, the word was “Apple Juice”. Well naturally, I just started laughing. A lot. No one knew why. Eventually I said to Doncock, who is familiar with the CD, “This is what Robert Evans puts in his Jacuzzi.” Needless to say, he said, “Apple juice” right away and no one in the room had any idea how he got that so quickly. And I didn’t want to have to explain it to them (so hopefully they will read this and I won’t ever have to). And the second best thing was that we won the game. So that was pretty sweet. Like a pussy soaked in apple juice. Thank you! Good night! And have a great weekend!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Hey!

If you hear me say "Mad props!" ever, feel free to punch me in the face.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I Guess It Helps With The Grieving Process

Last Friday I went home for lunch as I usually do. I have to take advantage of working so close to home since I’m moving offices again next week (which I’m not too happy about), so I eat lunch at my house almost every day. Anyway, I had a nice delicious turkey sandwich and some soup, and as I was washing my dishes, my dogs started flipping out. They really flipped out. I went and looked at what they’re barking about, and I saw that there was a crew of guys mowing and tending to my lawn. I had no idea why they were doing that, but I didn’t really care. I had to get back to work, and when I opened my garage door, I saw that their truck is blocking me in. One of the guys waved to me and motioned to another worker to move their truck. I walk up to the guy and asked, “Did my wife call and ask you guys to do this?”

And the guy responded, “All I know is my boss told us this morning to come and mow your lawn.” He didn’t speak the best English, so I wasn’t really looking to get into a big conversation with him. I just left. As I was driving, I called my wife and asked her if she hired some guys to do our lawn. She started laughing and said, “No I didn’t.” We joked about how we were getting a free mow, but didn’t know why they were doing it.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon: My wife went to some scrapbook party, but she had to be home by 4:30 PM because I had to leave then to go work at the stadium. I heard the garage door open, so I got ready to leave. A few minutes pass and she still didn’t come in, so I went outside to see what was going on. Well, she was talking to our neighbor. I went out to tell her bye, and she said, “I’m not dead!”

I said, “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

And she said, “You remember those guys mowing our lawn yesterday?” Of course I did. It was only about 30 hours prior to her question. I mean, I’m not the smartest person in the world, the country, the state, the city, the block, or even my house, but even I can remember things from the previous day. At least most of the time. Anyway, I nodded. She said, “Well they told her that I was dead, and that’s why they were mowing our lawn.” The neighbor said something else, but I was just laughing.

I asked, “Do they mow the lawns of dead people? Is that what they do?”

“I guess so,” she said. “I’m not sure what the deal is. But they mowed ours, and we don’t have to pay for it. Lucky us.” So that was pretty cool, I guess. I just wonder what that guy was thinking when I asked him if my wife called them to mow our lawn.

Anyway, I thought that was sorta funny.