Yesterday was quite the eventful day. First of all, my company announced its new name, to take place after its merger with another company is finalized. They had a big announcement at work which they broadcasted to all the employees, and it was pretty remarkable. For sake of me not getting fired, let’s just say that my company’s name is “Run”. And also for not-losing-my-job purposes, let’s say that the company Run is merging with is called “Afterel”. Drum roll, please. So the new name of my company is going to be…….Run Afterel!!! How fucking creative is that!!! They actually played Republica’s “Ready to Go” (“On the rooftop! /Shout it out! /Baby, I’m ready to go!”) while the dorks in the crowd were waving pom-poms. Seriously. They had pom-poms. They also unveiled the new logo, which looks like something one of my diggity dogs puked up. And the little broadcast they did was terrible. I’m actually embarrassed to be working here right now. First of all, they had the two biggest dorks in the world as “hosts/interviewers”. They both were very obviously reading their lines off of teleprompters, and both had the on-screen charisma of a ten year hostage victim. They made Billy Bush’s pre-Oscar interviews seem Letterman-esque. The guy kept saying “Awesome!” like that guy in the Geico commercial where the newlyweds move into the small house. “The logo is awesome! Awesome new name!” It’s not even a new name! It’s like one of those militant feminist married name changes, without the hyphen. The last part of the broadcast was when the chick host said her last name and “Out!” like Seacrest (or more fitting, a “Jim Rome Show” caller). So I’m not saying I’m looking for a new job, but if anyone knows of a less embarrassing company to work for, like a porn film company or dildo manufacturer, please let me know.
Last night was Beer Night. There were only four of us, but it was okay. Not nearly as fun as the last time we went to the High Noon Saloon in Leavenworth, but it was still fun. Especially when the extremely drunk chick (and I mean drunker than I was on Opening Day) started groping Timmy and then later was kissing Caddylac’s hand and begging him to hug her. Doncock said he was pretty sure that the girl was retarded (literally), while I now just think she started doing Bacardi 151 shots at about 3 PM. Caddylac actually had to catch her twice from falling off her barstool. During the evening, I sang the Boomtown Rats’ “I Don’t Like Mondays”, which was a failure. I think I actually sang it okay, but it’s just not a good karaoke song. Now if I sang that on “American Idol”, it would have killed. The evening ended with Doncock singing “Pussy Control”, which brought down the house and brought the skanks onto the dance floor. Prince ain’t got nuttin’ on Doncock!
My wife is a nurse at an OB/GYN doctor’s office. About two and a half months ago, she had a patient come in with a list of questions. A list of 69 questions! Really. I’ve been trying for those two and a half months to have my wife bring that list (don’t worry; it doesn’t have the patient’s name anywhere on it). Although some of the questions are valid ones like taking certain medications, most of them were ridiculously funny. I have obtained a copy of this list from an unnamed source, and I will give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind that this woman had another child two years ago:
3) Is it safe to be around computers all day when I’m pregnant?
13) Is it safe to drink tap water when I’m pregnant? (Fist Tickle Brick: Just not in Mexico.)
16) Is it safe to eat any deli meats?
17) Is it safe to receive a/an manicure or pedicure while I’m pregnant? (FTB: She really typed the “a/an” part.)
22) Is it safe to have sex when I’m pregnant? (FTB: That I understand a little.) Anal? (FTB: Huh?)
27) Is it safe to swim in a chlorinated pool during pregnancy?
28) Is it safe to swallow semen during pregnancy? (FTB: Keep in mind, this is a real typed-out list, handed to a doctor during a visit. How he could keep a straight face is beyond me.)
29) Is it safe to ride the bumper cars at the amusement park when I’m pregnant? (FTB: Not at the amusement park, but you can at the County Fair.)
30) Is it safe to sit in a hot tub while I’m pregnant?
33) Is it safe to sleep with an electric blanket during pregnancy?
44) Is it safe to use a dildo during pregnancy?
48) Is it safe to use a photo copier for more than a few minutes when I’m pregnant?
49) Is it safe to use a vibrating chair during pregnancy? (FTB: I feel like this question was a set-up for the next one.)
50) Is it safe to use a/an vibrator? (FTB: If this question wasn’t funny by itself, she again added the “a/an” part.)
51) Is it safe to use a water-based lubricant during sex when I’m pregnant?
54) Is it safe to use my microwave oven during pregnancy and what if I accidentally stand in front of it?
55) Is it safe to wear high heels when I’m pregnant? (FTB: Not if you’re a klutz.)
57) Can I keep shaving everywhere as long as I can reach the places o.k.?
58) Can I eat late at night/early morning?
60) (FTB: My personal favorite question.) How am I ever going to tell for sure who the father really is? (FTB: I just laughed out loud to that again.)
63) I really would like this baby well is there anything that I can do or not do or take or not take? (FTB: Just an English course or two.)
64) I am a true clutz, always falling down on myself and having accidents…really do not want anything bad to happen to this baby…any suggestions? (FTB to the lady: “Re-read my answer to question 55.”)
65) Not real sure if I’m even in love with who I think is the father of this baby? (FTB: Keep in mind that this is an OB/GYN office, not a shrink’s.)
66) Now that I am older, I am so terrified of being a parent all over again? (FTB: Yes, she really did put a question mark at the end.) Things, rules, whatever are so much different know (sic) than what they used to be like before when I had my other two. I’m still raising two children and they have no clue about all of this. How am I going to tell them about all this…without sudden shock syndrome? (FTB: I started to sort of feel sorry for her, but tears came to my eyes after laughing when I saw the “sudden shock syndrome” part. There’s really nothing more for me to add to this entry. Have a great weekend.)