How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Happy Birthday, Jerk!!!

Work is really busy. And stuff keeps changing. My group will have a new manager in two weeks, which will make it the third different one in less than four months. Love the corporate world! And I’m not really looking forward to it. Here is an excerpt from an IM session between Caddylac and I after I told him about the new manager, who he used to have as his manager:

Me: Hey man, my group is getting a new manager. It’s gonna be “Buffy”.

Caddylac: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Me: Yeah, thanks a lot.

Caddylac: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Me: Screw you, a-hole!

Caddylac: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

So basically, I’m not looking forward to the change. And I hate Caddylac. Well, I can’t hate him too much since it’s his birthday today. So happy birthday, Caddylac! And quit being such a douchebag to me!

Wednesday night was the last night of bowling for the year. We just messed around and just bowled for kicks, and it was pretty fun. And my wife and son came up to see me, so I was really excited about that. It really pumped me up and got me in a good mood. He even wore a bowling shirt. He seemed to really like the bowling alley. Lots of noises and lights. Plus, my friend Faith gave him a stuffed animal doggy, so he had to love that. Afterwards a few of us went out since it was the last night and sung some karaoke. It was pretty fun, and I sang a couple of songs and made an ass out of myself like I normally do. Although a few things disturbed me. One of which was hearing that “Save a Horse…Ride a Cowboy!” song. Holy shit is that one dumb fucking song! And it was made worse by everyone at my table singing it to me. Thanks guys. Why don’t you just plunge those knives into my ears too? It would hurt them about the same. Also, I found out that Rob Deer and his girlfriend, EJ, like country music. (EJ is really a big fan of Tim Hill, Faith Hill’s husband.) Whenever a country song came on, they’d be sure to sing it to me. The only good things though were that Therese and I sang “I Got You, Babe” and EJ did her Cher impression, which was pretty good. But they need to end that country music crap. At least around me.

If I can’t believe ”Star” magazine, really, what can I believe?

Last night at volleyball was okay. We went 6-0, but it was fucking cold and I was really tired and had a stomach ache. And the girls on the second team we played liked to wear sweatpants rolled at the waist to show their stomachs and lower back tattoos, which weren’t well-received by the girls on our team. I don’t think the guys minded, although it would have been better if they would have been better-looking. That always helps.

Here's a test, courtesy of Doncock: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=16336235046633759176

Well, you have yourselves a great weekend. Be sure to watch some exciting soccer action on ESPN 2 tomorrow, unless you’ll be there in person like me. What a lucky guy I am!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose!

Hmm…yesterday was a long ass day. I’ve been getting slammed at work the past couple of weeks, and not in a good Demi Moore in “Disclosure” kind of way. And this isn’t directed at anyone who reads this blog, but so many people have been bothering me at my cubical lately, telling me stupid stories about stupid shit. I’m a pretty nice guy, and I go along with them, but it’s really starting to get annoying. I normally wouldn’t care that much, but it’s just that there have been so many of them lately. “Hey Fisty, let me tell you about my pants.” “The waiter was so bad, Fisty. They brought me a Diet Coke instead of a regular one!” Shit like that. I JUST WANT TO WORK PEOPLE!!! Well, I really don’t, but I need to. Fucking jobs!

True story: Yesterday at work, I was in my cube working, and someone was asking the girl who sits behind me a question. The girl said, “Well who am I gonna call?” and this guy peaks out of his cube and said, “Ghostbusters!” He thought that was hilarious. In 1984, maybe a week after the movie and song came out, that was probably mildly funny. Mildly. But twenty-one years later?!?!? Really fucking weak. So now I’m preparing myself for other comments that I expect to come out in the coming months. I’m bracing myself to hear other dated catch-phrases like “Kiss my grits!” “Sit on it!” and “Quit licking my ball sack, ALF!”

My wife gets “People Magazine”, and one of the recent covers there was a side story about Mariah Carey that said “How I Changed My Look!” I didn’t read the article, but I think I can sum it up in eight words: “I bought myself a huge, new, magnificent rack.” I don’t think there could really be much more to it.

I get “Entertainment Weekly”. Every third column, Stephen King writes about something that he (and not third person referrer Fist Tickle Brick) finds interesting. The latest one is about music. He has a list of like a dozen songs that people should download. He writes this like he has this list of songs that are hidden gems. One of the songs is Sublime’s “What I Got”, which is probably one of the ten most heard songs on the radio by me in the past ten years. Seriously. I wonder why he didn’t tell me to download U2’s “Beautiful Day” and “Alive” by Pearl Jam too. But I don’t really even care that much about that. I think what bothers me most about the article is that I care about as much about what music Stephen King recommends as I would a column about Lara Flynn Boyle’s favorite restaurants or Tommy Lee’s top grooming tips.

Well, I’ve got a lot of shit to do so that I can complain about it to you in tomorrow’s entry. ‘Cause that’s my style, bee-yotches.

Fist Tickle Brick

P.S. Speaking of bee-yotches…Happy Birthday, Dahl-beeyotch! (My wife says so too!) Thirty ain’t so bad! Okay, that’s a lie. But have a great one!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I Also Really Like "Robly"

I made my wife mad last night when I told her I wanted to name our next child after the Chiefs fourth round draft pick in this weekend’s NFL draft. I think he has a lovely name.

I saw that Elton John was engaged. Hmm…I wonder who the lucky lady is.

When I turned on the TV this morning to watch “Happy Days” while I fed my son, I noticed that they went back to the first episode. That means that I wasn’t able to see the controversial final episode where Howard (a.k.a. “Mr. C.”) goes on a killing spree after catching Joanie and Jenny Piccolo having some hot lesbian sex after Joanie left Chachi at the alter. I’m kinda bummed, because I wonder if he went “medieval” on Fonzie’s ass like he did to his oldest son Chuck after he lost the big basketball game in the first season (in case you wondered whatever happened to Chuck). Damn my bad luck!

I was watching some David Blaine special on TLC last night (I think it was some program that ABC aired a couple of years ago). My favorite part wasn’t one of Blaine’s tricks. My favorite parts were that when Blaine was in Nashville, he did his trick for some white-trash jack-o-lantern teethed woman, when he was in New Orleans, he did his trick for a bunch of poor black women with really thick Cajun accents, and when he was in New York City, he did his tricks for a bunch of fucking morons. What stereotyping?!?!?

Do you think Lorraine Bracco was depressed because “The Sopranos” hasn’t really been that good the last two seasons or because it takes about three years to come up with a new season that will be much worse than the previous one? Just curious.

I think I really like the trend of calling couples by one word, a combination of both names. First there was “Bennifer”, which of course was Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Then there was “Bennifer” (again), which is Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, which made me not like the trend so much. And now there is Romber, which is Rob and Amber from “Survivor” and “The Amazing Race”. I wasn’t sure how cool this was at first, but then I tried to do this with my friends. When I put my friend’s and his wife’s names together, it came to “Andna”. It’s okay sounding, but nothing that will start a trend with my group of friends. My brother-in-law and his wife would be “Dontie”, which is also so-so. My wife and my name would be really lame. But then I figured out the engaged couple that we play volleyball with would be “Miren”. I really kinda like that. But then the kicker: one of our best friends name would be “Adika”, I think that’s awesome. “Adika! Adika! Adika!” Sounds like something Al Pacino would chant.

Well, this has been a real hoot! We’ll all have to do this again tomorrow!

Monday, April 25, 2005

It Was Great Knowing You, Surreal Lifers!

It’s a little sad seeing the end of “Surreal Life 4”, but it was a pretty good season. I think I’d rank it as the third best, although it was close to Season 1 (Seasons 2, 1, 4, and 3 would be my rankings). I’m wondering if they’re going to do a spin-off type show with Adrienne and Chris. I’d be interested in watching that. I mean, I watched every episode of “Strange Love”, and I don’t really like either Flavor Flav or Brigitte. I like both Chris and Adrienne, and as an added bonus Adrienne is freaking hot. Brigitte is nasty. She is the world’s oldest looking 41-year-old. Anyway, I’m sad it’s over. And I cannot wait for Season 5 to start up.

You know, I really should have done a running diary of last night’s show. If I did, here are a couple of things I would have written:

There’s a scene where everyone is at the final dinner sitting around the table, and they get up to toast something. They show Chyna from behind, and you could see her microphone pack inside of her bikini bottom on her ass. It reminded me of the end of “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” when they revealed Sean Young’s “hemorrhoids”. You know, now I’m not really even sure that was her microphone pack. Maybe Chyna is Ray Finkle?

Do you think in his wildest dreams that Chris ever thought he’d land Adrienne? Ever? Seriously, what do you think going into the show would be his ideal outcome? Maybe people would see him as a great guy, he could get some commercial or guest starring work, and maybe make a few bucks signing autographs at nostalgia conventions (or at http://www.autographedtoyou.com/Christopher-Knight-autograph.htm)? Well he did way better than that. First of all, at least for me, he had a complete image makeover. I thought he was going to be some aging has-been who I’d like, but would just come across to me like Estrada or Coulier did. Now he’s a buff, good looking guy who I’ve had a least a half dozen women tell me was “hot”. Secondly, he came across not only as a nice guy, but he came across as a really cool guy. I didn’t see that coming. And finally, he hooked up with one of the hottest chicks around. Adrienne has cracked my “Top 5” list. If you would have told me that Peter Fucking Brady was gonna have one of the hottest women in the world all over him, I would have told you that you’re a fucking idiot because that’s more ridiculous than Ron Jeremy and Tammy Faye becoming good friends. Marcus Schenkenberg I could have seen her trying to get . I would have almost believed Mini-Me over Chris beforehand. Now I totally get it, and I could even see him land his own sitcom or something. Good for him.

Question of the Day:
I was at a Brewers game last Saturday. Today is Thursday and I still do not have full vocal capability. The blame for this falls squarely on the shoulders of one Scott Rolen. He forced me to heckle him when he booted a warm up "grounder" between innings. Now anyone with any amount of common courtesy would turn around at some point when someone is constantly screaming your name and insulting your mother. Since he took a stand and wouldn't even glance out of the corner of his eye, I was forced to continue my insults. My question is this, if my voice never fully recovers, do I have substantial grounds for a lawsuit? And as a follow up question, if you answer yes to the above question, can you recommend a lawyer since Cochrane is no longer available? Thank you and good day sir.

Six Pat

Dear Six Pat,
Interesting question. I think under normal situations (like if you saw him on the street or at a restaurant) you could sue him. But I think the back of your ticket stub has a disclaimer stating that you can’t sue for losing your voice yelling at a douchebag St. Louis Cardinal. I’m not positive, but I think you’re out of luck. If I am wrong, sue away. As for lawyer advice, I’m not sure where to go. I would not recommend you hiring California attorney Ronald S. Miller, a.k.a. Don Hollywood (http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/0421PornLawyer21-ON.html). That would be dangerous. Because I’m pretty sure after having contact with him, you might have to change your name to a Michael Vick approved name (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0405051vick1.html). If I were you, I’d go with Paulie Scotland. I know this hasn’t been ideal advice for you, but I have to tell it like I see it.

Well, have a great week. Mine will be busy, so I will do my best to write my entries early. Love ya!

Friday, April 22, 2005

Do You Know Who I Am?!?!?

You know what I think would be funny? If every time someone got pulled over by the cops, he/she would respond, “Do you know who I am?!?!?” I mean, celebrities do it all the time (allegedly), so it would be interesting to see how a cop would respond if some nobody like me said it. Maybe they’d even let me off without a ticket if they had a sense of humor. I think I’d say that to a cop, and when he gave me a puzzled look I’d just say, “Sorry, I heard Webster got out of his ticket by saying that, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” If I were a cop I’d let someone off who said that. But then again, I’m not a power-hungry prick.

I’ve really become a fan of “The Office” lately (the NBC one, as I’ve never seen the BBC one). It’s actually made me laugh out loud a few times. Anyway, lately at my work, I felt like I was a part of the show. It’s been odd. First of all, one of my coworkers told our manager that he was “The Voice of the Team” and was serious. I thought at first that the “Dwight” character on the show was a little over-the-top, but not anymore. That was very Dwight-like, and it found it hilarious. I like the guy, but man, that was pretty fucking arrogant. Anyway, I told my boss that I was “The Heart and Soul of the Team”. Also, my company is currently in a “March of Dimes” drive too. Some of you know that the “March of Dimes” is a charity that’s pretty close to my heart, as they work to help premature babies survive, and someday they may be able to save babies who were born premature like my daughter Lily, who would have turned two years old tomorrow. So I know that the charity is a serious thing, probably more than anyone else I know. It actually still tears me up thinking about it, and with all the March of Dimes posters, emails, and stickers that I see at work every day, it gets me down a little. Anyway, they have all these things going on for it: “Jeans Day”, stuffed animal sales, silent auctions, and a “carnival” at my work. The carnival consisted of two coolers of soda, a popcorn machine, an ice cream truck, and a “stroller derby”. The stroller derby was some relay race where the teams went around with a doll in a stroller and changed the doll’s diaper, clothes, and rocked and burped the doll (I think). It was pretty fucking stupid. One team of guys even wore dresses. And these people were taking it very seriously. In one of the heats, these two guys got tangled up and a guy fell over. It would be impossible for me to explain in words how stupid this was. The best I could do is say that it was as stupid and embarrassing as watching Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, and Corey Feldman having a spelling contest would be. I only stayed to watch it because the alternative was going back to my cubical to work, and it was a much tougher decision than you’d think.

Last night at volleyball I made a funny joke, but no one laughed at it. See if you get it. We were playing, and a ball was hit near Nick who had his hands on hips. My wife and brother-in-law were giving him crap about it. My wife said, “Not having your hands on your hip is Nick’s Rule!” And I said, “I thought Nick’s Rule was just to not get any in his eye.” Maybe my porno-related humor just isn’t broad enough.

Well, you have a great weekend. Or not. What do I care? Actually, I do care a lot. Maybe too much. So much that it hurts. I love you guys. Well, at least a few of you.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Random Ramblings

So how are you guys doing today? That’s fantastic! I’m doing okay. Last night was the last real night of bowling, as next week we get our prize money and then can go home. Some people talked about going out instead to celebrate the end of another magnificent bowling season, but we’ll see how that goes. I went to the bar across the street for about 30 minutes last night as a friend of Team Wal-Mart’s who I had met a few times at bowling is moving today to Ohio. It was actually okay, as the one girl who was puking and swearing at me when I was helping her drunk-ass get to her dad’s car a few weeks ago sincerely apologized to me for that, so that was good to hear. At least a lot better to hear than “Fuck you, asshole!” when I bought her a Mountain Dew that night. I didn’t see much of Rob Deer, Therese, or the real Rob since they were bowling at the other end of the alley (and were busy locking up last place), but it was an okay night. Even if I bowled like crap and we lost all seven points.

What kind of a world do we live in where Georgia police will give a speeding ticket to Chris Tucker and not give one to Webster? And both of these make national news? A pretty damn funny one.

Although at the same time, it’s a sad world. If Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton can’t work past their differences, who can? I’m crushed. Although the rumor about Paris hating Nicole because at a party to watch a tape of Paris’s hosting of “Saturday Night Live”, Nicole switched the tape with Paris’s porno is pretty damn funny.

And why does news of Ben Affleck allegedly getting engaged make headlines anymore? Wouldn’t you think being in pieces of shit like “Gigli”, “Surviving Christmas”, “Pearl Harbor”, “Forces of Nature”, “Reindeer Games”, and “Bounce” would make him no longer interesting to the public. Maybe if he made a good movie anytime soon, I would understand it. But does anyone really see that happening anytime soon? I didn’t think so.

Speaking of “Bounce”, a local TV station has a contest where contestants get to give a one-minute review of a movie, and then the best one wins a pass to see the Kansas City premiere of the new “Star Wars” movie and then review it for the station. I think it would be worth entering so I could use my “Bounce” review and say, “I could eat a canister of film and crap a better movie than that!” on TV. I think that’d make me a legend. At least in my mind.

Question of the day:

Since I don't have a magic eight ball or a Mentalo, I will ask you F.T.B. I have a job interview on Thursday, will I get the job?

Six

Dear Six,
Absolutely. You are going to nail it! Be confident. Just make sure you ask them questions like as to why you should want to work for them. For some reason that always seems to work. By the way, what’s the job for? Peep show mop-up duty? Rectal thermometer tester? Anyway, good luck. And in the future, if you still don’t have a magic eight-ball, you can always look to your eight-ball jacket for advice.


Well, have a great day. Work’s gonna suck for me for a while. Even more so.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Bet On The Nigerian!

Congratulations to the Catholics for electing your new Pope. Although I think if I were the new Pope, I’d have picked a name other than Benedict XVI. I was looking at a list of the previous Benedicts, and five of them were only around for one year each, and three more were Popes for less than four years. And that’s not even talking about Benedict IX, whose reign as King of the Catholics was mired in controversy and chock full o’ trouble. I mean, especially if I was 78 years old, I’d pick a name that had a tradition of being around a while. That is unless you can have whatever Pope name you want, and then I think I’d be Pope Rock Hungwell I. That would make ‘em flock to the church!

The Wacky Arquettes (that’s Courteney and David) are pissed off that there are unauthorized photos of their 10-month-old daughter Coco floating around on the internet. They are so mad, they are thinking of suing someone. I sort of see their point, with all the crap going around in the world, but really…if anyone should get sued, shouldn’t it be the Wacky Arquettes for naming their kid Coco? I’m sure that kid won’t get picked on too much for that.

Fucking Brewers!!!

“American Pie” actress (not “star” as some publications have reported) Natasha Lyonne is a freakin’ nutcase. She really needs her own reality show, or at least needs to be on “Surreal Life 6”. So in December she went into a neighbor’s apartment and started screaming and ripped a mirror off the wall. And then (this is almost as funny as it is disturbing), she threatened to molest the neighbor’s dog. Molest the dog?!?!? Okay, maybe she shouldn’t have her own reality show. That’s more along the line of an R. Kelly underground video. But I can’t wait to see what zany hi-jinx PETA will do to Lyonne after this!

If I already wrote this, then I apologize, but how do you think Mark Gastineau feels about having two of his babies’ mamas being on their own reality shows? Although I’m not sure what’s worse: having one ex acting like a 21-year-old with your twenty-something daughter or having the other have sex with Flavor Flav. Either way, he sure can pick ‘em.

Well, that’s it. Maybe send an email to fistticklebrick@yahoo.com so I can answer your question. That would be nice. If that happened, along with me not even having to use my AK, I’d have to say it’d be a good day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I Would Be Interested If Kim Were On "Surreal Life" Though

I’m kinda in a good mood today. First of all, it’s my son’s first birthday today, so that’s kinda cool. His car seat now gets to face forward, so that’s pretty exciting. I’m also happy about a couple of things TV related, which I know is pretty lame, but cut me some freaking slack, okay. I really only watch a handful of shows. I watch “The Office”, which has been pretty funny for the two or three episodes that I’ve seen (I missed the pilot). Besides that, the only shows that I have TiVo’d the entire series for are “24” and “Surreal Life”. Well, last night on “24” (this shouldn’t be a spoiler alert if you haven’t seen last night’s episode yet) at the end they showed scenes from next week’s episode, and they’re bringing back President Pedro Cerrano!!! I was pumped. That led to this exchange with my wife:

Me: “Sweet! They’re bringing back the best character the show’s ever had!”
Wife: “What are you talking about? Kief’s the best character, and Kim was probably the second best. Then maybe your guy.”
Me: “What?!?!? Are you fucking joking with me? Kim?!?!? You liked it when she got caught in the bear trap, or was being chased by a cougar? (Heavy sarcasm) Yeah, she was a solid character!”
Wife: “I’m just giving you shit because I know you think Kim was terrible.”
Me: “You better be kidding! I don’t know if I could go on being married to someone who thinks Kim was better than Cerrano!”

After that I took a valium and I was much better.

The other thing has to do an email that my father-in-law (as long as my wife still believes that Kim was much worse than President Cerrano) sent me about the upcoming season of “Surreal Life”. I don’t know the exact source (I don’t want any Jayson Blair comparisons), but if this paragraph doesn’t get you pumped up about “Surreal Life 5”, you are a miserable human being and I hate you and your empty soul:

“ANDY Dick was such a jerk during a guest appearance on VH1's "The Surreal Life" that "producers and security had to wrestle him to the ground in order to throw him off the set," said an insider. "Andy was completely out of control." The show's fifth season, which just wrapped, starred Jose Canseco, Sandi "Pepa" Denton, Bronson Pinchot, London model Caprice Bourret, and two other women who didn't get along at all — Janice Dickinson and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Dickinson referred to the former "Apprentice" as "Omagrossa." During a photo shoot with the whole cast, Omarosa became hysterical at the sight of Janice holding a prop knife, our spy said. Omarosa told Dickinson to "back the [bleep] up with that knife," causing Dickinson to taunt: "Who wants a haircut?" Omarosa then exploded in a tirade of expletives, scaring the rest of the cast so much that they all left the shoot.”

Holy crap do I want the new season to start now!

Last night there was this “Parents as Teachers” thing at a nearby community center called “Daddy and Me Playtime” or something like that that I took my kid to. I figured it’d give him a chance to play with other kids and play with new toys, so we went there. I got there, and it kinda blew. Maybe because my kid is only one year old, but it just wasn’t for us. First of all, the lady who was running it made a big stink about kids putting toys in their mouth. Okay, every toy that my kid has in his hand goes into his mouth. So every time he touched a toy for five seconds, I had to put it in the sink to be washed. Also, there were way too many kids there, and most of them were probably two-to-three years old. Thirdly, the toys were crap. Maybe it’s because my kid just got new toys for his birthday, but the toys at this place were garbage. I mean, the only toys that seemed decent were the Barbie dollhouses and stuff like that, and I’m not gonna encourage him to play with those. And lastly, I love my kid, and I could talk about him all day, but I don’t. I have other interests. Being at this place was like being at the dog park, where every person would ask you a question just so you could reply with some sort of question to ask them so they could tell you all about their beloved Rufus. Every parent I saw asked me how old he was, and then went into some story about how Ayden was 9 lbs. 7 oz. when he was born and how he loves carrots or how little Megan learned to walk when she was ten months old and is as smart as a computer. Yeah, a computer who eats paste and craps itself. I’m interested in these things if it’s a kid of someone I know, but not a complete stranger. Sorry, maybe I’m just an asshole. But I’m not going to go up to some stranger at “Playtime” and say, “Yeah, I’m Fisty Brick and this is Fisty, Jr. He loves creamed spinach and humping his teddy bears.” I was there for about ten minutes.

Well, have a great day! I’m a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

What a long, draining weekend! Basically, I am exhausted. I don’t even remember what I did Friday night. I think I just played with my son, gave him a bath, and watched the Royals actually win a game. I’m pretty sure I was in bed before 10 PM. On Saturday, we had a wedding to go to as well as a birthday party afterwards. I even had to decline an invite to Rob Deer’s house to watch some UFC action. Three events in one day for me is a record! But on a sad note, when I woke up and checked my email, I saw an email from my mom telling me that my Aunt Mary had died. It is for the best I know, and I didn’t really even know her all that well, but she was so nice and sweet and I’m pretty sad about it. I think that I kept up appearances pretty well at both the wedding and for the hour that I was at the party, but I know I wasn’t myself. But both were nice and it was good to try to get my mind off things for a while. On Sunday, we were having a small birthday party for my son’s first birthday with the family, so we cleaned the house and yard most of the day until the party, which went really well. I was surprised, as I really didn’t know what to expect. But it was fun for me, and the kid did rather well. After the party, we cleaned again, and went to bed. And I didn’t sleep well, which brings me to being sluggish today.

Git ‘er done! Git ‘er done! Git ‘er done! Yeah, that’s still hilarious.

I’m cool with the whole exposed midriff fashion craze that is going on, but there has to be some sort of list of rules put in place for it. If I see another overweight 15-year-old wearing one that makes her fat stomach stick out and look pregnant, I will have officially seen one million of them. I don’t get it. It’s not flattering. Maybe it’s the international signal for “I’m willing to sleep with anyone” and I just don’t know it, but it’s not a good thing. Hot NFL cheerleader? That’s okay. 5’2” 190 lbs. 17-year-old skank? Not so good.

You know, I’m all for helping people, but there is no way I’m ever going to Iraq to help rebuild Baghdad. While I’ll feel really sorry for these people who get kidnapped and/or killed, part of me wants to say “Haven’t you seen the news?!?!? They don’t like Americans, even if you’re trying to help them. They don’t want your help!” Maybe I’m just selfish, because I just don’t want to hear about beheadings and car-bombs any longer. But really, even if you think what you’re doing is noble (which it is) and “the right thing to do” (which is probably isn’t), you’re only asking for trouble, which will bring grief to your loved ones. Go donate time to the Salvation Army instead, where most Americans will actually appreciate your help. And most likely will not get kidnapped because you are American.

Nothing against the NRA, but any organization or side of an argument where Ted Nugent is one of your most vocal and quite possibly most influential members isn’t a good thing. Sure, he’s interesting in a “What is that kook gonna say or do next?” kinda way, but I don’t want him speaking out for something I believe in. I’d almost rather have Jose Canseco or Courtney Love as my spokesperson.

Well, have a great week, and if you come by my cube this afternoon and I’m asleep, please wake me up. I don't want to get fired today. Thanks.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

All About Britney!!!

First of all, I have to say, I had no idea that that bumper sticker really was from a country song. Secondly, I had no idea that so many of you who read my daily bullshit listened to country music enough to know that. And thirdly, I cannot believe how many of you sent me IMs or emails letting me know that you actually liked that song. Taste in music aside, you seriously like a song with the words, “Save a horse…ride a cowboy!” in it? I really don’t know what to say or write about that. I think even the Bloodhound Gang would find that a little much. Okay, maybe not.

I’m not sure what news is more interesting to me: the fact that Britney Spears is pregnant or that her loser husband, Kevin, is working to become, in his own words, “the next Eminem”. I’m going with the latter, since nothing can make you more legit as a rapper, and a white rapper with cornrows no less, than being a former back-up dancer for a female pop singer. I’m pretty sure that I have more street cred than Kevin Spears does. Well, maybe at least as much.

But I do think Britney will be a great mom. I’m sure that she will have great answers for her kid’s questions like “Why were you kissing that old lady with tongue that one time on TV?”, “Isn’t it unhealthy to walk barefoot into a gas station bathroom?”, and “Why does daddy smell exactly like that guy who asks us for quarters by the bus station?”

And Britney’s new reality show has to be sponsored by Red Bull, right?

I’d tell you all about last night at bowling, but it was pretty uneventful. I bowled okay, didn’t drink, we bowled Team Wal-Mart, and it was too hot in there. We have an outside chance to win the league, but it’s pretty unlikely. That’s about the extent of it. Maybe I’ll have something more interesting to tell you tomorrow about tonight, since it’s beer night and I will be watching everyone else act like idiots instead of me doing the dumb stuff (I’m the DD). So that way, I’ll actually remember things. Woo hoo!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Oh Yeah, One More Thing!

Happy Birthday, Six Pat! Now that you're single, I can write that. And I can write about your seedy past. How awesome! Have a great 30th!!!

Okay, another thing too: I've now been writing an online journal for two years now. I started in April of 2003, and here I am, still writing. After only a couple of incidents. Congratulations me!

Save A Bike...Ride Me! (Wow, That's Almost As Clever!)

Sorry that there wasn’t much of an entry yesterday, but I wasn’t feeling too good. Neither physically nor mentally. I drank way too much on Monday, and I’m pretty embarrassed about it. I guess that’s what I should expect drinking 9% alcohol beer, and a whole lot of it. Not one of my finer moments. I need to realize that I’m not 21 and I am married with a kid. Anyway, I think I had fun, even though the Royals lost. At least that’s what I read online yesterday.

This weekend my wife and I went and saw “Fever Pitch”. The movie was okay, better than I thought it would be in parts, but the ending was pure horseshit. If you like romantic comedies with that all seem to have the same ending, then you might like it. Also, it starred Jimmy Fallon, who usually sucks. He still sucked a little, but not as much as he usually sucks. I think part of me liked the movie because we took the trip to Boston about two years ago, and we had a great time, especially at the game. That probably made me tolerate Fallon more than I normally would if he was a Mets or White Sox fan in the movie. Also, the movie also had some nice accents. I’m not recommending this movie to anyone, but it was okay.

As I drove into work this morning, I think I saw the number one most white trash and stupid bumper sticker in my life. Even worse than the Calvin pissing stickers. It read, “Save a Horse…Ride a Cowboy!” Oh man, that is some clever shit. It sounds like a cheesy line that some country singer would sing about, but I don’t even think any of them would write something so crappy. Well, Toby Keith would, the true American patriot that he is. Ride a cowboy?!?!? Is that bumper sticker aimed at the chicks that they refer to in my spam emails that say, “Watch hot teens get fucked by a horse with a 26-inch cock”? Because if that were the case, I think the bumper sticker would be better if it said, “Save your snatch…ride a cowboy instead of that horse with the 26-inch cock!” At least it would be helpful to those teens.

Oh yeah, I think it’s about time for everyone in the world to stop using the phrase, “Get ‘er done!” Please! I beg of you. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, and it makes you sound like you’re a truck stop cashier from Arkansas. (Yes, I realize that by writing that I’m going to have everyone I know who reads this say that to me all the time now, but hopefully by doing so they will realize how dumb it is too and it will really be driven into the ground and eventually never be uttered again. Because seriously, it needs to stop.) Thank you for your time.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What Has Two Thumbs And Is A Complete Moron?

This guy!

Friday, April 08, 2005

FU MF'ers...J/K

I had an “All-Hands” meeting with my group yesterday, and it was really exciting. As they all are. Anyway, my job is chock full o’ acronyms. I kept track of the acronyms that we displayed on the Power Point presentation over a ten minute period (not the acronyms that were discussed aloud), and here how many there were: PAM, MOPS, CND, ASR, CTX, MTTR, SS7, FOC, CCD, IMT, WSWC, ITS, NCD, OIT, LINK, AMIT, and WWG. That’s 17 in ten minutes. Impressive. And that doesn’t even deal with most of the stuff I have to deal with. Here is a sentence that would make sense to people I work with, and this is a common issue: “The LEC called and said there was a CNR issue, so we have to have the SIS or TAC change the CCD and then we can SUP the ASR for a new CWD, and then we’ll get a new FOC.” Seriously, how ridiculous is that. It’s really just a bunch of BS.

The whole news coverage of the Michael Jackson trial makes me want to vomit. If I never have to hear or read about him making out with Macaulay Culkin and tickling little boys, like I overheard the very manly Robin Roberts discuss on “Good Morning, America” this morning, I will be a better person.

Last night we had our first day of volleyball, and besides it being a little chilly, it was fun. And we actually did really well, winning all six of our games. We have some new teammates this year, since one of the girls on our team before is pregnant. I think it’ll be a fun season, as I had more fun last night than I thought I would, and I didn’t even drink much. Anyway, I don’t have much going on this weekend. Probably some yard work, and that’s about it. I won’t have an entry on Monday since I’ll be going to the Royals’ Home Opener, so this will have to make due for now. Entertain yourselves in my absence with the chatterbox. So, have a great weekend, and I will talk to you later.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

It's Round, It's Got Three Holes, And You Put Your Fingers In It!

So how’s it going? I’m doing okay. Bowling was okay. There are only two or three weeks left, so I’m running out of time to get my average over 200 (still stuck at 199). Nothing too eventful happened last night, which I guess is a positive as opposed to carrying out puking, cursing, drunk girl. Tonight sand volleyball starts, so hopefully it’ll be a lot of fun. Hmm…what else? Six Pat was supposed to come into town this weekend, but he had to back out. Something about his boy-pussy hurting, I think. Besides that, we hired some guys to redo our bathroom, and they’re starting it soon. So it would have been a little crazy with everyone having to share the same bathroom. Oh well, that’s my story for now.

You know, I’m kinda pissed off that the Pope didn’t leave me anything in his will.

Pink Ladee: The gay amendment passed (despite my wife’s and my “No” votes) by a 71 to 29 percent margin, so now same-sex marriages are still as illegal as they were before the amendment passed. Whew! That was a close one. I feel so much better now knowing that homosexuals cannot get married in my state. I also feel great about that fact that one of the state senators said on the news, “I honestly believe that the homosexuals do not want long-term monogamous relationships.” That is awesome! This guy is a fucking state senator, and he said this. On camera. They didn’t show anymore of his comments besides that, but I bet he added to those comments with something like “Because them homos just like to hop from bed to bed, screwing whatever they can, whether it’s other homos or even animals. What’s next? Them homos are gonna want to marry their dogs? Criminy!” I honestly don’t think I could be more embarrassed to live in Kansas in 2005 than I do. What a crock of shit!

How ‘bout dem Brewers?!?!?!?

Vincent Pastore lived up to his character’s name on “The Sopranos” the other day when he beat up his fiancé. “Big Pussy” is the perfect name for him after that.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today. Just so you know, there is a new “chatterbox” on the right of the screen right below my profile if you guys want to have a chat with others. So have fun with it, and I’ll talk to you later. Love ya!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Maybe They Could Call It "Eau de Dirty Ditch"

What I meant to say yesterday was that beside Prince Rainier of Monaco, I would pick Mickey Rooney in the dead pool. I figured you already knew the Prince would have been my guess though.

Hmm…so what’s going on with me? Well, I don’t really like talking about myself, but since you asked…I’m feeling much better. I’ve actually worked out the last two days without coughing non-stop, so that’s something. I still cough up phlegm like a phlegm factory (if there was such a magical place as a phlegm factory), but I’m doing aw-ight. Last night was interesting. Okay, not really, but for the sake of argument, let’s pretend. My son didn’t eat that well at dinner, as he kept throwing up. My wife left to go out for her girls’ night out. After I changed my son’s puke-covered clothes, I got a call from my wife. Apparently no one else showed up at her girls’ night. I looked at her emailed invitation, and her girls’ night is actually scheduled for April 12th. So that was mildly entertaining to me, but mostly because when she walked in the door she gave my son a big hug and said, “Your mommy is really stupid!” I don’t know why that was so funny to me, but it was (I’m sure you don’t know why that was funny either). After that we put him to bed, but he didn’t fall asleep. I went up to work out, and when I came downstairs when I was done, Mrs. Brick was rocking ‘Lil Brick who was crying. His upper teeth are coming in so I think he’s in a little pain. Right now he has fangs. I think the front teeth will be coming in soon, but for right now, he looks like a baby vampire. I’m not going to call him Lestat, because I never saw that one movie or read any of Anne Rice’s books. So besides that, the only other vampires I can think of where I actually know their names are Dracula, Count Chocula, and the Count from “Sesame Street”, so I guess I won’t be calling him by any vampire names. Kinda takes the fun out of it, but I’ll have to live with that. Anyway, he eventually fell asleep, and we watched the rest of “Amazing Race” which I’m actually starting to get into. Even if they don’t have a midget on it this season.

(Sarcasm) I am so excited that Britney Spears and her backup dancer, er, husband will be starring in their own reality show. I think it will be really interesting to see her walking around with her bag of Cheetos and Red Bull as she shops for t-shirts with clever sayings like “I’m a virgin” on it. Oh, that Britney sure can show off her personality with her wacky t-shirts. Hopefully we’ll get to see their trips to the salon so we can see her hubby get his corn-rows, because he sure doesn’t look at all like an idiot when he has the ‘rows working. I doubt we’ll be that lucky though. (End of sarcasm). I think instead we’ll get to see her out promoting her new fragrance “Curious”. Two things about Britney having her own perfume: Why the name “Curious”? When I think of Britney Spears, curiosity isn’t in the picture. Nothing about her really peaks my curiosity, except why she married two guys in one year and why the one she stayed with seems like the biggest white trash loser ever. Every time that I see him I think of Jamie Kennedy in “Malibu’s Most Wanted”. I think a better name for her perfume would be “WT Skank”, although I heard Christina Aguilera might have already took that name. And what self-respecting woman would want to wear the perfume named after Spears? I’ve never ran into her before, but I’m imagining that she’d smell like a combination of vodka vomit, cigarettes, Federline B.O., and cat piss. Maybe I’m alone in my thoughts about her, but I really think she’s headed straight down the path previously traveled by Sally Struthers, Anna Nicole Smith, and Kirstie Alley. She needs an image makeover soon.

Have a fantastic fucking day!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Are The Royals Mathematically Out Of It Now?

Okay, let me get this off my chest. I am not one of those KU fans that never wanted Roy Williams to ever win at North Carolina. I’m not really like that. Now I didn’t want him to win with Matt Doherty’s players or in only his second season, but it’s not a “nightmare” like I’ve heard some KU fans (who I believe are the vocal minority) say. Part of me is happy for him. Part of me is a little jealous about it, as my wife said last night. I think it wouldn’t have been so bad if KU didn’t lose in the first round to Buck-freaking-nell. But anyway, I’m not pissed off, and I’m not looking for a sharp knife to plunge into my jugular. The only thing that pisses me off about the whole thing is when CBS showed fans celebrating at the Dean Smith Dome in Chapel Hill. Because I can’t fucking stand Dean Smith.

How ‘bout those Brewers!!!

I’ve had a few people ask me who the third person was that is going to die, since celebrities always die in threes after Terry Schiavo and the Pope just died. First of all, Terri Schiavo wasn’t a celebrity. She was only known because she was going to die. Anyway, I think we’ve already had our three. I think that it was Johnnie Cochran, the Pope, and the chicken guy Frank Perdue. If Perdue isn’t good enough for you then I’ll say it was John DeLorean. If DeLorean doesn’t qualify as a big enough celebrity for you, then I’m guessing it will be Mickey Rooney. I don’t know why (probably because I already thought he was dead), but that’s my guess.

Ugh, don’t remind me about the Royals!

There’s a vote today in the state of Kansas about a law to ban gay marriages. I’m truly embarrassed that this is going to be voted on. I cannot think of anything more ridiculous than passing a law that prevents two people who love each other from marrying. Not only that, but if this law passes, it’ll make it easier for companies to not allow same-sex couples benefits that are afforded to different-sex couples. And that’s just bullshit. The sad thing is that Kansas is one of the reddest assed of the red states, and this law will pass by probably a 3-to-1 margin. I will vote against it (and not because the woman in drag on the street corner that I passed on the way to work today told me to), and I encourage all Kansans to vote against it too. Because you’re probably friends with someone who’s gay or have a gay relative, and at least vote against it for them. I’m pretty sure my uncle is gay. But not my one brother. He’s not gay! At all! Nope! He’s as straight as Rob Deer says that Rob Deer is. They are both straight and they know it. But seriously, please vote “No” on this law. You’ll feel better about yourself. And it’s the right thing to do. (That’s about as political as I get.)

Monday, April 04, 2005

My Exciting Weekend

I feel like I accomplished a lot this weekend. I didn’t really, but for me it felt like I did. On Friday night I took all of our large trash items to the curb (with a little help from the old lady), and it was pretty funny watching all the scavengers come by to grab our and other people’s trash. My broken snowblower was on the curb at 4:45 PM and was gone by 4:55 PM. My broken large TV was only out there for maybe 30 minutes, and it would have been probably 15 if the first guy could have fit it in his car. My father-in-law’s impossible-to-fix lawn mower was gone in about five minutes. Even the three rolls of old carpet that were dog-piss stained and cut very poorly by me were gone within two hours. Two other things were also pretty funny to me: the fact that someone took my father-in-law’s old grill and then replaced it with another grill in my yard was nice; and that someone took just the middle piece of the nasty sectional couch was interesting. I think next time they have large trash pick-up, I’m going to out everything out on the curb at the same time, get a cooler of beer, a lawn chair, and just sit outside and watch everyone rummage through my useless crap. It should make for a fun night.

On Saturday, I took the diggity dogs to the vet, which was about a month and a half overdue. They were healthy, and they behaved better than they ever did before. After that, we played outside with the boy for a while, and then I went to work the MLS season opener. And boy was that exciting! It was a barn burner too, as the score was a 3-2, which I believe is a record for soccer. I don’t think a soccer game ever had more than four goals in it prior to that, at any level. Hot soccer action!

On Sunday, I woke up early to feed and play with the kid, and after he went to bed, I finished our taxes. I procrastinated on my second state form, because I knew we’d have to pay, but it was only $83. We have some left over from our federal return, so it’s no big deal. After lunch, we took the kid to the park (parks actually, since the big park had the little kids’ swings blocked off). The boy loves that swing. My wife even took him down the slide on her lap a few times. We came home, let him nap, and watched “Surreal Life” and “Strange Love” which we had TiVo’d from the morning airing. Da Brat sure is a bitch. I think it’s funny how some people will never take back anything they say ever, like they believe it’s a sign of weakness to do so. She called Jane from the Go-Go’s a “has-been”, which I’m not saying isn’t entirely true. But the thing is, who do you think would draw more people to see them if they toured, the Go-Go’s or Da Brat? It’s a Chyna (no-brainer), isn’t it? And if they came out with a new album, who’s would sell better when it debuted? No doubt in my mind that it’d be the Go-Go’s. So I just find that stupid that she’s say that. And Da Brat also said that she didn’t know if Chyna was a man or a woman. Good question. I don’t know either, but looking at Da Brat, it’s not so easy to tell what she is either. Sometimes I think she looks like Latrell Sprewell without the facial hair. When my son woke up, we fed him and took our dogs to the dog park, kind of a reward for being so good at the vet. We stayed there for about an hour, saw a good dog fight, and came home to call it a day. And that was my weekend.

Well, this weekend I learned that someone was on steroids. No, not Alex Sanchez of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. My diggity dog Clancy. He had some allergy in his eye, and he was on some sort of medicine, which I found out on Saturday was a steroid. That explains his erratic behavior and bacne. Just kidding. But I think that him being on “the juice” might taint his record of licking himself for four straight hours, although I’m not sure if they will remove that mark from the record books. I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, have yourself a great week.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Hey Guys, I'm Actually A Woman! April Fool's Day Is So Awesome!!!

I’m not a big fan of April Fool’s Day. At all. It’s just stupid, and it makes people who aren’t funny try to be funny. Like radio DJ’s. I haven’t heard any yet, but I’m positive that every show on the radio will do one, and they will think it is hilarious. Especially the sports talk radio. I’m pretty sure that today, according to local sports talk radio, the Chiefs will have traded for Peyton Manning or Ray Lewis, the Royals will have gotten Johan Santana or Ichiro Suzuki, the Wizards will have obtained David Beckham, Bill Self will get fired, and Tiger Woods and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will come out of the closet. Hilarious stuff. I’m sure the other stations will too, like some rock jock will say that Marilyn Manson will be engaged to Hilary Duff or some country music DJ will claim that Toby Keith isn’t a complete tool and fraud. So just be ready. I’m sure the next thing they’ll tell us is that the Pope is dead. Oh you shock jocks sure are a clever bunch!!!

So Noah Wyle is leaving “ER”. Hmm. Interesting, I guess, although that would be such a mean, cruel April Fool’s joke. I didn’t know it was even on anymore except TNT reruns. After Clooney and Gilbert Lowe left, I figured the show was off the air. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode, but I figured they had already run every major catastrophe to the ground. Monkey pox, floods, kids killing kids, Balco and HGH, weapons of mass destruction, rising oil prices, right to life, etc. Who’s even left on the show? Did they bring in Susan Dey or Bonnie Franklin to fill the role of head nurse? Anyway, with Wyle leaving, we’ll all be lucky enough to get to see him in more classic movies like “The Myth of Fingerprints” and “Can’t Stop Dancing”!!!

I think Courtney Love playing Linda Lovelace in a movie is about the same as Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts in “Ocean’s Twelve” or Eminem playing a white rapper from Detroit in “8 Mile”.

Well, that’s it for this week. This weekend should be exciting with it being “Large Trash Pickup” day tomorrow, along with a trip with the diggity dogs to the vet, and the season opener for the MLS. Although I’m not quite sure which of those will be the most exciting. Right now I’m leaning towards the trash pickup. Have a great weekend!