How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I'm Asking You Since Ann Landers Died Three Years Ago

Renee Zellweger got married yesterday to country music guy and Rob Deer idol Kenny Chesney. I had no idea they were dating, or that there was a country music singer named Kenny Chesney. I don’t really have a problem with this as some of you might think. First of all, Zellweger doesn’t do it for me. Sure, I think she’s a pretty good actress, but she’s a little too squinty for my tastes. Secondly, I don’t care who country music singers marry, as long as it’s not one of my friends so I don’t have to go to their concerts as I probably would feel obligated to (read: my wife would make me go to). All that is fine. I hope they have a great marriage and they are happy. The only thing I really have a problem with is a 37-year-old guy going by the name of Kenny. I see “Kenny” as an 80-year-old bingo player at the retirement home or a five-year-old in a sandbox. Not a guy married to an Oscar winner. That just doesn’t seem right to me.

So Affleck had sexual intercourse with Jennifer Garner and impregnated her. Hmm…interesting. Since she’s three months along now and reportedly been engaged for two months, I wonder if he felt obligated to get propose. Probably not, since he’s been engaged at least twice before, but it makes you wonder. At least makes me wonder. Do you think millionaires feel the pressure to get married when they get someone pregnant like the 17-year-old Piggly Wiggly clerk in Arkansas who gets knocked up by the 40-something thrice-divorced YooHoo deliveryman does? I wouldn’t think so, but I have no idea. Really, I just think Affleck likes to propose. He’s a propose addict. That’s my theory.

Is it just me or does the Michael Jackson trial seem to be taking longer than the O.J. trial? All I know is that when and if he is convicted, he’s going to pull a Roman Polanski. No, not have sex with a 13-year-old girl! That’s ridiculous! I just feel that he’ll fly off to Argentina or France or something. Which would almost be okay with me, just as long I don’t have to hear or read anymore about his games of “Rubba-Rubba” or giving kids “Jesus Juice” so he could take advantage of them. Because that’s vomit-inducing to me, and I’m afraid that people will start thinking I’m bulimic. Well, except for the fat stomach thing.

I need some advice, although it’s for hindsight purposes. Pretend you have two friends who don’t hang out much with one another. Friend A doesn’t like Friend B for some reason, but says not to say anything to him since they deal with one another occasionally. You have heard someone else mention to you a similar perception of Friend B that Friend A has, even though you don’t think that reason is true. You tell Friend A that he/she just doesn’t know Friend B that well to understand that he’s just trying to be funny and isn’t really like what Friend A thinks he is. Friend A says something like, “Whatever! It gets really old and annoying. That’s why I don’t hang out with you guys more often.” What do you do?

A. Say and do nothing. It’s not really your problem.
B. Tell Friend B that some people perceive him/her a certain way, and maybe it’s something he/she should think about, but don’t tell him who said it since you told Friend A that you wouldn’t.
C. Tell Friend B that Friend A thinks he’s annoying and gets on his nerves.
D. Murder both friends so that you won’t have to deal with this again.

I chose D., er, I mean B. In hindsight, I should have chose A, because now Friend B is pissed at me for not saying who said it, although if I were Friend B I would rather know what people think of me more than who said it. I’m just curious what you think. Thanks.

Have a great F’in’ day!


  • At 7:17 AM, Blogger caddylac said…

    Always, always, always choose A.

  • At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Special Ed said…

    Are your friends in the 7th grade? If so don’t send them to France cause Michael Jackson WILL fuck them……

    If not, have them arm wrestle, best 2 outta 3, winner stays in the friendship circle and gets the chance to go at Stallone for the title and a new big rig…….

  • At 11:39 AM, Anonymous SilkyD said…

    I would also have to go with "A" and hope to god that I am not friend 'A' or 'B'that you are refering to. Also, do you perceive my dad as an 80 year old bingo player since many people call him 'Kenny'. Just curious.

  • At 7:28 AM, Blogger justrose said…

    A is the obvious choice, but I'd pull a B and deal with the fallout. People are always torturing the messenger.


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