He's Even Worse Than Michael Bolton! For Real!!!!
The other day when I was up at Mr. C.’s parents’ lake house, he and I were talking about ESPN’s “50 States in 50 Days” thing that they’re doing. Basically, each day they have some SportsCenter guy in some state at a sporting event, and they talk about whatever is important to that state. It’s supposed to be a celebration of all good things about this country. Anyway, the song that they have for all the intros and promos is some shitty Bryan Adams song (is that redundant?). Mr. C. remarked how it was pretty ironic how this celebration of each of the states of the U.S. has a song by a Canadian. I agreed, adding that I thought that it was pretty ironic how this thing that was supposed to be about things that were great about this country featured such a piece of shit singer. Seriously, there are a ton of terrible pop singers out there. But Bryan Adams has to head the list. First of all, I think his voice sounds like Don Henley swallowing sand paper. It’s brutal. Secondly, I think his song titles have to be among the worst of all time. He actually has a song called “(I Wanna Be Your) Underwear”. Seriously. That’s the name of a song that he wrote, recorded, and put on an album. I have a feeling it was originally called “(I Wanna Be Your) Tampon” or “(I Wanna Be Your) Anal Beads”, but a producer talked him into “Underwear” instead. According to his website (which I’m not going to link because he just sucks too much) shows that he has six songs that start with the word “Don’t”, four that start with “Hey”, three with “When”, and at least four that have the word “Ya” in it. I think his next album features the single “Hey, Don’t Ya Come When Ya Want!” Even one of his biggest hits is an attempt to be funny is a sexual way. “Summer of ‘69” isn’t about the summer of 1969. Bryan Adams was nine years old in the summer of 1969. It’s about the summer he and his girlfriend sixty-nined a lot. Boy, what a clever fellow that guy is! Actually though, I need to give him some credit. “Summer of ‘69” was a lot more successful than Chuck Berry’s “Spring of Stinky Pinky” and George Michael’s “Fall of My Anal Virginity”, so he’s got that going for him. Anyway, I guess he’s opening for Def Leppard tonight in Kansas City, so I better stop writing now so I can go get me some tickets. I’m sure that show’s been sold out for months. Later.