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Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I Would Be Interested If Kim Were On "Surreal Life" Though

I’m kinda in a good mood today. First of all, it’s my son’s first birthday today, so that’s kinda cool. His car seat now gets to face forward, so that’s pretty exciting. I’m also happy about a couple of things TV related, which I know is pretty lame, but cut me some freaking slack, okay. I really only watch a handful of shows. I watch “The Office”, which has been pretty funny for the two or three episodes that I’ve seen (I missed the pilot). Besides that, the only shows that I have TiVo’d the entire series for are “24” and “Surreal Life”. Well, last night on “24” (this shouldn’t be a spoiler alert if you haven’t seen last night’s episode yet) at the end they showed scenes from next week’s episode, and they’re bringing back President Pedro Cerrano!!! I was pumped. That led to this exchange with my wife:

Me: “Sweet! They’re bringing back the best character the show’s ever had!”
Wife: “What are you talking about? Kief’s the best character, and Kim was probably the second best. Then maybe your guy.”
Me: “What?!?!? Are you fucking joking with me? Kim?!?!? You liked it when she got caught in the bear trap, or was being chased by a cougar? (Heavy sarcasm) Yeah, she was a solid character!”
Wife: “I’m just giving you shit because I know you think Kim was terrible.”
Me: “You better be kidding! I don’t know if I could go on being married to someone who thinks Kim was better than Cerrano!”

After that I took a valium and I was much better.

The other thing has to do an email that my father-in-law (as long as my wife still believes that Kim was much worse than President Cerrano) sent me about the upcoming season of “Surreal Life”. I don’t know the exact source (I don’t want any Jayson Blair comparisons), but if this paragraph doesn’t get you pumped up about “Surreal Life 5”, you are a miserable human being and I hate you and your empty soul:

“ANDY Dick was such a jerk during a guest appearance on VH1's "The Surreal Life" that "producers and security had to wrestle him to the ground in order to throw him off the set," said an insider. "Andy was completely out of control." The show's fifth season, which just wrapped, starred Jose Canseco, Sandi "Pepa" Denton, Bronson Pinchot, London model Caprice Bourret, and two other women who didn't get along at all — Janice Dickinson and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Dickinson referred to the former "Apprentice" as "Omagrossa." During a photo shoot with the whole cast, Omarosa became hysterical at the sight of Janice holding a prop knife, our spy said. Omarosa told Dickinson to "back the [bleep] up with that knife," causing Dickinson to taunt: "Who wants a haircut?" Omarosa then exploded in a tirade of expletives, scaring the rest of the cast so much that they all left the shoot.”

Holy crap do I want the new season to start now!

Last night there was this “Parents as Teachers” thing at a nearby community center called “Daddy and Me Playtime” or something like that that I took my kid to. I figured it’d give him a chance to play with other kids and play with new toys, so we went there. I got there, and it kinda blew. Maybe because my kid is only one year old, but it just wasn’t for us. First of all, the lady who was running it made a big stink about kids putting toys in their mouth. Okay, every toy that my kid has in his hand goes into his mouth. So every time he touched a toy for five seconds, I had to put it in the sink to be washed. Also, there were way too many kids there, and most of them were probably two-to-three years old. Thirdly, the toys were crap. Maybe it’s because my kid just got new toys for his birthday, but the toys at this place were garbage. I mean, the only toys that seemed decent were the Barbie dollhouses and stuff like that, and I’m not gonna encourage him to play with those. And lastly, I love my kid, and I could talk about him all day, but I don’t. I have other interests. Being at this place was like being at the dog park, where every person would ask you a question just so you could reply with some sort of question to ask them so they could tell you all about their beloved Rufus. Every parent I saw asked me how old he was, and then went into some story about how Ayden was 9 lbs. 7 oz. when he was born and how he loves carrots or how little Megan learned to walk when she was ten months old and is as smart as a computer. Yeah, a computer who eats paste and craps itself. I’m interested in these things if it’s a kid of someone I know, but not a complete stranger. Sorry, maybe I’m just an asshole. But I’m not going to go up to some stranger at “Playtime” and say, “Yeah, I’m Fisty Brick and this is Fisty, Jr. He loves creamed spinach and humping his teddy bears.” I was there for about ten minutes.

Well, have a great day! I’m a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it!


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