How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

I'm Not A Good Person!

So Terri Schiavo has finally died. Does anyone really think that she isn’t in a better place now than where she was the last 15 years? I’m not even that religious or spiritual, but really, death can’t be worse than where she was. In my politically incorrect statement of the month, let me say this: Schiavo was anorexic, so really don’t you think that having her feeding tube removed and dying of starvation is how she would have wanted to die? (I know. I’m going to hell, but not after living via feeding tubes for 15 years.)

The MLS Season Opener is only 2 days away!!! It should be an exciting season! Hahahahahaha!!! Man, I’m funny.

Pamela Anderson has a heavily promoted new show on Fox called “Stacked”, because it’s based in a bookstore and bookstores have stacks of books. I always thought that a better fit for her would have been that show “Titus”. Or since that show’s canceled, maybe they can make a show where she works for an air filter company and call it “HEPA”, like the air filter and vacuum company. Just an idea.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Now Only 158 Days Away!!!

I won’t be making any jokes about Johnnie Cochrane dying because of inoperable brain tumors (although I would never have guessed that he was 67 years old). You see, my aunt right now has several brain tumors and is apparently near the end of the line. I don’t think I would be slamming anyone in my family if I said that she was easily the sweetest, kindest person in my family. She’s really a terrific lady, and knowing that she’s going down like this is hard to take. I wish I didn’t live about 1700 miles away so I could lend some support. She’s awesome.

On to a lighter topic…Well, the cast of “Surreal Life 5” has been announced, and it’s apparently supposed to be an “Evil” cast, at least according to the E! Online story my friend Liz sent to me. Here is the new cast:

Carey Hart: At first I was really excited, but then I realized that it was “Carey” and not “Corey”. So then I was really disappointed. I know nothing about this guy, except that he’s a motocross guy and he didn’t sing “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night”.

Janice Dickinson: I’ve never seen “America’s Next Top Model”, but apparently she’s a real bitch on the show. So she’ll be interesting. She apparently coined the term “supermodel”, which I guess made her a supermodel. She seems pretty attractive enough. I was looking online to find more stuff about her, and apparently she’s had sex with Sylvester Stallone (only the second of the “Surreal Life” alumni to have done so (Brigitte Nielsen), and I’m guessing Angie Everhart will be on “Surreal Life 6 or 7”), John Cusack, Liam Neeson, Kelly LeBrock, Grace Jones, Mick Jaggar, Prince Albert, Warren Beatty, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Jack Nicholson, and Frank Zappa. After reading that list, I would imagine that she’s had sex with more women than I have (which isn’t really saying a lot). She’s also been married three times to people who I haven’t mentioned already. But I think my favorite thing about her is that she recently (and maybe event currently, I couldn’t verify it) dated Jon Lovitz. I think I’ll like her a lot.

Omarosa: This is one that I called, so no one should be surprised by this. I’ve never seen “The Apprentice” for a whole episode, but apparently she’s a real clit (as my pal Caddylac likes to say). So they thought it’d be great to throw her into the mix. I guess it’ll be interesting. Apparently she used to be some beauty queen, but I find her to be weird looking. Not ugly, just weird. For some reason she reminds me of Venus Williams. I think I won’t like her, much like I didn’t like Feldman or Traci Bingham, but I also thought I wouldn’t like Jerri Manthey, and I like her a whole lot.

Caprice: She’s a British supermodel, and she is really hot. I am hoping that she is not like Brande Roderick was from the first season, who was also hot but really just not interesting or a person that I liked much. I honestly don’t know anything else about her except she’s kinda perty.

Bronson Pinchot: Balki from “Perfect Strangers”. I think on my last website, I predicted that Mark-Linn Baker was going to be on someday, so I count this as being half-right. Actually, he is more than Balki. He was good in “True Romance” and “Beverly Hills Cop” too. I’m pretty certain that he’ll be the likable Coulier/Estrada/Chris Knight guy from this season. But I do hope that they all call him “Balki”, because that’s just funny. Actually, I think it’d be funny if he just came in and talked like Balki the whole time, calling Carey “Cousin Carey”. That would make the show.

Sandi Denton: She was “Pepa” from Salt’n Pepa. I have a strong feeling that she’ll be really cool. She’s not Spinderella, but I think she’ll do just fine. I think she won’t be a bitch like Da Brat, bring back the good name to all female rappers. At one time she was one of the most physically improved females, as the last picture I saw of her she looked kinda hot. When I saw her in Salt’n Pepa, I thought she wasn’t so nice to look at. I’m hoping she kept it up, and I have a feeling she’ll be awesome. And it would be cool if Treach (from Naughty by Nature, her ex-husband) came in like Chyna’s ex-boyfriend did and caused some friction. You couldn’t go wrong with that.

Jose Canseco: I cannot prove this at all, and I doubt that I mentioned it to anyone, so you’ll probably think I’m full of shit. But on St. Patrick’s Day, when I took half the day off to watch the NCAA Tournament and the games got boring, I turned to ESPN to watch the Congressional hearing on steroids. While I was watching it, I kept thinking that Jose Canseco would be on the next installment of “Surreal Life”. This guy is so in need of being in the public eye that he probably called VH-1 to be on it. Bonus points for dating Madonna, although even Vanilla Ice did that (Actually, I’m wondering if everyone on this show has slept with Madonna. I’m guessing the over/under is about 45%). I think the most interesting thing about Canseco though will be the drinking game that I just invented while watching “Surreal Life 5”. Every time Canseco does one of his trademarked double-blinks (although not literally trademarked), take a drink. Anytime he mentions something that he did back in his playing days that you know is an obvious lie (like when he says he used to run a 4.2 40), take a drink. Whenever he mentions his book “Juiced”, take a drink (if you did that during the Congressional hearing, you’d have been drunk within the first 15 minutes). Anytime they either show or you just think of the time that baseball hit him on the head in the field of play and then went over the fence for a home run, finish your beer. I think by doing this, “Surreal Life 5” would be your favorite season ever.

Hook-up odds: Bronson and Caprice – 15 to 1; Canseco and Pepa – 10 to 1; Janice and Omarosa – 7 to 2; Janice and anyone else – 4 to 1; the field (excluding Janice Dickinson, with the exception of a three-way or more) – 6 to 1.

What are your thoughts on the cast of “Surreal Life 5”? I think it’ll be pretty good. Maybe not Season 2 good, but it should blow away Season 3, at least. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Only 159 Days Away!!!

This came courtesy of my friend Liz (at least she was the first to send it to me):

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16225,00.html?eol.tkr

If only the "A" in Carey was an "O", it would be almost perfect. And the perfect "Surreal Life" drinking game will be to take a drink every time Canseco does one of his double-blinks. This happens almost as much as Flavor Flav yells, "Flava Flav!!!" But not quite as often.

Maybe The Next One Will Be Pauly Shore?

Is “The Bachelor” (who?) the most beaten-to-death show ever yet? I mean, at first they had some guys who were basically average guys. Then they had the Firestone guy who’s a millionaire from Firestone Tires, Firestone Beer (which I may have to have my mom pick up some for me while she’s in California), and Firestone Wine. Then they had some scrub football player. I don’t even know who they had after that. But now, they have some guy who is maybe at the same celebrity level of the weekend weatherman from Idaho Falls, and is only at that level because his brother played Kush in “Jerry McGuire”. Wow, what a catch ladies! You may want to hold out on going for this guy though. Maybe next season they’ll have the son of the guy who played the non-Paul Reiser dad on “My Two Dads”. You wouldn’t want to blow that chance.

The turn signal’s there for a reason, honey!!!!!

The band Queen is touring for the first time without Freddie Mercury, who died in 1991. The vocalist will instead be Paul Rodgers from the band Free (“All Right Now”). This seems like one really, really, really bad idea. Why don’t the surviving members of The Doors just go on tour now too with Boy George replacing Jim Morrison? That makes about as much sense to me. I think I heard Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl are reuniting Nirvana with Stacey Q as their lead singer. How sweet would that be?

In the Michael Jackson case, if you had Macaulay Culkin as the first former child star to be subpoenaed to testify whether or not they were sexually abused by Michael Jackson, you are one sick fucker for betting on that! Your 2-to-1 bet beat out the favorite, Emmanuel Lewis (who had 8-to-5 odds), in a mild upset, but you still should be ashamed on yourself for being such a gambling degenerate who’d bet on a famous pedophile’s high-profile court case!

Someday, I will no longer be a phlegm factory. And when that day comes, I will be happy. Until then, don’t look in my work trash can if you know what’s good for you.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Why Can't They Just Use Lotion?

Paul Hester, drummer from the band Crowded House, was found dead in Australia this past weekend. Apparently he hung himself. It got me to thinking about another 1980s Australian band, INXS, and their lead singer Michael Hutchence. He was found dead in 1997, and they said it was suicide by hanging. After the report came out, his girlfriend said that it wasn’t suicide, but instead an accident, as he had this thing about jerking off while having a belt around his neck. Apparently it made it better. Well, better except for the whole dying thing. So I’m wondering if this is some Australian band thing. And if hear about someone from Midnight Oil, Men at Work, or Silverchair dying by hanging too, then I will be convinced that it has to be more than a coincidence. Maybe that’s why Russell Crowe broke up with his band recently. News is spreading, and he didn’t want to me found out as a self-asphyxiating masturbator? Maybe. I’m not ruling it out. Anyway, talk about the perfect situation for the phrase, “I wouldn’t want to be caught dead like that!”

In all seriousness, I hope that the Terri Schiavo case not only brings out the whole issue of living wills, but also lets people see how bad anorexia is. I haven’t heard too much talk about that. Why not bring something else positive out of this, since it’s gotten so much attention? I think making it known that she got to the condition that she is in because of that would be a much greater deterrent for young women and girls than telling them that they could possibly die. Just a thought.

I’m not saying that it was me, but my sister-in-law works in the University of Tennessee’s Athletic Department, and they are apparently going to be naming University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s head basketball coach Bruce Pearl as their new head coach. Just the other week I was speaking with her and I told her that he’s the coach they should target. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I just hope that I get recognized at the press conference. It’s only fitting.

Well, I still feel like shit, so I’m not going to write anymore. Have a great day!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Looking Out For My Boy!

Before I start, I have to tell you that I totally stole this from Jon Stewart. I’m not claiming to be clever, but I thought this was funny:

Last night I went to the Power Plant Brewery in Parkville, MO. It was one of our beer nights, although there were only three of us there. Caddylac, his friend Derrick, and I were there, and the food was decent and the beers were pretty good. The service wasn’t so good, but it could have been worse. Anyway, our waitress was a 21-year-old who seemed nice enough, and she had a pretty good personality. After two samplers and a couple of Man in Black Porters, we were all joking around with her. She mentioned something about having a one-year-old daughter, and she showed us a picture. Cute kid. So I asked her if her daughter liked younger guys, as I had an 11-month-old son. She kinda shrugged and said, “Maybe. I dunno.” And then I asked her, “Do you think in like 18 years, it’d be cool if my son could do your daughter?” She gave me a kind of shocked look, and then started laughing. I think (my memory is a little cloudy) Caddylac said something like, “Eighteen years?!?!? That’ll be a late start. You may want to schedule something earlier than that.” Anyway, we left soon thereafter, and we thanked her and she thanked us, adding “No, your son cannot do my daughter!” Fun stuff.

I think when the federal government is done working on the really important issues, like steroids in baseball and whether or not they should let a spouse decide whether or not his practically brain-dead wife will continue to live on through a feeding tube, they need to work on passing a law requiring all public and business restrooms have some sort of toilet seat cover. Seriously. I think this is an important issue, one that needs to be addressed immediately. Yesterday at work, I had to take a shit, and when I got to the toilet, there was piss all over the seat. At my fucking work!!!!! Luckily, my work has toilet seat covers, but what if they didn’t? It’s a scary thought, I know. But they need to get this law passed. Think about it: How much better would you feel knowing that you were going to Burger King’s shitter and you were going to have a toilet seat cover there? And if they didn’t, you could call the sanitation department and get revenge by them fining Burger King $500. This needs to get done, and it needs to get done ASAP. Please write your congressman and congresswomen today! Hedy, you have political connections! Please get on this for the betterment of our world. Thank you.

Well, I’m not feeling tip-top, thanks to the flu (not the beer flu). Hopefully I will get better, but you never know. Have a great weekend, and I will blabber to you later.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Or Would It Be "Whacking Jacking"?

I am quite the consistent bowler. Last night I had a 603 series, bowling a 200, 158, and 245. That’s consistency, baby!

I never would have thought that Whitney Houston would be back in rehab! I cannot believe it.

This is just hilarious to me. Here are some of the titles of the magazines that they took from Michael Jackson’s house: “Plumpers”, “Juggs”, “Over 50”, “Barely Legal”, “Just Legal”, and “Finally Legal” along with “Playboy”, “Penthouse”, and “Hustler”. That’s just crazy to me. I never saw Wacko Jacko as a “Plumpers” guy. “Barely Legal”: yes. “Just Legal”: sure. “Finally Legal”: of course. “Plumpers”: not at all. There was no mention if “Big Black Ass” was there, but I imagine it might be too. If they made a magazine called “Teen Beat: Naked”, I could see him having a subscription to that. Especially if they had the “Webster” edition, or maybe “The kids of ‘The Goonies’” one. I’m also shocked about “Over 50” magazine, unless the “50” means “50 months”. Then that would make perfect sense. And how long will it be until they start referring to him as “Whacking Jacko”?

Does anyone else think that the whole “American Idol” phone mess-up was done on purpose? This “accident” just seems like a way to both promote the show and to have an additional episode of Fox’s number one show. People were talking like the guy who did the “screw-up” was going to get fired. Even if it was a legitimate mistake, you know they wouldn’t fire the guy. They probably would give the dude a raise. I hate made-up controversy, and this is all that this seems to be. Brick out!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

What Will We Do Without Barry Bonds?

(Warning: The following paragraph contains a high level of sarcasm. Read with caution.)
Poor, poor, Barry Bonds. Yesterday he went off about how the media wanting to break him down and how they finally got him. Shame on you, media! You are evil. Shame on you for showing him being a jerk to kids asking for his autograph, telling them to, “Get a life!” Shame on you for reporting his involvement with BALCO and his use of steroids! Shame on you for reporting what his mistress of ten years said about him using steroids! Shame on you for showing what a complete asshole he is when he talks to reporters! I mean, you have to agree with Barry Bonds that the reason he is treated poorly by the media is because he’s black. It’s surely not because he is an unlikable prick. It’s cannot because he’s considered to be a horrible teammate. I can’t understand why the media wouldn’t treat Bonds better. Just because he’s rude, calls them racist, calls them stupid, questions their character and credibility, and is basically a complete douchebag to everyone he comes across gives the media no reason to report him being an sack bandit. They should go about their day not reporting these things. You know, because he’s black.

So Bonds will be out for at least half of a season or maybe the entire season, reportedly because he had knee surgery. Broadcasters have been speculating that part of the reason probably has to do with the whole steroids issue. Some have said that it had to do with the outing of his alleged affair. But really, I think we all know the real reason why he’ll be out so long. Because the player who will be batting behind him in the lineup will be Moises Alou. Which means that every time Bonds hits a home run, he’ll be giving a high five to Alou. That would be reason enough to sit out a season. (Click on the following link if you don’t understand: http://www.jsonline.com/sports/gen/may04/229792.asp?format=print)

Do you think if I dyed my hair black and wore Sex Pistols and Ramones t-shirts that I'd be as punk as Ashlee Simpson? Just curious.

Have a great day!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Beer, Glorious Beer!

Alcohol has had a bad run lately. First of all, my friend Caddylac has given up beer for a while, as he trains for a mini-triathlon. Then Tracey Gold gets probation for her drunken driving charge with her kids in the car. Pat O’Brien is in rehab for what he calls “a problem with alcohol.” Michael Jackson allegedly gave little boys alcohol before he blew them. “The Osbournes” is going off the air, so that’ll mean less wine money for Ozzy. But perhaps worst of all, Heidi Klum is pregnant with Seal’s baby. That can only be explained by Klum getting really, really, really drunk one night and mistaking Seal for Taye Diggs. Anyway, the repeal of Prohibition happened 72 years ago, and I think that we as Americans need to do more good with alcohol. It’s done so much good for us. I mean, it brought me my son (re-read the Heidi Klum sentence again and replace “Klum” with “my wife”, “Seal” with “Fist Tickle Brick”, and “Taye Diggs” with “Ben Affleck”). So today, go out, get drunk, and paint an orphanage, donate money to March of Dimes, and/or pick up litter on the side of the freeway. Well, scratch that last one if you are really drunk and stumbling, because that will only make alcohol’s case look worse. Yea beer!!!

Monday, March 21, 2005

Mmm...Bacon Tumbleweeds!!!

This weekend pretty much blew. On Friday night, I helped move a cooler for my sister-in-law’s new floral business, and the rest of the weekend my back hurt. I started getting sick on Friday night, and I still am not 100%. KU lost to fucking Bucknell! My son is really sick. And there was no new episode of “Surreal Life” for the second straight week. Things really need to get better soon. Hopefully Kief will be doing a lot of yelling tonight on “24”, because that might be my favorite thing on television. Kiefer yelling always seems to make my life better. “WHERE IS THE OVERRIDE?!?!?!?” (I’m smiling just thinking about that.)

I wonder if KC and the Sunshine Band make more money now than when they were popular in the 1970s. Because it seems like every other commercial has one of their songs in it. They couldn’t possibly have been as annoying back in the ‘70s than they are now. If I never hear “That’s the Way (I Like It)”, “Shake Shake Shake (Your Booty)”, or “Keep It Comin’ Love” again I will be a much better human being. I avoid county fairs just for the chance that I’ll be there the day they’re playing, which might cause some sort of Fist Tickle Brick related incident. Most likely suicide.

Speaking of suicide, let it be known now that if I end up like Terri Shiavo, let me die. Please. I don’t want to be a vegetable and live for 15 years by having machines feed me if the doctors state there is no way to get back to close to normal. Just let me die. Thank you.

I won’t mention it by name, but I really hate the-company-that-I-work-for’s commercials. A lot. There are a lot of commercials that really are annoying right now, but maybe that’s because I’ve been watching the NCAA Tournament all weekend (yes, even after Friday night) and CBS only seems to play eight different commercials. Some that I thought were clever at first, but I could go the rest of my life without seeing. Let’s see, there’s the Miller Lite “Taste Loss” commercial, which was mildly amusing at first. Then there’s the deodorant commercial with either “The Wuss”, “The Suck-Up”, or “Mama’s Boy”, which are bad because I don’t even remember which company it’s even for. I’ll just stick with my Old Spice Arctic Force, although probably only because I think it sounds cool. Then there’s Hootie’s Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich commercial, which I don’t even mind. Add in all the insurance and cell phone commercials, and it’s pretty mind numbing. Not that my mind needed anymore numbing.

One more thing about Hootie’s Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich commercial: I really wouldn’t mind so much living in a magical land with singing cowboys, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, Brooke Burke, streets paved with cheddar, and sandwiches growing on trees. But if that wonderland had “bacon tumbleweeds”, that might gross me out a little. I love bacon and all, but the thought of seeing pig flesh blowing in the wind kinda makes me queasy. Call me crazy, but that’s not something I’d look forward to seeing ever. Have a great week!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Erin Go Blah!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! This is a big holiday in my family. Everywhere people will be celebrating and getting really tanked, although no one will probably be getting more trashed than Baretta. Congrats on being found legally “Not Guilty” (which isn’t really the same as being “innocent”). I really thought it was great how he made jokes about spending $10,000,000 in five years. Because it’s always the classy thing to do to make jokes right after a murder trial. That goes over really well with me. Anyway, I’m sure there’ll be a book by Blake coming out soon, and in about five months I’m sure he’ll be sitting next to Todd Bridges and Mr. Belding calling people up to wish them a happy birthday for a small fee. Fantastic!

I’m working half days today and tomorrow so I can watch the NCAA tournament. I’ve taken off time before for this event, but last year I didn’t and I just kept getting really antsy sitting in my cubical listening to results. Not this year. I’ll be sitting at home (or maybe a bar at lunch if anyone wants to go with me) watching it all. I’m in a few pools, but I don’t even remember who I have winning it all. I think in most pools I have Illinois, Wake Forest, Kentucky, and Kansas. In the pool where we get random teams, someone drew Nevada and Mississippi State for me, while they drew St. Mary’s of California for my wife. So that’s not too likely to bring me any money. But I don’t care about that too much (although it’d be nice to win). Basically, I’d like KU to win, but as long as interesting teams are still playing, I will be happy. If the Final Four is North Carolina, Duke, and Arizona, I won’t be the happiest. My first round upsets for today’s games are as follows: Creighton over West Virginia, UTEP over Utah, UW-Milwaukee over Alabama, and Nevada over Texas (BIG!!! I don’t think this will be even close). We’ll see how it goes.

I bowled a 703 series last night. And I was consistent. 232, 236, and 235. And in the last game, before every ball I threw I yelled, “Hey Rob Deer!” since Rob Deer was at the next lane over. He was so proud of me.

Have a great day, and don’t drink green beer. Seriously. Green beer is really fucking lame. Drink a Guinness, Beamish, or a Murphy’s or some Irish-style ale. Boulevard in Kansas City makes as delicious one. They are really tasty. Green beer is like drinking wine coolers or Zima. Don’t be a sissy.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Although On My Honeymoon People Kept Referring To Me As "Wisconsin"

I was watching “The Amazing Race” last night, and they have that guy they call “Boston Rob” on there who was on two seasons of “Survivor” previously. I don’t have too much of an opinion of him as a guy, although I think he’s a little shady. My wife thinks he’s the perfect guy to have on a reality show. Who knows, maybe he’ll be on the next season of “Surreal Life”, although you’d think they’d have to have his fiancée Amber on there too (By the way, I think my current dream cast of the next season of “Surreal Life” would be Jenna Jameson, Shannen Doherty, Corey Haim, Slash, Ralphie May, Danny Pintauro, and maybe that bitch Omarosa just to make things interesting). But about Rob, and I’ve noticed this on other reality shows, too (especially “The Real World”): Does anyone else notice that when someone from Boston is on one of the reality shows (or really in life) that they make it very obvious that that they’re from there? And I’m not talking about the accent (which by the way is awesome). They all wear Red Sox hats. They talk repeatedly about how they are from Boston. If they have a shot of them from their hometown, they will always have a shot of Fenway Park in the montage. Don’t get me wrong. I love Boston. Great town. No better place in the world to be a janitor and go around looking to fight smahht kids. But I am originally from Wisconsin, and I absolutely love Wisconsin, but I think most people know me for a little while before they realize I grew up there. At least a week. Meet someone from Boston, and I guarantee you that you will know within the first five minutes that they are from there. Even when I was in Boston, and using my wicked-sweet Bah-ston accent that I had perfected before going there (which I have lost the ability to pull out since), strangers would ask where we lived, and I think they did that just so that they could bring up the fact that they’re from Boston. No other place in the country is it like that. Well, except Texas. No other city though is like that. Chicago is sort of like that, but they’re not even close to acting like Bostonians. Maybe Moline is closest, because everyone from Moline is proud of being from there and bring it up all the time. Moline is the Rock City, you know.

I have to tell you will all sincerity that I am extremely disappointed that at this time only two people posted comments from that movie site I posted yesterday. Very disappointed. Almost as disappointed in the fact that “Kingpin” didn’t make the list.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Vote For "Stripes"!!!

Here is a cool site that my good pal KD sent to me:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7053845

Go to "Launch the Brackets" and fill it out. Put in comments your Final Four and champions. For me, my Final Four was "South Park", "Stripes", "Office Space", and "The Graduate". I have "Stripes" beating "Office Space" for the title. Let me know how it goes for you.

P.S. How was "Stripes" only a 10 seed?!?!? That's crap!!!

You Are So Wrong, JP! So Wrong!

I have to take issue with what JP wrote yesterday in the comments section. His stance is that the Hootie Burger King commercial is worse than the “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial. I just plain disagree, and I honestly don’t think it’s even close. “Why, Fist Tickle Brick?!?!? Why?!?!?” you ask. Fuckin’ relax! I’ll tell you why. First of all, the Hootie commercial has the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders in it. You’ll never go wrong with that. Also, Brooke Burke is in it. I don’t love her like a lot of guys do, but she is one fine-lookin’ lady. But the main thing I like about it is that Hootie is in it. “What in the fuck are you talking about, Fist Tickle Brick? That’s crazy talk!” you say. Well, let me put it like this. Hootie (or “Darius Rucker” for Hootie defender, Doncock) is basically a cheesy guy. Hootie and the Blowfish played cheesy music. I wasn’t ever a Hootie fan, but at least they always seemed like easy-going guys who probably were okay people. They never seemed to take themselves too seriously as far as I know. And in this Burger King commercial, Hootie dressed up as a dorky cowboy and sang some cheesy jingle about some sandwich. He played a cheesy role, which is perfect as he didn’t pretend to be something different from who he is. Now with the SJP Gap commercial, they try to make it seem like SJP is some hot sexpot like Selma Hayek or Angelina Jolie. She’s not. Not even close. Now I’m not saying that she’s an ugly, Dee Snider look-alike like I’ve heard some people refer to her as. She cute in a “Hey, she and Ferris Bueller are cute together” kinda way. Nothing more. Just because she was in a grossly overrated show where chicks talked about getting railed and used a lot of cock-related puns doesn’t make her hot. I really don’t want to slam her anymore because I did like “Square Pegs” and she gets a little bit of slack from me because of that. But seriously Gap, don’t try to make her out as something “sexy”, because it just doesn’t work. I mean, I kinda have a thing for Maya Rudolph from “Saturday Night Live”, but never in a million years would I buy her acting like she was Liz Hurley. Oh, and Gap: don’t give her some stupid jingle to go with it that just won’t leave my already borderline-retarded mind! That’s just too much for me to handle.

Apparently my new site isn’t as appealing as my old one, so I am working on things. I will try to update it first thing in the morning if I can, but I am also up for some advice or suggestions if you have any. One thing though is that I can’t figure out the picture part of it, so I might have to get a new site if that is what the main problem is. Also, emails are more than welcome. I’d like to see what you think I need to do to get back to where I once was with you guys. Which was a huge part of your heart! Awww!!!

One quick note before I finish this morning’s entry for all of you who told me how wrong I am about “Napoleon Dynamite”: It may have a lot of quotable lines from it, just not that many that are funny. Love ya!

Monday, March 14, 2005

SHAVE HER HEAD NOW!!!!!!!

Maybe I’m getting old, or maybe I just have a different sense of humor than I used to or people think I have, but several people recommended “Napoleon Dynamite” to me. People said things like, “You will love it!” and “It is your kind of movie.” I have to say with all honesty, it was one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen. It was pretty brutal. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen (still either “I am Sam” or “The English Patient”). A few things were redeeming about it, most notably the fact that it was only an hour and a half long. The fact that Lazlo from “Real Genius” was in it was a bonus. Oswald from “The Drew Carey Show” also helped its cause. But still, this movie was pretty bad. The only times I sort of laughed at it was when I saw Napoleon’s brother, who looked almost exactly like Mr. Crazy Pie who I work with, and when the girl came to the door and said she was making money for college and someone said, “Your mom goes to college!” and that wasn’t even that funny. The rest of it was just fucking dumb. Napoleon snapping and saying “Jeez” at people for little things wasn’t funny. A dune-buggy driving grandma wasn’t funny. Putting tator-tots in a pocket isn’t funny. Trying to use a time machine wasn’t funny. I feel like a dumber person for having seen this movie, and that’s hard to do. And it cost $3.95 to rent on PPV. My wife thought even less of it. How this movie became a cult hit is beyond me. Maybe I need to start writing screenplays, because watching a borderline retarded/social misfit playing tetherball by myself isn’t funny. It’s not even close to funny. And the thing is, I know that several of you probably loved it, even people who I usually see eye-to-eye with. I’m almost 100% positive that if Jake Boot saw it he loved it. He probably bought it and quotes in ten times a day thinking he’s hilarious. But holy crap! That was probably the biggest movie disappointment ever since “The Blair Witch Project”.

By the way, I’m not saying it was the best show, but I wish they would continue with “Celebrity Fit Club”. I’d like to see everyone keep going, but I think that maybe one or two of the “celebrities” will keep at it without the pressure of having to show up on TV every other week. And the further demise of Daniel Baldwin would at least make for some entertaining viewing.

Easily the worst commercial on TV is the Sarah Jessica Parker Gap commercial where she sings, “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” It probably wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t played ten times an hour, but Jesus Fucking Christ it is fucking annoying. All day I hear her singing, “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” and it’s making me crazy. I wake up and get the dogs their food and it’s “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” I jump in the shower and it’s “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” I take a crap, and all my head hears is “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” I’m changing my son’s shitty diaper, and instead of singing “Old McDonald” all I can think of is “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” I make dinner, and it’s “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” I lay in bed at night and it’s “When I get a brand new…hair-do!” Would someone please shave that bitch’s fucking head?!?!?!? Fuck!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Chain Emails

You know that the war on terrorism is going America's way when you see a Calvin pissing on "bin Laden" window sticker. Yeah! U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!! Take that, al Qaeda!!! Suck it!!!

I get so many chain emails. They really piss me off. I don't care if they are the ones that you send to your loved ones to show that you love them (because is there really a better way to tell someone you love them that to forward them a jpeg of a flower?) or the ones that will bring you loads of super fantabulous luck if you forward them (or will bring you a lifetime of pain if you don't). Never will a fucking cool image appear of you forward it to ten people. Don't be a fucking moron. Luck has nothing to do with you sending junk emails to your friends. Seriously, at the end of those fucking chain emails, they need to replace the line "forward this to at least 15 of your friends to have a miracle happen to you tomorrow" to "forward this to at least 15 of your friends to piss off 15 of your friends" because that's all those fucking things do. At least to me.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Another "Sports Guy's Intern" Contest Entry

Another “Sports Guy’s Intern” entry for you, even though the last one wasn’t that good. I hope this one will be better.

1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?

I don’t know what to choose. “More Cowbell” was great. Eddie Murphy as “Mr. White” was a classic. Chris Farley as Matt Foley (especially the first time with Christina Applegate) was freaking hilarious. “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”, “Synchronized Swimming”, or the recent one where they were filming “Gigli” and Ben Affleck is repeatedly being told by a retarded guy (Fred Armisen) that the movie is terrible are all good choices. But I think the sketch where Joe Montana says exactly what was on his mind was my favorite. Every time I see Joe Montana on TV, I wish someone would ask him about that skit. When he said, “You won’t bother me; I’ll be in my room masturbating,” that had to be the funniest moment in the history of the show.

2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?

Unintentional: “You’re the man now, dog?” from “Finding Forrester”.Intentional: The entire baseball sequence in “The Naked Gun”. Probably the only time in the history of film that something was funny when Tim McCarver was on the screen. “Is this an official bat?” CLUNK! Great stuff.

3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
Hmm…I’d be interested in reading your comments on yours. For me, it has to be Corey Feldman’s singing in the “talent” show the first season of “Surreal Life”, where he sang some song and said that it was on his current album. He sang about as well as I would if I swallowed broken glass and then gargled acid while singing. I’m sure people rushed out to get it.
4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
I wish that it came out that the reason Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent didn’t like each other when they played on the Giants was because they were gay lovers and had a bad break-up. I think the public would like Bonds even less than they would if he admitted to using HGH or steroids, and that fact that Jeff Kent is almost as unlikable as Bonds would be an added bonus. That would be the best thing ever to happen to these two unlikable pricks. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay.


I was just on a conference call with my friend Mike, and I spent the second half of the call sending instant messages to him acting like we were in the “A-Team” (which started after I said, “Sounds like a plan!” to which Mike wrote, “I love it when a plan comes together.” I’m not really too sure what was said during the call, but at least I got to refer to myself as “Howling Mad” (Fist Tickle Brick). So at least something good came out of that call.

Have a great day! Soccer season starts tonight. Be sure to watch Fox Sports Net or World or some Fox Sports channel to see all the, ahem, excitement!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Fist Tickle Brick's "Hollywood Couple of Seconds"

I think the worst thing about dating Chyna Doll, a.k.a. Joanie Laurer, besides having sex with her and having to talk and interact with her, would be that I bet a lot of people would call you “Chachi”.

I’m pretty sure that if the Fred Durst sex tape were to go commercial and be sold it would be slightly more successful than a Roseanne/Tom Arnold sex tape would. I also think it would be less successful than a Betty White/Andy Griffith sex tape (mental image: mmm…..nice!).

It’s been quite a couple of weeks for delusional guys lately. First, Denise Richards files for divorce from Charlie Sheen. Then Katie Holmes breaks off her engagement with Chris Klein (from “American Pie”, not the soccer player). And now Shannon Elizabeth has split from her husband, some guy who’s played such memorable characters in movies named, “Male EMT”, “Beat-Up Guy”, and “Hippie Boy” in movies. Losers everywhere are thinking they have a chance. Good luck with that.

Monday, March 07, 2005

I Hate Elmo

For those of you who read my last site, you know that today, March 7th, is Jackass Day. So everyone, especially my friend Ward, have a very happy Jackass Day!!!

My weekend was okay. We didn’t really do anything on Friday night. Watched “24”, but that was about it. Saturday was an okay day. I had to go to the doctor in the morning for my insurance company, to make sure I was insurable. That was pretty uneventful, with the exception that the scale at the doctor’s office said I was 18 pounds heavier than the one at my home said I was. Luckily, my home scale is a lot nicer and a lot newer, so I’ll go with that one. Also, I’m tired of the doctor’s office giving me such a small cup to piss in for my urine sample. I could have filled that cup at least four times. I’m not a huge fan of pinching it so that I don’t piss all over the cup, so maybe a decent sized cup would be nice next time. They didn’t take any blood samples, which I appreciated, and I was in and out in less than 15 minutes. I even told the girl she could check me out to see if I had a hernia, but she wasn’t interested. Damn my luck. After that I got my car washed and then came home. Then the fam went to Target to get some stuff for the boy. After that I stopped by a friend’s house while my wife went to run errands. That night my in-laws watched my son so we could go see a movie. We decided to see 2004 Best Picture “Million Dollar Baby”. This movie is one of those movies where I think it’s a good movie, yet I didn’t particularly like it. The acting was great, but the story was such a downer and predictable (at least to me) about halfway through the movie. I liked “Sideways” a whole lot better. On Sunday, I slept until 10:30 AM. I needed that. “Surreal Life” was another downer, as it wasn’t that funny (with the exception of Adrienne repeatedly calling Chyna’s ex-boyfriend a “douchebag”). That afternoon I watched the crappy KU/Missouri game, while also playing outside with the boy as the weather was perfect. Seventy degrees, sunny, with blue skies. It was awesome. After the game, we went to the in-laws’ house to celebrate my sister-in-law’s birthday. Good times, as the dinner was delicious as always. We came home, watched “Celebrity Fit Club” and went to bed. That was my weekend.

One thing that’s been noticeable lately is how people always are referring to themselves in the third person. Rickey Henderson is the prime example of this (Rickey’s cleats keep breakin’ so Rickey can’t run so fast!”) Anyway, I don’t expect this trend to get better, and in fact I expect it to get much worse. The reason? Elmo from “Sesame Street”. Holy crap am I starting to hate that guy, and my kid isn’t even one year old yet! All I hear is “Elmo’s singing ‘Elmo’s Song’” in which the words pretty much consist of “La”, “Elmo’s”, and “Song”. Then it’s “Elmo’s hungry,” or “Elmo loves you,” or “Elmo’s taking a crap,” or some other Elmo task that Elmo tells you that Elmo is doing or Elmo wants to do. He’s worse than the “Jimmy” character on that “Seinfeld” episode. That is just horseshit. So Fist Tickle Brick expects this to get worse and worse in the future, and Fist Tickle Brick is not too happy about it.

Fist Tickle Brick out!

Friday, March 04, 2005

I Have No Desire To Be An Intern

I know, I know. I haven’t written much lately, and what I have written was probably boring. Well, life’s been busy, crazy, and boring lately, all at the same time, so it’s been tough to: A. Find time to write much; and B: Think about something interesting to write about. Well, at ESPN.com’s “Page 2” they have a guy cleverly named “The Sports Guy” who writes about all sorts of shit. Many people compared my last site to his, which wasn’t my aim, but he has a nice fan base so I’ll take that as a compliment. Well, right now, he is looking for an intern. I was too old to apply for it, and it’s not something that I’d really want to do. But he has had a competition between potential prospects to write essays about whatever he feels like. The latest competition is as follows:
“Round 3 was a "Let's get to know you" round. We asked the remaining contestants to answer the following four questions in 500 words or less:
1. What was your favorite sports moment that you've seen in person?
2. What's your favorite sports movie ever and why?
3. Who's your favorite athlete ever and why?
4. What do you think was the funniest moment in sports history and why?”

Well, after this paragraph, I will attempt to do this, just for your pleasure. I hope you enjoy it.

What was your favorite sports moment that you’ve ever seen in person?
I’ve seen some good games. Last years Royals’ home opener was awesome. I’ve been to many KU basketball games which were sweet, as well as some great NFL games. But I’d have to say that my favorite all-time sports moment was the first day game in the history of Miller Park. The game itself was really good. Junior Griffey struck out with two outs and the bases loaded late in the game down two runs. The Brewers hit a few homers, so we saw Bernie Brewer go down the slide. Polish Sausage won the sausage race. The Brewers won. But the best part of the game was when we saw this guy from our high school, a guy who got arrested for beating up his girlfriend, getting kicked out of the stadium. I stood up on my seat screaming, “Get that wife beater out of here!” repeatedly.. Few things are funnier than seeing a scumbag getting kicked out of a stadium.

What’s your favorite sports movie ever and why?
Easy. “Kingpin”. Where do I start? Scenes with the nasty landlord. Woody Harrelson “milks” a bull and proceeds to drink from the pail of bull semen. Vanessa Angel’s in it. Bill Murray’s United Way parody commercial. “I’d sooner get ‘Munsoned’ out here in the middle of nowhere than lose face in front of my family.” Hilarious movie.

Who’s your favorite athlete ever and why?
Wilt Chamberlain. Went to KU. Scored 100 points in an NBA basketball game (one-hundred points!!!). Probably scored with 100 women in one week at some point. Claimed to have done 20,000 women, and that was a decade before he died. And when he went back to have his jersey retired at KU, he wore his lettermen’s jacket, which he still had. And did I mention that he claimed to have done 20,000 women?

What do you think was the funniest moment in sports history and why?”
I thought it was funny a few years ago when K-State’s Pervis Pasco caught the inbounds pass with a two-point lead in the last 1.8 seconds of the game and started running with the ball celebrating their “win”. He got called for travelling, and Colorado proceeded to hit a three pointer to win the game. When Kentucky football players poured Gatorade on their head coach late in a game against LSU thinking they won, only to have LSU throw a Hail Mary touchdown pass as time expired to win; that was good stuff too. But the funniest moment ever was when David Newhan hit an inside-the-park home run last year, in which leftfielder Manny Ramirez cut off the throw from centerfielder Johnny Damon. The fact that he cut the throw off at all is hilarious, but that Ramirez dove to catch Damon’s throw almost made me piss myself. Almost. Funniest thing I ever saw in any sport, especially having it happen from a superstar player.

That was 500 words exactly. Well, that’s all I’ve got. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Bad Stand-Up Comedy

I saw a stand-up comedian on TV the other day, and he was talking about Canadian bacon. He said, "Do Canadians just call Canadian bacon' bacon'? Do they just call our bacon 'American bacon'?" He proceeded to talk about this for a few minutes, and it wasn't funny. Anyway, I've read in chain emails and heard someone making that comment before, which is becoming about as old as the "Why don't they make the whole plane out of what they make the black box out of?" (by the way, it's because it'd be too heavy to fly, spoodge gargler!) or "Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?" (I don't know or really care). Anyway, I just think Canadians call what Americans call Canadian bacon "American ham". But I don't know any Canadians, so I can't verify if that's true. Just a guess.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Comeback

I think a great comeback to use when someone makes fun of you would be "Fuck yer ass, spoodge gargler!"