How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Don't Mess With Tennessee!!!

This will be my last entry for a few days, as I’m going to see my parents in Tennessee. I’m actually really excited about it. But apparently I need to be really clear about this. I don’t really have a problem with Tennessee. It’s fine. It’s just like almost every other place in the United States. It’s really not much different from Wisconsin, Kansas, or upstate New York. I don’t know anyone in Tennessee besides my family, and I like them a lot. Maybe Tennessee isn’t as exciting to me as Wisconsin used to be, since my friends and the Brewers were there, but that’s probably the only major difference. So while visiting Tennessee might not sound as exciting as my beer trip or Las Vegas, hanging out with my parents and family there is something I’m looking forward to. I just want to make that clear…

Fist Tickle Brick: Are we clear?
You, the reader: Yes, sir?
Fist Tickle Brick: ARE WE CLEAR?!?!?!?
You, the reader: Crystal, FTB.
Fist Tickle Brick: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
You, the reader: Huh?
Fist Tickle Brick: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
You, the reader: What the fuck are you talking about? That doesn’t make any sense.
Fist Tickle Brick: You’re a lousy fucking softball player, reader!!!
You, the reader: Oh, I get it. You’re just using quotes from “A Few Good Men” thinking you’re funny, when in fact you’re not using them in the right spots and you sound like a fucking idiot.
Fist Tickle Brick (sheepishly): Um…uh…hmm…if you haven't gotten a blowjob from a superior officer, you're just letting an opportunity pass you by.
You, the reader: You’re a fucking douchebag!

You know, I think that 90% of the time PETA is fucking insane (wanting the Green Bay Packers to change their name to the “Green Bay Pickle Packers”, protesting the winners of the Indianapolis 500 for drinking milk, etc.), but I do have to give them credit for one thing: they have the best protesters in the world. You gotta love the naked protesters or the nude chicks that are painted like tigers and are crawling in cages. I’m pretty sure that’s why my friend King D joined PETA. And I have to say, that’s not a bad reason.

Well, that’s all I have, as I’m working a half day today and need to get my shit done before I leave today. You have a great holiday. I’m pretty sure I will.

Last Poll Question Results

"Of all the people that Fist Tickle Brick hates, who do you like most?"

Jim Belushi ***** 19% (5 Votes)
Toby Keith ** 7% (2 Votes)
Ashlee Simpson *** 11% (3 Votes)
Donald Trump **** 15% (4 Votes)
I like them all. * 3% (1 Votes)
I hate them all too. *********** 42% (11 Votes)
Total of 26 votes

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I Wonder If Fonzie Was On Caffeine Pills Too

Today should be a great day. Why do I think that, you ask? Well, because this morning at 6:30 AM on TBS was the “Saved by the Bell” episode where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills. Awesome drama. And then, at 7 AM on WGN, they showed the “Happy Days” episode where Fonzie jumped the shark. I almost pissed myself during the commercial break when Fonzie was about to hit the ramp (luckily, he made it and said, “AAAAHHHHHHH!!!”). The only thing I was missing was the “Facts of Life” episode where Natalie lost her virginity to Snake. But then it’d be too perfect.

So apparently Avril Lavigne is engaged to the lead singer of Sum 41, Deryck Whibley. Good for those wacky Canadians. And while I want to wish for nothing but the best for them, part of me thinks that the only reason Whibley proposed is because his ex-skank girlfriend Paris Hilton recently got engaged. I know, “You’re always the skeptic, FTB!” you say. I’m just worried about Avril, that’s all. I don’t want her to get too hurt to where she still can’t go buy her vintage t-shirts with old punk bands or zany sayings on them that show how “punk” she is. Because that would really suck.

I would normally think that Tom Cruise should marry Paula Abdul, but I’ve reconsidered. Because imagine if they had a kid together (try hard to imagine, as I know that it’s unlikely that Cruise would since he’s allegedly gay). I mean, that kid would probably be some sort of super-powered crazy freak, crazier than either Cruise or Abdul. He’d just be some pure-bread crazy fucker, and that would probably bring the apocalypse. I’m just concerned about the world, that’s all.

Well, I decided to try and add a poll to today’s entry. I am trying to figure to put it on the site permanently, but I don't know if it'll work. I hope it'll be okay for you, because I really care about you assholes a lot.

Monday, June 27, 2005

An Oldie, But A Baddie

Here is an excerpt from an entry from my old site that a few people have asked me to repost since my old site is locked. Enjoy:

The other night the bug zapper was really zapping and I was bored, so I thought I’d go for a drive. It was really warm and humid outside, and my a/c wasn’t working, so I thought I’d go see my friend Karl who had central air since I was so getting really hot. Karl was watching “Who’s the Boss?” starring Tony Danza when I got to his apartment. He was searching for a tea bag while making his own rim-shot sound after every punchline from the show. Well, I didn’t really want to watch the show and he was annoying me, acting like a real donkey. Punch was on the table, but he didn’t even offer me any. So I thought that I’d take my car to the Kansas City Car Wash since the Chemlawn guy got it all dirty. Sanchez was the guy’s name who worked there, at least according to his name tag. He was a Harry Houdini looking guy with a huge tattoo of an angry dragon, and I quickly left after doing that. By the way, does anyone else thing that a car wash’s brushes look like a frothy walrus when they go over your windshield during the car wash? I do. I know that I mentioned before how bad radio is here in Kansas. Pink, Britney Spears, and other skanks dominate the airwaves, so I put in a CD of rusty trombone music instead. I was driving down the Bourneville Boulevard when I started getting hungry. I had a lot of choices that I could get, like chicken from the Colonel, Angus hamburgers from Burger King, Nutty Bars from the 7-Eleven, but I just decided that it was better to just get something from the dirty Taco Bell around the corner and head home since I was really tired.

Fisty And Caddylac: Hoo-Ha Cleaners

First of all, thanks to Just Rose for making me a banner for my website. That was sweet of you. My weekend was pretty good. On Friday night we went over to our friends’ house for a birthday party, and we had a pretty good time. The in-laws watched the boy all night, so we were able to stay out later than normal. On Saturday, we went to the pool and then I had to work at night at the stadium. Then yesterday, we went shopping for birthday presents and then went back to the pool at night and met some friends there. All in all, a good weekend.

Happy Birthday a couple days late, Boot! Welcome to the 30-plus club!

This Thursday we are leaving to go to visit my parents in Tennessee for the long weekend, which is about time since I haven’t seen their house since they moved to Knoxville a year and a half ago. I love my parents, but I’m not the biggest fan of Tennessee, although most of my experience has been in Chattanooga. The main thing is that I just don’t really fit in there that much. I don’t like country music. I don’t love Peyton Manning. And I don’t use the N-word ever or use the phrase “That was awfully white of you” when a stranger holds a door open for me. I know, I know, I’m the odd-ball.

Just to prove to you all how stupid I am, here’s an actual transcript of a conversation via instant messaging that Caddylac and I just had.

Caddylac: That’s cool to have good in-laws.
Me: I lucked out there. Although I get along with most people anyway
Caddylac: Except me.
Me: Yeah, you and me are like nitro and glycerin…vinegar and water…Mike Sweeney and Jeff Weaver
Caddylac: We're douches? Oil and water maybe...but vinegar and water?
Me: Hahahaha…I'm retarded.
Caddylac: That's ok...
Me: I'm an idiot
Caddylac: All of a sudden together we help stinky snatches get clean.
Me: Individually, we are helpless. Together, we can clean the nastiest of vaginas

Yeah, I try to be funny and sound stupid, and I actually end up looking even stupider than I intended. I is dumm.

Well, since I am so stupid, I will risk writing anything else. To protect my family. Bye.

Friday, June 24, 2005

I was trying to be funny one day, and I spiked my son's hair. Posted by Hello

True Stories Of The OB/GYN Office

Yesterday was quite the eventful day. First of all, my company announced its new name, to take place after its merger with another company is finalized. They had a big announcement at work which they broadcasted to all the employees, and it was pretty remarkable. For sake of me not getting fired, let’s just say that my company’s name is “Run”. And also for not-losing-my-job purposes, let’s say that the company Run is merging with is called “Afterel”. Drum roll, please. So the new name of my company is going to be…….Run Afterel!!! How fucking creative is that!!! They actually played Republica’s “Ready to Go” (“On the rooftop! /Shout it out! /Baby, I’m ready to go!”) while the dorks in the crowd were waving pom-poms. Seriously. They had pom-poms. They also unveiled the new logo, which looks like something one of my diggity dogs puked up. And the little broadcast they did was terrible. I’m actually embarrassed to be working here right now. First of all, they had the two biggest dorks in the world as “hosts/interviewers”. They both were very obviously reading their lines off of teleprompters, and both had the on-screen charisma of a ten year hostage victim. They made Billy Bush’s pre-Oscar interviews seem Letterman-esque. The guy kept saying “Awesome!” like that guy in the Geico commercial where the newlyweds move into the small house. “The logo is awesome! Awesome new name!” It’s not even a new name! It’s like one of those militant feminist married name changes, without the hyphen. The last part of the broadcast was when the chick host said her last name and “Out!” like Seacrest (or more fitting, a “Jim Rome Show” caller). So I’m not saying I’m looking for a new job, but if anyone knows of a less embarrassing company to work for, like a porn film company or dildo manufacturer, please let me know.

Last night was Beer Night. There were only four of us, but it was okay. Not nearly as fun as the last time we went to the High Noon Saloon in Leavenworth, but it was still fun. Especially when the extremely drunk chick (and I mean drunker than I was on Opening Day) started groping Timmy and then later was kissing Caddylac’s hand and begging him to hug her. Doncock said he was pretty sure that the girl was retarded (literally), while I now just think she started doing Bacardi 151 shots at about 3 PM. Caddylac actually had to catch her twice from falling off her barstool. During the evening, I sang the Boomtown Rats’ “I Don’t Like Mondays”, which was a failure. I think I actually sang it okay, but it’s just not a good karaoke song. Now if I sang that on “American Idol”, it would have killed. The evening ended with Doncock singing “Pussy Control”, which brought down the house and brought the skanks onto the dance floor. Prince ain’t got nuttin’ on Doncock!

My wife is a nurse at an OB/GYN doctor’s office. About two and a half months ago, she had a patient come in with a list of questions. A list of 69 questions! Really. I’ve been trying for those two and a half months to have my wife bring that list (don’t worry; it doesn’t have the patient’s name anywhere on it). Although some of the questions are valid ones like taking certain medications, most of them were ridiculously funny. I have obtained a copy of this list from an unnamed source, and I will give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind that this woman had another child two years ago:

3) Is it safe to be around computers all day when I’m pregnant?
13) Is it safe to drink tap water when I’m pregnant? (Fist Tickle Brick: Just not in Mexico.)
16) Is it safe to eat any deli meats?
17) Is it safe to receive a/an manicure or pedicure while I’m pregnant? (FTB: She really typed the “a/an” part.)
22) Is it safe to have sex when I’m pregnant? (FTB: That I understand a little.) Anal? (FTB: Huh?)
27) Is it safe to swim in a chlorinated pool during pregnancy?
28) Is it safe to swallow semen during pregnancy? (FTB: Keep in mind, this is a real typed-out list, handed to a doctor during a visit. How he could keep a straight face is beyond me.)
29) Is it safe to ride the bumper cars at the amusement park when I’m pregnant? (FTB: Not at the amusement park, but you can at the County Fair.)
30) Is it safe to sit in a hot tub while I’m pregnant?
33) Is it safe to sleep with an electric blanket during pregnancy?
44) Is it safe to use a dildo during pregnancy?
48) Is it safe to use a photo copier for more than a few minutes when I’m pregnant?
49) Is it safe to use a vibrating chair during pregnancy? (FTB: I feel like this question was a set-up for the next one.)
50) Is it safe to use a/an vibrator? (FTB: If this question wasn’t funny by itself, she again added the “a/an” part.)
51) Is it safe to use a water-based lubricant during sex when I’m pregnant?
54) Is it safe to use my microwave oven during pregnancy and what if I accidentally stand in front of it?
55) Is it safe to wear high heels when I’m pregnant? (FTB: Not if you’re a klutz.)
57) Can I keep shaving everywhere as long as I can reach the places o.k.?
58) Can I eat late at night/early morning?
60) (FTB: My personal favorite question.) How am I ever going to tell for sure who the father really is? (FTB: I just laughed out loud to that again.)
63) I really would like this baby well is there anything that I can do or not do or take or not take? (FTB: Just an English course or two.)
64) I am a true clutz, always falling down on myself and having accidents…really do not want anything bad to happen to this baby…any suggestions? (FTB to the lady: “Re-read my answer to question 55.”)
65) Not real sure if I’m even in love with who I think is the father of this baby? (FTB: Keep in mind that this is an OB/GYN office, not a shrink’s.)
66) Now that I am older, I am so terrified of being a parent all over again? (FTB: Yes, she really did put a question mark at the end.) Things, rules, whatever are so much different know (sic) than what they used to be like before when I had my other two. I’m still raising two children and they have no clue about all of this. How am I going to tell them about all this…without sudden shock syndrome? (FTB: I started to sort of feel sorry for her, but tears came to my eyes after laughing when I saw the “sudden shock syndrome” part. There’s really nothing more for me to add to this entry. Have a great weekend.)

Thursday, June 23, 2005

"I'm Going To Steal Your Girlfriend!!!"

Wow, I was able to add a picture to the site. I’ve been having lots of problems with it, but now that that worked, I might try to add more.

Here’s something pretty embarrassing. Check out the “Member of the Week”. Yep, that’s me. Not something I’m too proud of, but it is funny. Especially the “Perfect Attendance” comment, which means that I check the page out at least once a day. So if there was any doubt about how big of a dork I am, that should now be completely removed.

You know, they have lists for everything in the world of pop culture. Best Quotes, Best Sitcoms, etc. The other day I saw on TV Land that they had a list of the “Top 10 Nerds/Geeks of All-Time” (number one was Horshack, followed by Urkel and Screech). You know what do they need a list of? The best recurring guest characters in a sitcom. Like they could have Mr. Tuttle from “Saved by the Bell” and even Tom Hanks when he was the criminal brother on “Family Ties”. But who’s the best of all-time? It would have to be Henri from “Cheers”. “Cheers” was one of the most popular shows ever, and I used to love it. But when I see it now, it’s not nearly as funny as it was 10-15 years ago. Except the episodes with Henri trying to steal Woody’s girlfriend, Kelly. I saw one the other day, and it’s still hilarious. So let it be said that Henri is the greatest recurring guest character of all-time! Or at least according to me. Cheers to you, Anthony Cistaro!

This is the picture I got for Doncock. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

They Call Me Mister Brick!!!!!

When my wife was in Mexico, she proved to be a great friend to her friend who lived down there. She also proved to be a sweetheart of a wife to me. She brought be me back seven different bottles of beer from Mexico. To bring that back without any damage and embarrassingly telling customs about it when asked meant a lot to me. So last night, I had over Ron Mexico and Caddylac for a sort of Mexican beer tasting. The beers were pretty good, especially the Wheat Ale, which Ron translated for us, even though it said, “WHEAT ALE” in English on the label. That was helpful. We were flipping channels from a couple of baseball games and AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes. As we were watching the AFI show, they had the “You had me at hello!” quote from “Jerry Maguire”. Ron asked me, “Did you see that at the theater?” to which my wife and I both responded with a “yes”. I then added a comment like, “Yeah, I was probably trying to get some, but probably didn’t.” My wife responded with “Well, I dunno. That was back when we were in college. You might have actually then.” Everyone laughed. Laughed at the fact that I’m a pathetic loser who has no shot of getting any now. But it was a pretty funny line. Touché Mrs. Brick. Touché.

Hopefully writing that story won’t get me kicked out of the house.

Regarding the AFI show, Caddylac predicted what the number one quote was (“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!”). I predicted two and three (“I’m gonna give him an offer he can’t refuse,” from “The Godfather” and “I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody,” from “On the Waterfront”, both by Marlon Brando). And “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,” was number four, near the top of the list like I thought it’d be. But damn it all, not one fucking “Stripes” quote! They didn’t even have one among the 400 nominees. No “That’s the fact, jack!” or “Lighten up, Francis!” which weren’t close to the best quotes in the movie, but probably the most likely to end up in a list like that. They didn’t even have “Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker!” from “The Usual Suspects” either. Plus they had "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti (slurp, slurp, slurp)," from “The Silence of the Lambs”, but they didn’t have the better quote, “I can smell your cunt.” So the list is worthless to me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

They're Probably Even Making Fun Of Us In Branson

If you want to torture someone who’s a parent, keep talking to them when they’re holding their baby who has a shit-filled diaper and don’t let them walk away. That’s pretty brutal. It happened to us last night, and man did the boy have some stinky shit. And when the neighbor pulled up to chit-chat, he just kept on talking. Nice guy and all, but after a few minutes of holding him and taking in my boy’s crap smell, it was getting rough. So if you need to get someone, that’s a good thing to do. Just don’t do that to me. Thanks.

Happy Birthday to my pal KD! I hope it’s a great one.

Yesterday at lunch I went to the grocery store. I needed to get a few things like milk, yogurt, and granola bars. When I got there, I practically got stampeded by about a dozen octogenarians who were hurrying for the bus. Hurrying as in going one and a half miles per hour instead of their normal one. Maybe it’s just where I live, but I think the new hangout for old people is the grocery store café. Either that or they just like to ride the bus. Either way, I guess they aren’t hanging out at the VFW playing bingo with Rob Deer anymore. Or feeding pigeons in the park. Now, it’s all about getting the $3.50 calzone and Coke special at the local HyVee. I just don’t think it helps their business though, as I’m a lot less likely to buy impulse food products when I lose all desire to eat after walking through 40 feet of old person smell.

Tonight they’re unveiling the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes of All-Time. Unfortunately, there won’t be any “Napoleon Dynamite” quotes in it, as the most recent quote is from 2002. Damn it all!! I don’t have too much more to say about this, since it’ll be filled with quotes from movies before my parents were even born, but they better have a “Stripes” quote. And I’m pretty sure that the lame line from “The Wizard of Oz”, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”, will be at the top of this list. So along with that, the kid who got arrested for puking on his teacher in Olathe, and the fact that the state’s government is actually arguing that evolution never happened, my home state of Kansas will become an even greater national joke. Even Mississippi and Kentucky are laughing at us.

Monday, June 20, 2005

I Believe Every Word Of This Article

Does Scientology Make Water Purifying Filters Too?

What a weekend! My wife comes home, I worked the Chiefs “Mini-Camp Sneak Preview” on Saturday, and cleaned up on Father’s Day. If I knew how much cool shit I’d be getting for Father’s Day, I would have been knocking up chicks a long time ago. Yeah, I know, like that would have been up to me. The chances of me scoring and having kids out of wedlock like an NBA player wouldn’t even work if I was an NBA player.

I’m so happy for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I wish nothing but the best for those crazy kids. And I’m glad Cruise found a mate to convert to Scientology. That’s great. Although to me, Scientology seems like Amway or Equinox. It really does. I don’t really know how it works, but to hear people talk about it reminds me of people trying to sell an Amway-type scheme. I’m pretty sure Cruise is getting 10% of whatever Katie Holmes is giving to the Church of Scientology. I haven’t read up on Scientology, but it just sounds to me like L. Ron Hubbard was wanting to make a lot of money, so he thought he’d invent a religion and get the most famous and influential crazy person to support it. He found Tom Cruise. It’s apparently working. If I was going to do that myself, I’d have gone after Mel Gibson. But I guess he’s already committed to another religion already. Damn.

That’s it for today. Bye.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

For All Of You "Napoleon Dynamite" Fans

WWJBD? (What Would John Belushi Do?)

Apparently, my clever little blog could get me fired. Don’t I know it! Which is why I may have to take a break or stop all together when I move to my new building next month. I’m not positive, but I will be sitting in the middle of everyone in my group, and it’s probably not worth the risk. But we’ll see.

I went to Royals game last night, my first since my Opening Day disaster. Originally, I was going to go with my wife and son, along with Ron Mexico and whoever he was bringing, but since my wife was out of town, I wasn’t going to take my kid by myself. I don’t think he’d like it that much anyway. So he spent the night at the in-laws and instead Rob Deer came along. The game started at 7:05 PM, so I told Rob to come over so we could leave at 6:15 PM. Well, Rob calls me at 6:25 PM to tell me he’s running late (like I couldn’t tell) and shows up at 6:40 PM. After he changed clothes and I punched him in the face, we left around 6:45 PM but we got in the stadium with one runner on and nobody out in the top of the first inning, so I did some quality driving. I was proud of myself. The game itself was good, as we met Ron and his friend who’s a girl there. It was fun, even though Ron and his friend who’s a girl were speaking Spanish much of the time. And even though I couldn’t trick Rob Deer into thanking Ron’s friend who’s a girl for the pencil he used to fill out the All-Star ballot by saying, “Gracias por la penga (thanks for the penis).” I was hoping that it’d work like the time in high school I told Jake Boot that “Soy un joto!” meant “Shut up!” (It actually means “I’m a fag!”) It was fun, and I spent the least amount of money that I’ve ever spent at a Royals game in my life. Five bucks. It was “Buck Night”, so I had three $1 hot dogs, a $1 small Pepsi, and a $1 nut-sack (bag of peanuts). Not one beer for me either, which is probably a shock to everyone (myself included). And I was in bed by 10:30 PM.

I don’t know how to set up a polling option on this site like I did on the old site, but I have a question for you all. I’m just curious what you think. Here it is: If John Belushi was still alive, which former “Saturday Night Live” cast member’s career do you think his would have most been similar to?

A. Dan Aykroyd (Stopped making funny movies in the mid-80s and tried serious acting)
B. Bill Murray (Steadily successful for the past 25 years)
C. Chevy Chase (Became a laughing-stock, possibly hindered by his “back-pain pill” addiction or the fact that he really wasn’t that funny in the first place, save “Fletch” and “Caddyshack”)
D. Robert Downey, Jr. (Became a critical success with no real box-office appeal)
E. Eddie Murphy (Became one of the biggest stars in the world, and then let his ego go out of control and started making horrible “Pluto Nash”-type movies)
F. Jim Belushi (Horribly unfunny and star of a crappy sitcom)
G. Other (i.e. Jane Curtin, Denny Dillon, Joe Piscopo, Terry Sweeney, etc.)

Put your answer in the comments please, and remember the question was about career, not life-style. Because then “C” or “D” would be the obvious answers with the drug issues. My answer would be A. But at least Aykroyd married the hot chick from “Bosom Buddies”.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I'll Stick With Brewpubs and Boulevard From Now On!

I’m really trying to not be the dad that talks about his kid all the time, so writing right now is difficult since I’m a single dad until Friday night. He’s taking up most of my time, so most stories would involve him. So right now, I don’t really have any other funny stories of morons I encounter at the store or anything like that. And since I had to close down my last site, I’m reluctant to write about the morons I deal with at work. And there are a bunch of them, just so you know. A whole bunch.

(WARNING: LONG, BORING PARAGRAPH) Speaking of morons, I was trying to have our next beer night at another brewery (where they just brew beer), Pony Express, as opposed to a brewpub (a place where they make beer and serve food). I’ve been trying to get this done for a while. One time when I was working at the stadium for a football game back in November, I went out to my car to grab my phone, and I as I was walking back I saw the Pony Express tent. They were giving out samples of their beer, but since I was working and it was like 10 AM on a Sunday, I had to pass. But I went over to see what all was going on there. As I walked up, I got stopped by this woman I work with (who is extremely nice) and she was working the tent for Pony. We talked for a bit, and I eventually went back to work without having any beer. On the following Monday at our real jobs, I sent her an instant message asking her about that. She said she just volunteered with them since her friend worked there. I asked if her friend could get my group of friends in for a tour, and she said she’d see what she could do. I didn’t remind her for a while, but I did send emails to their website to see if I could get anything done on my own. Eventually I brought it up again a couple of months ago to my friend. She said that her friend no longer worked there, but she gave me her number and said that I should give her a call to see what they could do for us. I left her a couple of voicemails, and about a week later I got a call back. She told me to call this other guy, and I did. I called him and left him a voicemail, and heard nothing. The next week I called again, and eventually I got a call back. We talked for a while, and I told them about our night at the Boulevard Brewery. And I mentioned how our group probably spent over $200 on hats, shirts, glasses, and other Boulevard crap, and we’d probably do the same at Pony. He said he’d look into it and get back to me. I told him in the meantime that I’d check with my pals to see what night would be best for them. I emailed him a few days later with the dates that would be best, and never heard from him. I emailed him the following week, but still no response. The following week was the Parkville Brewers Festival, and I emailed him and asked him if they’d be there along with my tour questions, and he said they’d be there but didn’t address any of my other questions. I actually talked to the guy for a couple of minutes at the brewfest. He apologized for not getting back to me, as he said they were really busy. He said he’d email me that week, but he never did. I called him and left him a voicemail. I sent him another email. I almost felt like a stalker, but I was really trying to get this done for me and my friends, and I would think that Pony would be all about having some guys sample their beer. It’s not like it’s that popular around here, and getting on a dozen guys’ good sides would be beneficial. Anyway, I hadn’t heard anything for a couple of weeks, and yesterday I decided to give them one more chance. I sent him an email, just asking if he was able to squeeze us in this month or anytime since I needed to let the guys know what was going on so they could make their plans. About an hour later I got the following reply: “Contact the brewery. I have left.” Okee-dokee then. Thanks. I guess we’ll be going elsewhere, and probably won’t be buying their beer anytime soon. Thanks for everything. So yeah, I’m a little frustrated with them. But nothing that a wild evening in Leavenworth, Kansas won’t cure next Thursday! (If you read this and you want to come with, send me an email and I’ll send you the Evite. Or I can send you Evites for future Beer Nights Out.)

Well, have a great day. I’ll work on something interesting for tomorrow. But no promises.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Well, I survived one night without my wife. Actually, a better way to put it would be that my son survived a night without her. But it went well, as he was really good. Even with two long drives in a car seat to and from the airport and the car dealership. Ron Mexico helped me out with picking up my car, and then we watched the extended edition of “Stripes” after my son went to bed, even though it was apparently too extended for him since he left before it ended. Anyway, Day Two is here, so I hope that I can continue being a good single father. Cross your fingers.

So Wacko Jacko was found “Not Guilty” by the jury. Just to be clear, that doesn’t mean he was innocent. Not only was he guilty of bad judgment, if you just consider he slept in the same bed with other people’s children, but I’m pretty sure that other crap happened. In a way, I really wish that he was innocent and it could be proved, because I don’t want to believe it to be true. But I just don’t buy him being innocent. Anyway, two things really bother me about what happened after the verdict was read. First, how the people outside were screaming with approval or anger. These people act on cases like this as if they have a personal involvement in them. They don’t. Yet they act like they won the World Series. Just because this freak show was found not guilty of fucking a boy with cancer. Hooray!!!! The second thing, and probably even more disturbing, is that that Wacko compared to his being found not guilty to Nelson Mandela being released from prison and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Yeah, that’s pretty much the same thing. Um, talk about self-importance! I think a better thing to compare it to is when CBS canceled “WKRP in Cincinnati”. Some people were upset, but it really didn’t change much in people’s lives. This really doesn’t change anything in my life. Unless he asks my son to spend the night at Neverland Ranch, which will never happen. I need to put that in my will in case I die.

In a sick twist, the first episode of VH-1’s “100 Greatest Kid Stars” aired last night, just hours after the Jacko verdict was read. Who else thinks he was at home taking notes last night and spanking to it? I think a new shipment of “Jesus Juice” was delivered at about 9 PM Pacific Daylight Time to the Neverland Ranch last night.

Finally, Paris Hilton has stated that she is going to “retire” from her public life after she gets married. She kinda sounded like a politician who was retiring from public service, although I guess she is known for servicing the public. Anyway, it got me to thinking. I think a world without Paris Hilton would be like a day without shitting your pants, breaking your foot, and getting robbed. You don’t realize how much better things would be without those things until they happen. Good luck marrying Paris, Paris!!!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Dig Deep!

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I really wanted Doncock to be surprised when he got his Christmas present. So, what was the greatest gift ever given? Let me start with a little background first. Anyone who’s ever read my entry more than five times (especially in the last week) and isn’t a retard knows that my favorite movie of all-time is “Stripes”. Well, Doncock’s favorite movie of all-time is “American Anthem”. He absolutely loves it. Loves the acting, the storyline, the powerful gymnastics scenes, all of it. Most of all, he loves Mitch Gaylord. So what I bought for him was a personally autographed picture of Mitch that said, “To Don, Dig Deep, Mitch Gaylord LA ‘84”. Pretty sweet, huh? And if you really think about it, it makes perfect sense why it took seven months and two days to get. I’m guessing that the demand of Mitch Gaylord autographs is pretty high. Especially when one of the greeting choices is “Dig Deep”. So if you are looking to get someone that special gift, a gift of inspiration, determination, and love, you better go to this site now, because Christmas is only six and a half months away.

I have to make a clarification on my last entry. The women’s football team that played wasn’t the Kansas City C’r’unch’. It was the Kansas City Storm (even though I’ve have a day and a half to think about it, I couldn’t come up with a clever acronym or contraction for that). A more fitting name would have been Slumpbusters. Anyway, the game was about what I expected, as the skill level was about that of a middle school team. Although the sizes weren’t. One chick was listed at 6’3”, 220 pounds, but she easily weighed 250. I was shocked to see that her job was “bar manager”, which I think meant bouncer. Seriously, that chick could have kicked my ass in about a second. Which I guess isn’t saying much since I’m kind of a pussy, but still. Another “woman” on the team was nicknamed (by the spotter who works for the team, I might add) “Spongebob”. She was listed at 5’2”, 250 pounds, but there was no way possible that she weighed less than 300 pounds. I seriously don’t think it would be possible to tackle her, as I just think she’d start rolling. They also had players listed at 5’5” 300 lbs. and 5’9” 320 lbs. It was pretty scary. The game itself was pretty boring, so boring that I only said once after a completed pass, “Nice snatch!” I’m kinda disappointed in myself for that. But the team won, and I guess they’ll be playing in Overland Park on the 18th. I may just have to head down there and be a Storm groupie. Although I might have to wait until I’m in a slump first.

Well, I have a short day (again) because I have to drive my wife to the airport as she is leaving for the week to visit her pal in Mexico City. You all have a great week.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Greatest Present Ever Given!

Today at work we have my group’s picnic. Kinda funny how it’s so close to our group’s team-builder last week. Anyway, we had a group meeting yesterday where my co-workers were complaining about having to go to these things. They made comments like “I’m too busy to do this!” or “I really need to stay at my desk and get work done!” To be honest with you, I really think they just want to make it seem like they are hard workers and have people feel sorry for them when in actuality they just look like assholes. These things aren’t options; it’s part of the fucking job. I hate it when people complain about having to go to them, especially when going to a park is a lot more fun than being in the office. Even if the weather is shitty.

This weekend should be interesting. I need to give Doncock his Christmas present sometime. Yes, I said Christmas present. I ordered his present on my birthday (November 7th) and it said that it could take six-to-ten weeks to get it (Christmas being about seven weeks after my b-day). So when I ordered it, I was thinking the best case scenario was going to be that I’d get it just before Christmas, or worst case I’d get it soon thereafter. Well, I was mistaken. I received it yesterday. June 9th. That would be seven months and two days to get it. I had sent various emails to the company to get this item, but they had a problem. I will explain more after I give him the present, as I don’t want to ruin the surprise. And I don’t want to build up this present too much and give him huge expectations, but I have to tell you: it is the greatest present that anyone has ever given anyone else at any time for any reason in the history of the world. But I don’t want to build it up too much.

Also this weekend, I get to work a soccer game. I know, not that exciting. But there’s more. We got an email from my boss this week who said that there’s going to be a women’s football game (football, not soccer) after the match. When I’ve told people this, they acted like this was going to be something really sexy to watch, like the Lingerie Bowl that they have Super Bowl Sunday. Um, not quite. Not only am I expecting the football action to be about as competitive as a middle school boys game (I’m not trying to be sexist, but I really do believe that will be the case), but the women who are playing aren’t really (how shall I say this?) anywhere close to being doable even after three cases of beer, a dozen shots, a lobotomy, and spending 20 years in prison. When Ron Mexico and I went to the UMKC basketball game back in March, they had players there trying to get people to sign up for tickets. You would think that they’d probably have their prettiest women there to recruit potential season ticket holders. Well, if that was the case, then I’m guessing three-fourths of the players will look like a cross between Camryn Manheim and Jabba the Hut, because the two that they had there looked like Shirley from “What’s Happening!” and Louie Anderson. Also, the name of the team is the Crunch. But I’m pretty sure it’s actually C’r’unch’. You know, a contraction for CaRpetmUNCHers. Not that that’s a problem. I’m just pretty sure that’s the case.

Well, have a great week. I love you.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Fun Band Stuff!!!

I don’t have much time, but I got this sent to me from my pal Jessica and I figured I’d give it a whirl.
Pick a band or artist. Answer the following questions using only song titles from that artist.

1. artist choice: Third Eye Blind
2. are you a male or female: Good Man
3. describe yourself: Wounded, Danger, Good for You
4. how do you feel about yourself: Forget Myself
5. describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: 10 Days Late (just kidding), Palm Reader (also just kidding)…hmm…
6. describe your current boyfriend/girlfriend: Never Let You Go (aaawww!!!), Semi-Charmed Life
7. describe your current location: Can’t Get Away
8. describe where you want to be: London
9. your best friend is: Crystal Baller
10. your favorite color: Camouflage
11. what’s the weather like: 1000 Julys
12. if your life was a television show what would it be called: Narcolepsy
13. what is life to you: Slow Motion
14. what is the best advice you have to give: Graduate
15. if you could change your name what would you change it to: God of Wine (the only other option was "Darwin")

Okay, not that interesting, but you can try it too if you want! How fun!!!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I'm Still Bummed Sean Young Didn't Show It All, Though

Yes, I did buy “Stripes” yesterday. It’s pretty sweet. While I didn’t have time to watch the actual movie, I did watch the “making of” part which I found pretty interesting. I also watched the deleted scenes, one which was pretty bizarre and that I’ll have to watch a couple hundred more times. There was another deleted scene that I can’t understand why they wouldn’t have kept it in the original theatrical release. It was a scene with a topless P.J. Soles! Not that she had the best rack ever (although I’m a fan of all racks), but she was the main love interest in the movie and she filmed topless scenes, and then they didn’t use them? I don’t understand their thinking at all. Sure, “Stripes” was one of the top five money-grossing films of 1981, but I think adding that scene would have blown “Raiders of the Lost Ark” out of the water.

Yesterday a teenager came to my house to sell candy for what he said was his organization to keep kids like himself off drugs and out of gangs. I’m pretty sure the thing was bullshit, because he was selling those 10-packs of Twix you can get at the grocery store for $2 out of one of those $2.50 little plastic bins you get at Wal-Mart for $5.95 a pack. I passed, but not after laughing when he went through his spiel. I’m not 100% on this, but it seemed like he was preparing for the Orlando Jones role in a remake of “Office Space”: “Yes sir I am selling candy for my organization to keep kids like myself off of drugs and out of gangs and I am selling candy which you can purchase one for $5.95 or two for $10 and it will go towards keeping kids like myself off of drugs and out of gangs and instead take trips to places and do fun things like ball games and museums and other fun and educational activities to avoid the trouble that many kids my age get into like drugs and gangs and committing crimes by keeping us out of harms way and putting us on the right path to a better future.” Um, no thanks, but feel free to come back when you have a crunch bar for me and a caramel bar for my wife.

Apparently some of my paragraphs are too long (according to sarcastic comments by A.D.D. persons), so consider the rest of this entry to be for them.

Anne Bancroft died on Monday, and that is sad. She was outstanding as Mrs. Robinson in “The Graduate”, one of the best movies of all-time. If you’ve never seen it, you need to.

Shiny things are pretty!

Has anyone ever gone from superstar A-List celebrity to national joke faster than Tom Cruise after his “Oprah” appearance? I don’t think so.

I like how Brad Pitt says he wants less attention, and he goes on “ABC Primetime Live” to tell Diane Sawyer so.

Madonna wrote her last children’s book apparently. How sad! How else will I be able to teach my son about the Kabbalah? So I guess she’ll go back now to making books about her vagina.

I’m kinda bummed that I will be moving to a new building on July 8th. I do have a few friends there that I don’t get to see as much, which will be cool, but most of my pals work here and my building now is about 10-15 closer to my home than the new one will be. So that sucks.

But at the same time, I’m also pumped because I think Timmy is gonna come with me on the beer trip. Should be fun.

Well, no entry tomorrow as I have two meetings in the morning. Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Well, I guess there is, but nothing that I want to do about it. Ta-ta!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Maybe "Dewberry" Will Be A Character in the "Revenge of the Nerds" Remake

We watched “Hell’s Kitchen” last night, and I have to say that I’m disappointed. Not so much by the content of the show though. I mean, it’s basically the same concept as all of the other competition reality shows. Teams complete, one team loses, and they kick someone off that team. The winner gets their own restaurant or a gravy boat or something. But what sucks about this is that they kicked the token gay guy off the show last night, and he was easily the most entertaining character on the show. Not so much because of his flaming tendencies or his skill with the cucumber, although that definitely helped. He was the most entertaining character mainly because his name was Dewberry. Every time I heard someone say, “Dewberry!” or see his name on the screen, it made me giggle like a stoned 13-year-old girl on the telephone. Dewberry. Dewberry sounds like the name of some nerd from an ‘80s college sex romp on Spring Break. Like four buddies head to Panama Beach to let loose for a week of debauchery: there’s Brock, the suave jock-type guy who gets it on with all the honeys, including his physics professors wife the night before they leave; there’s Snatch, the odd-looking party animal who’s always wearing a shirt that says something like “F.B.I. Female Body Inspector” or “Mustache Rides: $1” who calls Dewberry “Dewby”; Randy, the normal guy who is the morale center of the movie who falls in love with some lifeguard or housekeeper; and then of course Dewberry, the fat dork who lives in the dorm and who’s only there because he’s got a car and his dad’s credit card. Dewberry from “Hell’s Kitchen” would pretty much fit the stereotype, except he also loves the cock. And he got kicked off the show, and the douchebag chef called him a coward! Sure, he was right, but still! Poor, poor Dewberry. And poor viewers, as we won’t be able to see him on the show any longer. But at least we’ll have our memories. And a potential DVD release, possibly with bonus Dewberry footage!!!

I decided last week that I’m going to go on a little trip this summer. You see, next week my wife is going to Mexico City to see our friend who lives there, and I’ll be home with the kiddo. So I’ll have some extra vacation time that I can’t use with her, so I figure I need to make a trip to see some buddies that I don’t see that often. So being the beer dork that I am, sometime in August (probably the 10th-14th) I’m going to drive up to see my friend Rory in Minnesota and then to see my friends in Wisconsin, and along the way I’m going to stop at different breweries/brewpubs to try some beers. Right now, the plan is for me to leave on a Wednesday morning, stop at a brewpub in Ames, IA, for lunch and then drive to on to Rochester to hang out with Rory that night. The next morning, I’ll drive to Winona, MN (where my parents met), and stop for lunch at the brewpub there. After lunch, I might stop at a brewpub in Wisconsin Falls where I’ll probably just sample a few beers (and get some to go) before driving to Madison for dinner at yet another brewpub and crashing at a hotel for the night. The next day, I will go to another brewpub in Madison for lunch before heading to the New Glarus Brewing Company in New Glarus, WI, which is considered one of the top breweries in the country. I might hang out there for a while, before heading to my old hometown to hang out with my buds (or whoever will let me crash at their place). On Saturday, I want to go tour the Sprecher Brewery and maybe even Miller (which I’ve never done) and hang out with my pals. Maybe even have dinner at the Brewpub in Whitewater, WI, which is the closest one to where I grew up and that I’ve heard is pretty good. Then on Sunday, I’ll head back home, while stopping along the way for lunch in the Quad Cities, the most magical place in the world, and then an early dinner in Des Moines before coming home. If I do all that, I will have gone to eleven breweries in five days, quite a remarkable feat, although odds are that I might miss one or two of those. Where did I come up with this idea, you ask? That movie “American Beer” that I wrote about last month, where five guys go to 38 breweries in 40 days. Well, I don’t have 40 days where I can do this, but I think I have three vacation days to use. I also don’t think that I have four friends who’d want to do this (or want to use their vacation days for it, can get away for those days, or want to spend five days with me, which is very understandable), but maybe some of them would be up for it or want to join me for part of it in Minnesota or Wisconsin. I’m kinda hoping that one or two guys will want to do this with me, but I’m okay if they don’t. I think I’ll still have fun, and I’ll probably be extra careful if I’m alone. I’m most likely going to bring my video camera with me and hopefully interview some of the brewers, owners, and patrons and maybe make a little movie out of it. Or at least have some interesting and funny footage for my friends to watch. Feel free to make fun of me in the comments below or chatter box to the right. I do realize that I am a huge dork. I can’t argue that.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Poor Hotel Workers

Things once again are right in the world. Russell Crowe got arrested this morning for throwing a phone in the face of a hotel worker. Just when you thought Crowe was done getting in fights since he got married and had a kid, this happens. The only reason I think this is funny or even worth noting is that in the latest issue of “Entertainment Weekly”, Crowe is asked about his “mellowing out” and said that he has changed a little. Well, apparently except for towards hotel employees, those fuckers. He goes Crocodile Dundee on their asses. Too bad it wasn’t in Lake Geneva, WI though. Because Six would probably get to fight him, and that’d be pretty cool.

The weekend was okay. Lots o’ rain, which wasn’t good for the three dogs (we’re watching Ron Mexico’s cocker spaniel). I don’t really remember what else we really did this weekend except for going to our friends’ house on Saturday night to let our kids play together. That was fun, but the night ended abruptly when our son started freaking out when he couldn’t find his binky and wouldn’t go back to sleep. Yesterday my wife went to our sister-in-law’s house for a jewelry party while I watched the boy. We went to the park for a bit when she got back, and I gave him a bath after that. And that was pretty much the extent of all the excitement. Take a deep breath and calm down from being exhilarated after reading that.

Oh, apparently I am wrong. “Napoleon Dynamite” is a great movie, or at least according to the MTV Movie Awards. Again, I didn’t think this movie was terrible. I don’t hate it. I just thought it was stupid and not funny. And when you come up to me and say, “But what about the part where he throws the ham at the llama? That was hilarious.” Um, not so much. I get what parts people think are funny, and why they think it’s funny. They just aren’t funny to me. But I’m wrong; you’re right. Because MTV viewers can’t be wrong. I mean, Alicia Silverstone still is a huge star, right?

So we watched “Entourage” last night, and once again I am so underwhelmed by this show. I really want to like it, because it gets great reviews and is loved by so many people, but it’s really not that funny. It has its moments, but I don’t think I’ve ever laughed once at out loud. Not once. “Hug it out, bitch!” really isn’t that funny, yet it’s the big catch-phrase from season one according to what I’ve read. I barely even noticed it the first time I heard it. Oh well. After “Entourage” was Lisa Kudrow’s new show “The Comeback”, which was okay. It was good in parts, and sort of dumb in others. But I do have to admit that I did laugh out loud twice during it, so I’m glad I watched it. Plus there was nudity (not Kudrow), so even if I didn’t laugh it had that going for it. Boobs.


Thursday, June 02, 2005

"Britney and Kevin: Moronic"

I forgot to mention this before. I watched the last two episodes of “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”, and let me tell you: I is much dummer fer having scene it. Holy crap is this the worst fucking show on TV! Not only does it have the “Blair Witch Project” meets “One Night in Paris” camera work, but the show is just so uninteresting and stupid. Here is what I’ve learned from the show so far:

Britney Spears is dumber than Jessica Simpson, yet she says things that are supposed to be all philosophical and are really much stupider than asking if “Chicken of the Sea” tuna is chicken or fish. At least Jessica doesn’t say things to seem like she’s smart. She’s very likeable in that respect. But Britney is a different story. She said, “I’m not scared of loving someone. I’m scared of being loved by someone.” Huh? I would understand that statement if she meant it in a physical way, but she didn’t. I mean, I’m scared for any woman that is “loved” (i.e. railed, fucked, boned, corn-holed, screwed, etc.) by Kevin. I don’t think there’s enough Valtrex in the world to take care of his STD collection. And she’s said a few other things even dumber that I don’t remember now. Which is good, since I’ve been trying my best to forget everything I saw on the show.

According to Britney, she’s accomplished every dream she’s ever had. I get the being famous, losing her virginity a boy-bander, and being rich part that a young girl would dream about. I just had no idea that one of her dreams as a young girl, growing up in Louisiana, was to marry and get knocked up by a dirty drifter with aspirations of using her money to become rapper. I think she should have set her dreams a little higher in the marriage department, that’s all I’m saying.

Kevin was in “You Got Served”. That alone is hilarious. Britney Spears married an extra from a movie called “You Got Served”. Aw, damn, Britney! Day-um!

If I ever wanted to become bulimic, I think I would just loop the part of the show where Britney tells the camera how great the sex is with Kevin. That makes me gag faster than the smell of coleslaw or pickled beets. I think a little of my granola bar came up just from me writing that.

Anyway, I won’t be watching that show anymore. I took it off the scheduled recordings list of my TiVo. This show isn’t even bad-funny. It’s just bad-horrible-fucking-brain-numbingly-stupid. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet, don’t. You will be a much better person for having not seen it. Your time would be much better spent mowing your lawn with fingernail clippers.

Today should be a good day. I get to leave work at 10:30 AM and go to a minor league baseball game. Much better than sitting here at my desk. Well, you have a great day, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Maybe.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I Was Hoping It Was Gonna Be Diane Sawyer.

Maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that the first business day after Paris Hilton’s engagement is announced the true identity of “Deep Throat” is revealed. If Woodward and Bernstein weren’t already involved in this story, I’d ask them to look into this. Especially since Linda Lovelace wasn’t their source, which I couldn’t believe. Something awfully fishy about this whole thing, and I’m not just talking about Hilton’s vag smell.

I hate Rob Deer. He’s a fucking asshole. You see, this past weekend he went to what I refer to as “America’s Wonderland”, Moline, Illinois. Before he went to the “Happiest Place on Earth”, he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up of jug of the Quad Cities’ finest beer to bring back to me. I told him, “Sure,” and I gave him $15 to pick one up and possibly a pint glass from the brewpub he was going to go to. All weekend I was so excited, anticipating that delicious malted treat from the greatest Quad City Area in the Universe hitting the back of my throat, loosening my morals, and severely impairing my common sense. So what happens when I come into work yesterday? Rob Deer tells me that he didn’t get it for me. He said, “Blah, blah, blah. I’m a fucking tool. I didn’t get it for you because the growler cost $40.” What a fucking prick! What kind of douchebag friend wouldn’t spend an additional $25 of their own money to buy their friend an extremely overpriced growler of beer that goes at most other places for $8-$15 and would sit in their basement collecting dust and cobwebs after drinking it? The answer: Rob “Douchebag” Deer. Seriously, how big of an A-hole is this guy? I hate him.

Um, I guess that’s all I’ve got today. I'm still a little upset about the whole liar Rob Deer thing.