How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Every Day Stinks. That's Why They Call It "The Huge, Steaming Pile Of Crap Present"!

Yesterday I had to watch a “training” video for work. The reason I use quotes is two-fold. One, I like to use quotes. They make me feel clever. Or is that cleverer? Oh well, I just blew that by sounding stupider. Or is it more stupid? Anyway, the second reason is that it didn’t train me at all. It only made me sleepier and less enthused about my day. The video was called “Attitude: A little thing makes a big difference”. My work is making everyone take the class, probably because we all have shitty attitudes. Except for me, because I have a pleasant attitude everyday. I am like a ray of sunshine that you see making dew glisten on a rose petal on a beautiful spring day. But others, they suck balls. The video was pretty lame, like every work training video is. Bad acting, unrealistic situations, unrealistic reactions by people, etc. But one thing did make me laugh out loud, and I call it the “Mike Sweeney quote”. For those of you who don’t know, Mike Sweeney is the highest profile player on the Kansas City Royals. He makes over $11 million a year, and he shouldn’t. In baseball, they have what they call “Five-Tool Players” (I think they also have those in Japanese porn movies.) The five tools are fielding, running, throwing, hitting for average, and hitting for power. Mike Sweeney is a one and a half tool player. His fielding is about as good as Timmy Lupus from “The Bad News Bears”. He’s slower than me (and I’m really slow). I don’t know how well he throws, because he’s usually DHing because his fielding is so terrible. Plus, when he’s not DHing, he plays first base, and it’s not really too important for a first baseman to throw all that well. He does hit for average, and he has a little bit of power, about average to below-average for a first baseman/DH. And he does all this while missing about a quarter of the games a season due to whatever injury he gets. Anyway, back to the quote. Every time Sweeney’s injured, he gets interviewed on the radio or TV and he always states how he wants to get back out on the field as soon as he can. And then he’ll say that he wants to get out there that day. Then he adds the “Mike Sweeney quote”: “Every day is a gift; that’s why they call it ‘the present’!” And he says it with a straight face. I don’t know how anyone can say that with a straight face and mean it, but Sweeney does. And the training video used the line too, with the lady who was the hostess of the video adding, “This is my all-time favorite quote!” If I would have had to shit and piss, I probably would have shit and pissed myself. I’m glad I wasn’t drinking a soda or water when she said that, because I would have ruined my keyboard, along with my underwear. “Every day is a gift; that’s why they call it ‘the present’!” Hahahaha. Fuck that! Here’s the Fist Tickle Brick quote: “Every day is a flowing river of shit-filled piss. That’s why they call it ‘the flowing river of shit-filled piss current’!”

Well, I hope you have a pleasant day and weekend. It should be lovely, like all Fridays and weekends are. What a great time to be alive! Let me end this week’s final entry with two sports movie quotes, the first from “Hoosiers” and the second from “The Karate Kid”: I love you guys. You’re the best!


  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger eatmisery said…

    Well, aren't YOU a fucking ray of sunshine today!?

    It's good to see that you have a sense of humor when it comes to mandated exercises at work.

    I hate inspirational videos. They inspire me to sleep more or call in sick.

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger justrose said…

    what a great time to be alive!

    amen and hallelujah!

  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger alix said…

    eatmisery stole my comment, though i was going to write it:
    i believe the more accurate description is Ray of Fucking Sunshine.

    sometimes i watch wayne dyer just to torture myself into remembering how FUN my life really is.

  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think you've become even more cynical than you used to be.....amazing.

  • At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    fisty, you gotta get the fuck outta that shitty ass company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah i know there is a ton of bull shit everywhere in the world.... in ANY workplace... however... do the BSing on your own terms... not theirs. stupid a-holes. can you tell i hated that place, with a passion? -swirl-


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