How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Just Me Whining

Yesterday after work was a fucking headache. The plan was for me to go home, pick up the dogs and take them to my in-laws’ house, pick up my son, help clean the house, and then take him and my brother somewhere that wasn’t my house so my wife could host a jewelry party. Well, I left work and starting driving home. Over half way home, there was a detour. I took the detour, but there was no detour sign after the first one, so I had to guess where to turn. Well, my first two choices were wrong, but the third finally worked. So I got home, and my brother earlier found out that his van won’t start. So I tried to jump start it, but it didn’t work. My wife was home cleaning at that time, so I asked her to call a tow truck for Geek Brick and then I took the dogs to the in-laws. It took me about 15 minutes to drive a mile and a half on the road leading to the interstate, which was a real fucking blast. My dogs weren’t the biggest fans of that, but I’m just glad they don’t get motion sickness. I dropped the dogs off and then drove to pick up my kid. I got him, and he was all snotty. Literally, as he had a runny nose. He was still in a great mood like he almost always is. So I drove home from the babysitter, and it sucked. Normally, only the first three main routes home have been blocked off. Well yesterday, you can add routes four and five, which all were new this week. So I took number five, and the detour wasn’t noticeable until halfway down the path, and then it was a dead end. So I had to turn around, sit at a light for two and a half minutes with a slowly-beginning-to-get-fussy kid and then drive home. It took about twice as long as normal, but I guess the good news is that when I got home the cleaning was pretty much done. I got stuff ready to take him over to Mr. C.’s to feed him and let him fall asleep there, and the tow truck got there as I was getting all that ready. The truck left, we went over, and I was starting to feed him when I noticed that I didn’t have a sippy-cup for him. I tried to get him to drink from a cup, and then tried to see if he’d use a straw, but no luck. Eventually I just used the straw as a dropper, and that worked for a little bit until he decided that he just liked letting the milk drool from his mouth instead. Finally he finished, and then we played in the living room until he went to bed. But before he went to bed, he did the cutest little thing. He was staring, at a grape. It was great.

I don’t get how women can have their little jewelry parties, or Mary Kay parties, or food parties, or candle parties, or whatever. I don’t have a problem with them having them. Two of my sisters-in-law do them. But I just know that guys couldn’t get away with it. I also don’t know what guys would try to sell other guys. Tools, maybe? Fireworks? Alcohol would maybe work, but there are too many liquor laws that it would make it impossible. Maybe guns. But that would be a bad idea, because you’d have to have beer or wine since it’s a “party”, and that might cause some problems.

So my wife was the hostess of the jewelry party, and apparently the hostess gets free jewelry for hosting it. I did a lot to help her get ready for this, like help clean the house, get the dogs out, and watch my son. So my wife was thanking me, and she asked if I needed a new money clip. I don’t, but that was sweet of her to offer. I think that was probably the only thing in the catalog for men, or at least straight men. Or maybe just for me, since I don’t have an earring, I don’t wear necklaces, and I already have a watch which I usually only wear fall through spring anyway. So I told her I didn’t need the money clip, but thanks. I asked if they had anything else in there that I might want, and she said, “Probably not.” I then said, “Not even a cock ring?” She told me no, so I just sulked and went to bed. Sniff.

Well, have a great weekend. Toodles!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

There's Always Barber College!

Well, that was a pretty good game I went to yesterday. The Royals were down 5-0 in the sixth, against one of the best pitchers in baseball, and they came back to win 6-5 in 13 innings. My brother and I stayed till the end, and he had a great time as well. He took an awesome picture of Mike Sweeney’s second homer run, the three-run jack that tied the game at five. The game was pretty sweet, especially considering that the bullpen pitched seven scoreless innings against the best team in baseball. Even Shawn Camp, who I really want to call Shawn “Kemp” and I’m curious if he has a small collection of illegitimate kids too, pitched pretty well. All and all, it was a pretty great day. Great weather, got to hang with my bro, great game, and I wasn’t sitting at my desk. Not too shabby.

Last night after my son went to bed, my brother and I watched “Road House” on Spike TV. Neither of us had ever seen it before, but I’ve just heard so many people talk about how it’s such a “guy movie” and was fascinatingly bad that I had to watch it, especially since I don’t think I’m gay enough to watch “So You Think You Can Dance?” Not yet at least. Anyway, the movie was pretty horrible, and yet awfully entertaining. Patrick Swayze’s hair was pretty sweet, as was the entire bar of mullets. The acting was tremendously horrible. The dialogue was amongst the worst of all time. I think my favorite line was, “Pain don’t hurt!” And I think the ending (or at least the ending on TV) was about the stupidest ending to a movie ever. Ending a movie with the line, “A polar bear fell on me,” can probably never be topped. I’m only upset that it took me this long to see the movie. Now on my to-buy list are “H.O.T.S.” and “Road House”. Well, maybe just “H.O.T.S.”

Do you think that if they put in the effort to find Osama bin Laden that they have to find Natalee Holloway that they’d have found him two years ago or is it just me? I do hope they find them both alive, but I was just wondering that.

Oh yeah, I also find it funny (in a not-so-funny way) that the courts can get O.J. on pirating satellite TV but not on double murder. But he only pirated the satellite TV because he really loved it, right?

Well, that’s it for me today. Have a great one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

So Does Meat Make You Better Looking?

You never realize how great it is to sleep uninterrupted for seven hours on your own bed until you’ve gone over a week without having done so. I’m a whole new person. I call this new person Drake, and he’s a kid from the wrong side of the tracks but still has a heart of gold.

I’m taking the afternoon off so my brother and I can go to the Royals/White Sox game. The weather is supposed to be perfect. Mid-70s and sunny. And we have vouchers so that we can get the best available seats for free. I’m guessing that they’ll be pretty good ones too, as I don’t think they’re gonna have a sell-out today for a team 26 games under .500 playing a team 31 games over. Hell, these vouchers will probably let me coach third base. I couldn’t be nearly as bad as Dale Sveum is for the Red Sox.

If Carrie Underwood and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are really the world’s “Sexiest Vegetarians” (as they were named by PETA), then vegetarians really aren’t all that physically attractive.

Why couldn’t Silvia Johnson had raised her kid where I grew up? She would have been a “cool mom” in my town too, maybe even cooler than she was in Colorado. Damn my luck!

Well, another short one, but that’s all I got. Take it easy, kiddos!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

He's Not A Dork; He's My Brother. Well, Okay...He's Both.

‘Sup people? How’s it going today? That’s fantastic! Me, I’m doing pretty well, thanks. Yesterday my brother came in town, and he’ll be staying with us for a few days. Last night we had Beer Night, so he and I, along with Doncock, the Silent Assassin, Ron Mexico, Mr. C., and Lita Ford’s boyfriend, went to the Free State Brewery in Lawrence (we also stopped at the 75th Street Brewery in Lawrence as well). I had a lot of fun, which was expected with $1.75 pints of John Brown Ale and Prairie Pale Ale. I think my brother had fun too, even if he had to endure about three hours of Dungeons and Dragons questions from everyone else. You see, he goes by “Geekbrick” for a reason on this site (and it’s a self-given name). He’s a World Champion Dungeons and Dragons player. Literally. Apparently the dorks who play in D&D have many tournaments, including a World Championship held every year, and at least one year my brother won it. He’s apparently famous among the Dork community, actually having dorks ask him for his autograph on several occasions. The people who make the games and books go to him to work out glitches that the games might have. People pay for his travel expenses to have him help run tournaments and hang out with hundreds of dorks. They give him thousands of dollars in D&D books. I think if I were him, I’d go all around the country to D&D tourneys and hustle losers out of their pube mustache wax money. I’m pretty sure he could make a living off of that. The best thing about all this is that Geekbrick knows that D&D is chock full o’ dorks, and he would tell you that he’s a dork too. I’m not going to argue with him, although he’s not as big of a geek that you’d think the World Champion D&D player would be. At least I don’t think so. I might be wrong. We were trying to get him to create a villain in the next tournament he runs named Doncock, although he suggested that it might need to be called Dawn Cock, about a killer chicken that does his attacking in the morning. I think that would be pretty cool. We were also trying to talk him into having a Mexican villain (a bandito!) named Ron Mexico too. I’d love to read about the dorks’ battles against Dawn Cock and Ron Mexico in the D&D blogs. I bet you would too.

Do you think the producers of “I Want to Be a Hilton” stole their idea from Because I do.

Have a great day! Ta ta!!!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Quick Weekend Recap

Sorry, catching up at work after vacation isn’t that easy. At least not for me. The vacation was great. My son was awesome on all four flights we took, not really making much noise at all. We were really fortunate with that. The trip itself was a lot of fun, as my son got to meet his great-grandmother, a great-uncle, a couple of great aunts, and some cousins. I love the town where my wife’s grandma lives too, as it really reminds me of Wisconsin in the summer. Although there are less mosquitoes than in Wisconsin, which is helpful. We even went to a really good brewery and so-so brewpub while we were there, so my trip was definitely complete. My wife was very sweet about all that, so I had a great time as expected. I hope to go back every year.

Oh yeah, we played the game Catch Phrase late one night, which was a lot of fun with people I don’t know too well. Anyway, the highlight of the evening was the last word, which was “gratuity”. My wife’s aunt thought it was “gravity” and described it by talking about how when women get older their boobs sag because of it. It was pretty funny, and even funnier when she found out the word was actually “gratuity”. It’s an easy mistake though. Like confusing “tip” and “tit”.

I really don’t have much else to write now, especially since I’m trying to catch back up at work. I’ll try to have more stiff for you tomorrow. Love you.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I Don't Know Why A Hamburger Would Need To Be "Re-bunned"

I know you don’t really want to read about it, but holy shit am I fucking tired again! The in-laws’ dog woke us up with his howling this morning at 2:55 AM and 5:15 AM. My wife was none to happy about it. At the 5:15 AM instance, I thought she was going to murder the dog (not really, but she was pretty pissed). Although she did get a huge kick out of my sleep talking right before we got out of bed for the 2:55 AM wake-up howl, in which I apparently said, “We need to re-bun the hamburgers for my Uncle Tom.” I have no idea what that means, but my wife literally had tears in her eyes she was laughing so hard about that. She tried to keep asking me what I was dreaming about, although she wasn’t too successful since she couldn’t actually speak since she was laughing so hard. It didn’t matter though. I rarely remember my dreams anyway. Which is good, because they’re probably all gay.

I’m so thrilled about the new Supreme Court Justice Nominee being announced, because speculation is that the issue of abortion will once again become a huge national issue regarding him being confirmed. I’m not really pro-choice or pro-life. I’m just tired of the topic. People on both sides are so set on their opinions that they aren’t going to change them, so having a debate about it is pointless to me. They aren’t going to go anywhere with it, so why bother. I really just can’t freaking wait to hear people debate it now!

I don’t want to persuade any of you to believe in any one specific thing (except for the greatness that is “Surreal Life” and the shittiness that is Toby Keith), but if you want to know more about L. Ron Hubbard, the nutjob who invented Scientology, go to this link and you can read all about his wacky ideas and antics. Maybe afterwards you’ll want to jump on couches and proclaim your love of Katie Holmes too. Ya never know.

I won’t have another entry for the rest of the week, unless someone wants to write a guest entry for me (email me if so). I will be out of town in upstate New York in the Finger Lakes. I’m looking forward to it. The city where my grandmother-in-law lives is a charming little town that reminds me of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, except that the lake in NY is one of the cleanest lakes in the country. It should be a good time, as I always like visiting there. But I will not have any internet access, at least as far as I know. So not only will I be unable to post any new entries, but I will lose my 100% dedication/perfect attendance to the beer site where I was “Member of the Week”. How tragic! Anyway, I hope you can get by, and I will let you know all about my trip on Monday. Kisses!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I Don't Believe In Talking While Pooping

Hey, how’s it going? I’m extremely fucking tired. We’re watching my in-laws’ dog, and just like the previous times we watched him, he started barking at 4:15 AM this morning to get fed. After feeding him, I didn’t really fall back to sleep, and I’m quite tired now. But at least I didn’t murder the dog. I think I deserve some credit for that.

Does this make me a bad person? I was just taking a piss in the bathroom, and some guy was taking a shit and got a phone call. He took the call and once he said hello I started to try to stop pissing, just so that the urinal would flush (it’s an automatic flusher) and that the person he was talking to would know he was on the shitter. Instead, the guy bolted out of the bathroom, without washing his hands, before I could completely stop and let it flush. Where normally I think I would be a bad person for wanting to make it flush for the pooping talker, I think my thoughts were eventually justified with him not washing his hands. It’s like I knew.

So Debra Lafave is claiming insanity in her case of having sex with a 14-year-old student. Where were the hot, crazy teachers when I was in school? I feel like my high school life was definitely lacking more so now. It’s not fair.

I debated putting this paragraph on the site, but here it goes. There is a movie coming out about a famous joke called “The Aristocrats”. It’s allegedly one of the dirtiest jokes around, and AMC Theatres have banned it from being shown on their screens. It is pretty filthy. Anyway, if any of you are interested, here is a link to that joke, as told by Cartman (warning: this isn’t “work-friendly, so use headphones or turn down your speakers): South Park “The Aristocrats Joke”. Enjoy, and have a great day.

Monday, July 18, 2005


First of all, thanks Mr. C. for writing a guest entry for me on Friday. I loved it. Anyway, my weekend was so-so. Friday night we just stayed in and watched the first part of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. Also, we got our new fridge, which is pretty awesome, as far as refrigerators go. Although I was pretty pissed off on Friday night as I thought that the old fridge that we moved to the garage was broken after we moved it, as the stuff in it wasn’t cold three hours after I put them in as I checked before going to bed.. The reason it wasn’t cold was because I took out all of the stuff in it and transferred it to the new inside one, and I had put in it a warm case of water, a couple of cases of warm soda, and some warm beer, which took a few minutes to do. So what was a cold fridge was now warm after having the door open to it for close to 30 minutes in a hot garage, and I was pissed. Before I went to bed I said to my wife, “I’m going to be really pissed if the fridge is still warm in the morning,” to which she replied, “Why don’t you just be really pissed now? Because it’s broken!” Thanks, darlin’. That helps. You’re so sweet sometimes. Anyway, Saturday morning the fridge and its contents were cold, and I made sure to point that out to the wife. Don’t tell me to be pissed for no reason! I can do that on my own.

Saturday was okay too. I woke up and played with the boy, worked out, showered, and went to work at the stadium. The game was pretty good for the first half, as there were five goals scored, which has to be some sort of record for soccer. There wasn’t any scoring in the second half, but the game was still okay. After the game we went to the bar to sing some karaoke, and that was fun. More people showed up than I thought would, so we had a decent sized group. Doncock sang “Whoop! There it is!”, Timmy sang, “Brown-Eyed Girl”, KG sang a couple of songs, including “Just a Gigolo/I Ain’t Got Nobody”, and Ron Mexico and I sang “Semi-Charmed Life”. Unfortunately, Lita didn’t sing “Linger” again, but it was still a good time.

Yesterday happened, but really nothing interesting to write about. A trip to the pool was the highlight.

After watching “Celebrity Fit Club 2” last night, I must say that Gary Busey is a “NUT”: Nonsense Uttering Tool. That joke is funnier (or maybe I should just say is mildly funny) if you saw the first show. Crunchamatics!!!!!

Well, I guess I need to get back to work. Have a great week.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Guest Entry: Mr. C.

Hi pals. I forgot to wish my bro, Geek Brick a Happy Birthday on my blog yesterday, so sorry about that bro. I did try to call him and email him, plus we sent him something, so it’s not like I’m a complete dick. Only about a three-quarters dick. Well, the new fridge was delivered, and it’s a beauty. Unfortunately, the waterline going into it doesn’t work so well, but my good pal Mr. C. said he’d help me fix ‘er up next week. What a swell guy! Anyway, the delivery went well, but I didn’t know if I was supposed to tip the guys or not. I didn’t, but I did give them each a Coke and a bottle of water. I hope that doesn’t make me a dick. Plus, I only had $5 on me, and that would be almost worthless to them. Or just worth $5.

Anyway, speaking of (well, actually writing of) Mr. C., he wrote a nice little blog for me since I knew I was going to be late today and he had a funny Scientology story. So here it goes, my first ever Fist Tickle Brick guest entry. Enjoy!

Hey Kids, it’s Mr. C here with a fill-in blog for my pal Fisty. Fisty and I were talking about how fucked up Tom Cruise is yesterday and I asked him if he had heard about the time I was almost brainwashed by some crazy ass scientologist. He said “No” and so I proceeded to tell him my tale of odd happenings. I will do the same for you here:

So I had just started Chiropractic School and thought that it would be a great idea for me to get a part-time job at a Chiropractor’s office to see how they go about their everyday routine and maybe pick up some helpful pointers along the way. I roll up to this office one evening and inform the lady behind the desk that I would like to speak to the Doctor about a possible part-time job. I have a seat, and wait for a bit. All of a sudden out strolls an Oompa-Loompa informing me that he is the doctor, and my first reaction was Holy FUCK! And I would guess that would be the case for most people, last person you would have expected to see was a make-upless Oompa-Loompa. Anyway, he chit chats with me a bit. I felt uneasy from the get go, and not because he’s small and talks with a lisp, but because he was interested in me taking a few pages out of the phone book and making cold calls trying to get people to come into his office for a “free consultation”. I was way less than enthusiastic about that, but thought what the hell. He also tells me that he would like me to take a test and that he would call me with all the details as to when and where this was to take place. I get the call, I take the long and bizarre test and then a week later I’m supposed to meet with “these people”, a.k.a. scientologist brainwashing freaks. I go in and sit down in this room with no windows and in walks this hippie looking chick with her long, frizzy, straw-like hair and dirty looking tank top. She proceeds to tell me that my test scores are troubling to her. I was like, “Um ok, what’s the issue?” She tells me that from what they could tell was that I was a very negative soul, but with their help and course work I could change that negativity. I was stunned. Me? A negative soul? Well then I started to think they were full of shit (I know you’re thinking wow he is negative). They told me that for $100 here and $100 there and a few more dollars for this leaflet and a couple hundred for a book and with 100 hours of course work I could be on my way to enlightenment. After that sales pitch I positively knew they were full of shit. I was like yeah, probably not my sweet crunchy granola bar. I should of told her for that much money I could be tanked and in a great freaking mood for a month, but instead I simply told my brainwashed hippie gal that all I wanted was a part-time job at a chiropractors office so I could learn how it operates, and that I think I have learned now, how not to run one. I stood up and got the hell out of there before they locked me in that room and hooked me up to their brainwashing machine (which I think was in the corner of the room under a black sheet). I also felt like finding that little Oompa-Loompa fucker and kicking him in his tiny little Chiropractor bean sack for wasting my time. It was truly a fucked up experience.

I hope every one of you has a fantastic weekend, I know I will. I get to hang out with some relative from the homeland, Slovakia. This is their last weekend here in the states and I have promised them some of my yummy BBQ before they go. Love to all!!!!!

Mr. C

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Cooter. Tee Hee!

Hi. As you can see, the polls are gone.

"Should I keep these polls on the site?"

Yes it's the best part of the blog ***** 20% (5 Votes)
Sure, I can deal with the pop-ups. ***** 20% (5 Votes)
I don't care you piece of shit! *** 12% (3 Votes)
Lose it. It's not worth the pop-ups ************ 48% (12 Votes)
Total of 25 votes

I have Yahoo! Pop-Up Blocker and Google’s pop-up blocker as well, so I didn’t know that there were any pop-up ads at all. So I apologize for that. Anyway, I’m hope you’re happy now. Jerks.

Last night at volleyball was weird. We played against a good team and went one and two, and then we played a bad team and also went one and two. The second series was especially frustrating since we won the first game 15-1, and then lost the last two by a decent margin both games. Oh well, we all had fun, I guess. AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The title of this article makes me giggle. I thought Paris Hilton was “TV’s Crazy Cooter”. Oh wait; nevermind. She’s TV’s “Bitchy Cunt”. My bad.

Tomorrow I might not have an entry as we’re getting our new refrigerator delivered in the morning, and I might not get to work until close to 11 AM. But we’re getting a new refrigerator! Isn’t that exciting? Since the beer/soda fridge in the car-hole broke, we decided to get a new one for the house and move our kitchen fridge to the car-hole. It’s a pretty nice one, although not as cool as the kegerator they had would have been. It even cost less than the one we got by a couple hundred bucks, by the wife put a stop to that thought really quick. Sniff. I would have been the coolest guy on the block, but instead I’m still the neighborhood jackass. Same old, same old.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Cram It, Kenosha!!!

So the town I live and work in was listed in “Money Magazine” as the 30th Best Place to Live in the country. Not too shabby. In fact, if it was a list of towns with over 100,000 people, it’d be number three. But actually, I’m kinda pissed that it was only number 30 (or three). I mean, Naperville, IL? You kidding me? That’s a town founded by cat rapists that still consists of 73% cat rapists (Note: The other 27% are sheep rapists). And Gaithersburg, MD? What?!?!? That’s where Hitler and Stalin grew up! Saddam was looking for a place there before he settled on that hole. Bullshit! But I guess number 30 is pretty good. I mean, we kicked Lee’s Summit, MO’s ass!!! Holla!!! Hey Rochester, MI and Rochester, MN, we’ve got you beat by nine and 43 spots, respectively, so suck it!!! Riverton, UT! We’re twice as good as your dumb asses, so lick my ballsack! Hahahaha!!! Fucking losers!!!

One interesting thing about the ”Money Magazine” list is that it listed Chicago as the “nearest city” to Cedar Rapids, IA. So maybe Rob Deer was right when he told people that he’s from Chicago since he’s from Moline. I mean it’s only two and a half hours away. So it’s practically a suburb.

Holy crap was the ”Andy Milonakis Show” fucking hilarious. I only saw the first episode, but holy shit was it funny. Most of you probably won’t like it, but I thought it was great.

What do you think is more embarrassing to Tom Sizemore? The fact that he’s going into rehab again for drug problems or the fact that he used to date Heidi Fleiss? I’m going with the latter.

Four weeks from today Timmy, me, and hopefully Mr. C. will be heading out on our Beer Trip ’05. I don’t really have more to say on that other than I’m pretty pumped up about it. Anyway, have a great day. Or at least not a shitty one.

Last Poll Question Results

"Who is the worst ESPN personality?"

Chris Berman *** 11% (3 Votes)
Stuart Scott ******* 26% (7 Votes)
Dick Vitale *** 11% (3 Votes)
Lee Corso ** 7% (2 Votes)
I don't know who these people are. ****** 23% (6 Votes)
Other (please put in comments) ***** 19% (5 Votes)
Total of 26 votes

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

At Least She Didn't Go Back To Brian Austin Green

Day Two of the new building. I drove a different route here today, and that was a mistake. Took about 25 minutes, where yesterday’s route took about 20, and that’s with me making two mistakes. I think I’ll be able to get the route to about 15 minutes, which won’t be so bad. Also, it was Day One of my attempt to wake up at 6 AM to work out in the morning, as I’ve really got to get back into shape. I even worked out last night too, and will tonight as well. I told my Beer Trip pal Timmy that I was going to work out at least 20 minutes everyday on my elliptical trainer until our trip (when I'm not out of town, that is), and I will. Plus “Celebrity Fit Club 2” has gotten me pumped as well. I’m hoping to drop ten before my trip, and I think I can do it.

I’m glad Tiffini-Amber Thiessen was finally able to get over me since I got married as she got married herself. Congrats, Dollface. We had good times, but I’m glad you’re now able to move on.

Sometimes when I have a problem, I think to myself, “What would Jiminy Christmas do?”

I watched part of the Home Run Derby last night, and Just Rose’s roommate Bobby Abreu won. When he was hitting in the first round, it was pretty captivating, as he hit 24 home runs when the previous record was 15. But even that was getting a little annoying as has-been Chris Berman kept saying his tired, unfunny, boring “Back, back, back!” comment over and over and fucking over again. That, along with his stupid fucking nicknames that don’t even make sense, are really annoying me. Last night he referred to the Texas first baseman whose last name is pronounced “Tay-Share-Uh” as “Mark ‘Don’t Mess With’ Teixeira! It wouldn’t have been funny if his last name was pronounced “Tex-Air-Uh”, and it’s even stupider since it doesn’t. But at least he has sweet hair with that dead possum on his head.

The first episode of “Surreal Life 5” was pretty good, but it looks like this season is going to be really, really good. I won’t get too into it after the first episode, although I know that Bronson Pinchot will not be the Erik Estrada/Dave Coulier of this season, that’s for sure. Dude’s more like Ron Jeremy than anyone else who’s ever been on the show. Good casting.

Well, that’s it. These will be shorter from now on I think, so I hope that’s okay. I know it is for most of you anyway. Toodles!

Last Poll Question Results

"Who would be the coolest guy to say was your dad?"

Jake "The Snake" Roberts ** 11% (2 Votes)
Bill Clinton *** 17% (3 Votes)
George Clooney * 5% (1 Votes)
Tommy Lee 0% (0 Votes)
Michael Jordan ********* 52% (9 Votes)
Other (please put in comments) ** 11% (2 Votes)

Total of 17 votes

Monday, July 11, 2005

Andre The Giant Would Be Cool Too

I’ll do this quick. First of all, happy birthday to my mom. I love ya! You’re the best! Secondly, I’ve finally seemed to settle in at my new office for work. I’m already a little bummed because I can’t pick up the sports talk AM stations or the best FM station at my desk. Other than that, I at least have a bigger cube, although I don’t really need all the space. Most of my friends are still at the old building, but I guess I’ll get by. No one wants to hear me complain about something so small and stupid as a work move anyway.

I went to an after-work happy hour on Friday for Rob Deer’s birthday at Old Chicago. Good enough time, but one thing was the most interesting to me. The waitress apparently is the daughter of Jake “The Snake” Roberts. You know, the WWF guy from the 1980s who gave his opponents the DDT and then let his snake Damian crawl all over them. Anyway, I found this to be absolutely fascinating. Every time that she came to the table, I yelled, “From Stone Mountain, Georgia!!!” And it got me to thinking, who do you think would be the coolest guy to tell other people that he was your dad? I think Jake “The Snake” would be at the top of the list. I mean, it’d be cool to have Michael Jordan as your dad, but people would always expect you to be an awesome basketball player because your dad was, even if you were a girl. Plus they’d probably want some money. That would kinda suck. A famous politician like Bill Clinton or Dubya would also be sorta cool, but some times it would suck because around half of the people would think he was an asshole. George Clooney’d be a cool dad, but the chicks you’d date would probably rather fuck him than you, and if you were a girl, all your girlfriends would probably want to do him. Ditto for a rock star. But with Jake “The Snake”, I don’t think people are going to expect you to be a future ‘Rassler! And he wasn’t really the most handsome of guys. So regardless of whether or not this guy would be the coolest or best dad, I think the coolest one to tell people that he was your dad might be Jake “The Snake”. At least that’s my opinion.


Last Poll Question Results

"Is Angelina Jolie someone you'd date (if you were male & straight)?"

Yes, she is fucking hot! ********* 45% (9 Votes)
Maybe. She might be too odd for me ***** 25% (5 Votes)
No way! She had sex with Billy Bob! ***** 25% (5 Votes)
I can't answer this b/c I'm no fun. * 5% (1 Votes)
Total of 20 votes

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Movin' Out!

This will be my last entry for a little bit. I won’t be in the office tomorrow as I’m moving to a new building. Which I’m not too pleased about, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll be sitting in the middle of a lot of new people, as opposed to sitting sort of off to the side now, and I’m not so certain about the future of this site, but I will do my best to continue it. I love writing for you guys, but I don’t really want to lose my job over this. I’d rather lose it taking a crap on someone-I-hate’s desk. Anyway, I will try to write something on Monday, but Tuesday is more likely to happen.

I think the best thing (possibly only good thing) about being a porn star would be that you’d never wake up in the morning wondering if you were gonna get laid each day. Because you’d know each day that you would, even if it’s in front of a dozen other people and will be watched soon by several thousand. That’d help a little bit to overcome the shame and humiliation of actually being a porn star. Well, that and all the coke that you’d have to do.

Yesterday, I read the entire cover story article in “Sports Illustrated” about Michael Vick, and the words “Ron” and “Mexico” did not appear once in it. I would have to say that that was the worst article I’ve ever read. Whoever wrote that article should be fired.

I think I might have thought Angelina Jolie was hottest/coolest/sweetest celebrity in the world if it weren’t for her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton. Adopting an AIDS-infected, Ethiopian orphan is pretty amazing to me. She is quite the humanitarian, with that and all her work with the U.N. But still, the whole wearing-a-vile-of-Billy-Bob’s-blood-around-the-neck thing creeps me out.

Well, you have a great rest of your week and weekend. Oh, and Happy Birthday to Rob Deer too. Maybe this year you can beat your girlfriend at bowling. Eh, probably not.

Last poll question results:

"What musical question do you wish you knew the answer to?"

How deep is your love? **** 21% (4 Votes)

How do you talk to an angel? ***** 26% (5 Votes)

What's love got to do with it? ***** 26% (5 Votes)

What's the story morning glory? *** 15% (3 Votes)

Where did our love go? * 5% (1 Votes)

Other (please put in comments) * 5% (1 Votes)

Total of 19 votes

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

My Summer Vacation

Whenever I come back to work after a vacation, it almost seems like it’s not worth taking the vacation. I was gone for two and a half “work days”, but it seems like it takes at least two hours per day gone to catch up (even with someone backing me up), and yesterday was just a clusterfuck of a day. So a million apologies for not posting yesterday. So what have I been up to?

We left on Thursday to fly to Nashville, where we were going to get a rental car and then drive the two and a half hours to Knoxville. Unfortunately, the flight to Nashville had two problems. First of all, it was a full flight, so we weren’t able to have a spare seat for the boy and his car seat. So he hopped from my lap to my wife’s lap for most of the flight, only sleeping for about a half hour. Also, the flight was delayed about an hour and a half due to lightning. Normally, I don’t get too annoyed by flight delays, as there really isn’t anything the airlines can do about it. But what is annoying is having the delay while on the plane, and then seeing my luggage outside getting rained on since it’s too dangerous for them to load it on the plane. There’s nothing quite as comforting as landing an hour and a half late and then getting wet suitcases. We did have some good fortune though. We sat next to a really nice lady from Jacksonville who was great with our son and was just a great person in general. She even asked if she could hold him at one point, and he gave her a big hug. Another great thing was that my son was awesome on the plane, never crying and only once or twice making a noise that might have been a little loud. But it was nothing louder than like a sneeze. So that was awesome, because the only thing worse than sitting on a plane with a crying baby is being the parent of that crying baby and knowing that every other person on that plane hates you.

Tennessee was pretty good. I got to hang out with my family, and we spent a lot of time in the pool. I actually had a really good time, as did the rest of the fam. We went to a bar where my brother’s radio station had a remote, and they had cheep drinks. $10.50 for a Straw-tini, a white zinfandel, and a draw of the local brewery’s Hefeweisen. Not too shabby. Besides that, my parents grilled out a lot, and we just hung out. We did have lunch at one brewery, where my son proceeded to scream really loud about ten times. But I’ll take that in a non-crowded brewpub as opposed to an airplane. All in all, it was a great trip. We’ll have to go back soon.

Oh yeah, since you people really care a lot about my opinions on beer, on my trip I had one of the worst two or three beers I’ve ever had, and also had one of the best two or three best beers I’ve ever had. The New Knoxville Brewing Company’s Traditional Pale Ale was so bad, that it made me not want to go visit the brewery. I didn’t visit it, and I actually poured out about three-fourths of it down the drain. It was popcorn beer bad. But the beer that I was pretty pumped up for was Dogfish Head’s 60 Minute I.P.A. I actually drove around trying to find it, as they don’t sell it in Kansas. Eventually I found it, and it was awesome. Well worth the search. I really hope I can score some when I go to upstate New York in two weeks.

Oh, in response to “Tennessee Resident” stating that country music in Tennessee is just a stereotype, I have to disagree wholeheartedly. At least compared to every other place I’ve been in the U.S. The bar we went to was a dance club. So you’d expect to hear dance club type music (which sucks nearly equally to country). Instead, they played Jimmy Buffet. I can handle Buffet, but he is country and it was a little strange for the bar we were at. Also, stores play country music over their loudspeakers. At Target, Steinmart, and even the liquor store, country music was played. Everywhere else it’s usually 80s pop or the easy listening station, but it was country, at least the three places I went to. And not to mention the frequency of country radio stations (although there were some pretty good non-country stations), the airport displays with country music “stars”, and the big amusement park being called “Dollywood” after Dolly Parton. Listen, I get it. Everyone can like whatever music they like, and that’s fine with me. I just don’t happen to like country music. I can tolerate it, for the most part. But it’s not good. Anyway, the country music stereotype is pretty fitting. Don’t take it as a criticism of your state. I’m only saying it as a matter of fact. At least to me.

One thing about the trip made me most proud. Well, at least next to how great my son was on both flights. But at the airport, I decided to prepay for gas at $1.91 a gallon and bring the car back empty. Well first of all, the gas prices outside were all over $2 a gallon. And most importantly, as I pulled off the highway to go into the airport to return the car, the “Low Fuel” light came on. I didn’t once stop to fill up with gas. Fuck yeah, bee-yotches!!! I actually made a good decision! Atta boy, Fisty!!! Oh yeah, it was also pretty cool that the car I drove was a 2005 Toyota Camry with eight miles on it. If you’re looking for a new car, I’d recommend the Camry. Drives smooth like a Ken doll’s package.

Well, I’ve got to get back to work. If I’ve forgotten or left out anything, or if you have any questions, just ask. I’ll probably just give you some smart ass response, but ya never know. You might learn something before it’s all through. Hey! Hey! Hey!

"What would Brian Boitano do if he were here right now?"

He'd make a plan & he'd follow thru *** 16% (3 Votes)
He'd kick some serious ass ***** 27% (5 Votes)
He'd win a gold medal * 5% (1 Votes)
He'd look for some cock ******* 38% (7 Votes)
Other (please comment) ** 11% (2 Votes)
Total of 18 votes