How About Some More Crap You Can Read?

Here you can read about crap, stuff, or whatever you want to call whatever I write.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Sean Penn Also Is Good Friends With Lars Ulrich

Our babysitter is sick, so I'm home with the boy. My wife was home in the A.M., and I took over at lunch. I just put the kiddo to bed, so now I'll try to write a few things for you. Hmm...let's see...

You know who's a really good actor? Sean Penn. You know who has the sense of humor of an aluminum can? Also Sean Penn. After watching the Oscars last night, I decided that he might be the least fun person ever. I thought Chris Rock killed last night. I don't think anyone's ever been funnier as a host. Nothing against Billy Crystal, but his little singing act was old after the first time he did it. And Rock's comments about Jude Law being in every movie and "Who the hell is Jude Law?!?!?" were obviously in jest. Seriously, Law was in six (SIX!) movies that came out after Labor Day ("I Heart Huckabees", "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow", "Alfie", "Closer", "The Aviator" and "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events"), so it did seem that he was in every movie. (It's called "hyperbole", Sean.) And it's not like he's Tom Cruise, Jim Carrey, or even Sean Penn. So why Penn felt the urge to make a comment about Rock's comment was pretty fucking lame. I wonder if Penn would have defended Ben Stiller if Rock made a comment about him (Stiller was also in six movies in 2004, although most of them were released before August so the joke wouldn't have been as funny, at least not to me). I really doubt it. But old Sean, never one to take himself too seriously (ahem), felt like he had to defend his colleague. I'm sure Law got the freaking joke, and he's probably disappointed that Penn said anything since it looks like he can't take a joke either. And I've seen Jude Law on stuff like "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and "The Daily Show", and he does have a sense of humor. Seemed like a pretty good guy. The only real excuse I can give for Penn feeling the need to pipe in his unsolicited two-cents about this is to say that after making such comedy classics as "Shanghai Surprise" and "We're No Angels", you wouldn't have any sense of humor either.

And I think it's official. Any movie starring Sean Penn is a downer of a film. Think about some of his recent films. "Mystic River": Good movie. Huge downer. "Dead Man Walking": Great Movie. Tremendous downer. "The Thin Red Line": Piece of shit and a downer. "21 Grams": Okay movie, another big downer. Take all those and throw in one of the worst piece-of-shit movies ever in "I Am Sam, The Retard Father", and I really wish he went back to saying that he wasn't going to act anymore. I'd consider it a huge favor if he did quit acting. I'm guessing he has a lot of Prozac stock or something.

Well, I'm gonna go now. Have a great day, what's left of it

Friday, February 25, 2005

It Doesn't Have the Ring of "Mr. Vegas", But I'll Take It

I wrote awhile back that when I was in Vegas, I wasn’t the best gambler. Basically, I’m no Mr. Vegas. Well last night we went to the Ameristar Casino in North Kansas City, and basically, you can go ahead and call me Mr. North Kansas City, or Mr. NKC if you prefer. Actually, I did do pretty well for me, winning $162 at the craps table. I was feeling pretty well. And it was a good time besides that last night, as we had our Beer Night Out, which I did partake in. I’ve actually had a few beers this month, despite my person pledge to not for February. I’m ashamed about that. But I’ve drank a lot less, and I’ve only drank on bowling nights and special occasions, like before the KU game and last night. So get off my back!!!! Geez. Get off my back!!! I mean, I am Mr. NKC. Show me some respect!

I want to apologize for my lack of good entries. I have been slammed at work, and I really feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say. Feel free to email me with suggestions. Otherwise, I’ll do my best.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Really Quick

The other night when my wife was watching “American Idol”, I heard some guy sing the song, “How am I Supposed to Live Without You?” I asked her if that was A.C. Slater singing with Jessie Spano. She replied, “Yes, and Kelly and Zack are breaking up.” That was good stuff. Too bad I missed it when some girl sang the same song last night. I think it should be an “American Idol” rule that anyone who sings a song that that no-talent ass-clown Michael Bolton has sung should automatically be eliminated. That’s just me.

I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday saying that there were only two episodes of “NYPD Blue” left. I had no idea. I thought it went off the air three years ago.

That's all I've got. Work has been really busy, and the other person who is supposed to be doing all of the certain types of orders I was bitching about last week apparently is in the hospital, so I'm getting double the work. Lucky bastard!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Here's Your Recap of Yesterday's Events, Liz!!! Happy Now?

Someone the other day was complaining that with this new site, I was no longer recapping my previous day’s activities, events, and encounters. So let me do that today. It will probably make sense why I haven’t been. Here we go:

So yesterday I got to work, and almost immediately I got a meeting announcement from my supervisor. The meeting was about an organizational change, and it’s probably a good thing. The best part is that I still have the same supervisor, which I thought I wasn’t going to. I’m really relieved at that, because I get along with her well and I think she does a good job. Plus, the other two supervisors for my department I do not know, and the other supervisor in my old group, the one who had problems with me writing, has been moved to another group and building. So the meeting was a good thing, for once. After that I went back to work. None of the usual people who once in a while go to lunch with me could, so I went to Chipotle and got a nice, tasty chicken burrito, with pinto beans, mild salsa, and cheese. Interesting, huh? The rest of the afternoon I was waiting to get help regarding a new process, but that help didn’t come until after 4 PM. So I did other crap until I could finally get the assistance I needed, which was a blast. Eventually I was able to learn what I needed, although the help I got was wrong (I just got an email about it as I was typing this), so I will get to fix it today. Awesome. I worked on it until 6 PM, which was a ton of fun, but at least I overheard a women tell someone about the rules of telling whether or not a guy has a large schlong or not. Apparently, a guy has to have at least size 10 ½ shoes, big hands, but not long skinny fingers, and can’t have too big of an ass to have a large penis. Oh, and not be Italian (seriously, that was what she said). So luckily, I fit into all those categories, although I’m not saying this rumor is true. Not at all. But I thought it was funny to hear, and apparently some of the women at work might think I’ve got something. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing to have them think. Anyway, so after work I picked up Chili’s-To-Go and came home and had dinner with the fam. After dinner, we played with my son while my wife watched “American Idol”, which has to be one of the most boring shows now that the preliminary stuff is done. Or at least the music is really boring. When someone sings something by Richard Marx as their song, you know it’s a bad night. After that, I changed my son’s stinky, crap-filled diaper and put him to bed. Then we watched “24” (which was okay) and the KU/OU game (which sucked) while working out. And then I showered and went to bed. Wow! What an exciting day, hey?

A lot of people (like “Entertainment Weekly”) were getting on Brad Pitt for starring in a Heineken commercial. They are saying that he’s a sell-out and that things really have gone downhill for him since he and Jennifer Aniston separated. Honestly, I don’t think he’s a sell-out for doing a Heineken commercial at all. I didn’t see the commercial, but rumor has it that it was clever, so I don’t get the whole “Brat Pitt’s a sell-out” thing. I mean, he did get paid a lot of money to make “Troy” which apparently really sucked, so how could a beer commercial be considered a sell-out after that? But you know who have become huge sell-outs? The fucking Jetsons! They have no fucking shame at all! First, I see George Jetson hawking Electrosal with I think Rosie the Robot Maid. That was bad enough, but then I see that bitch Jane in a commercial with Velma from “Scooby Doo” and Wilma Flintstone talking about some shampoo that makes their hair so much better. What a bunch of bullshit. No wonder Judy Jetson became such a little slut. When your parents will take money for anything, what values can we expect that little skank to have? I think this might be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.

Monday, February 21, 2005

What's the Deal With Backing Into Spots?

I think I’m becoming suspicious of people who back in to park in parking lots. I just don’t get why they do it. I think it’s easier and safer to back out of the spot, as there is more room than there is when you back in between two cars (I can sort of understand why someone would do it if there weren’t any cars in the spaces next to a certain spot). So whenever I see someone backing in, I always think that they’re just getting their car ready for a fast getaway. Like there’s some shady business going down, and I need to stay clear of this person.

Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide (apparently), but as of now they haven’t stated whether there was a suicide note left or not. I’m sure if there is, it will soon be published for someone to make money off of. Part of me thinks that Courtney Love probably used Kurt Cobain’s suicide note to write a song for Hole’s “Celebrity Skin” album.

I'm Not Sure How True This Is, But...

...Rob Deer sent me this link ( I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't call, but I just think it'd be funny to call up Fred Durst and sarcastically tell him how talented he is. And how did former Guns 'N Roses drummer Matt Sorum make it on here? Pretty crazy. No surprise that George Maloof is on the list. Anyway, check it out, and leave a comment if you actually call any of these.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Nothing Like Shifting the Blame

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, who was on the first season of "The Apprentice", is stating that the show unfairly portrays African-Americans. Now I admit that I never saw that show, but from what I've heard others say about it, I don't think she's properly addressing the problem. From what it sounds like to me, I think she should instead be complaining about how "The Apprentice" unfairly portrays bitchy cunts who don't take responsibility for their own actions. She allegedly fits in that category much better. Just a suggestion, in case any of you run into her.

Hey, Little Sister, SHOTGUN!!!

So last night I’m at bowling, and I went over to talk to my friend Rob Deer and this woman on his team. She’s a single mom, and last week she mentioned that she was interested in this one dude in our league who my team was bowling against that week. Well, I found out a little bit about him for me to tell her. So I said to her, "Hey, I found out some stuff about your guy." She replied, "Oh, I've already moved on. I like someone else now." And Rob goes, "Who? Me?" I said something like, "Uh, it's probably me, Rob." And she jokingly said, "Well, actually, it's both of you." Immediately I said, "Shotgun anus!" For those of you who don’t know, that is a line from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”. I was pretty proud of myself for responding with that line so quickly. She even thought it was really funny, and she never saw the movie. Rob Deer didn’t get it, so he didn’t laugh, but I still thought it was pretty good. I later told my brother-in-law Doncock this, and he said, "I could probably go my entire life, waiting to use that line, and it would never come up." So he was proud of me too. Even my wife laughed when I told her the story when I got home, and she usually doesn’t think that I'm funny at all. Ever. But once in a while, I have my moments.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I am Devastated!

I have no idea what I'm gonna do now that the NHL season has been canceled. What a tragedy! I just hope that the WNBA doesn't follow suit. That would be terrible.

Thanks to Mrs. Brick for yesterday's question. Apparently, she's a lot better at this sort of thing than I am. But her question made me think about something that I just don't understand: Why aren't porn actors and actresses considered prostitutes and why don't they get arrested for taking money for sex? Now don't get me wrong. I think maybe I am too much of a liberal sometimes, because I don't really think that prostitution should be illegal. Morally, it isn't the best thing, but really, there isn't a victim. Sure, some of you might say that the women are victims because certain situations in their lives drive them to blow guys for $20 and give hand jobs so they can buy a sandwich, but really, everyone is like that. The fact that I need to eat and clothe myself, my wife, and my kid drive me to work in a cubical all day doing whatever it is that I do. It's just that hookers and I find different ways to make our money. Sometimes they are both degrading, to differing degrees. Anyway, back to the porn thing. I don't understand why it's not considered prostitution. I know that they are "acting" too, but they're still getting paid for sex. I mean, if I go out to some shady area of town and pick up a hooker and I tell her that I'm hiring her to "act" in a movie that I'm making and will pay her $50 to have her perform fellatio, whether on myself or someone else, does that get me out of any possible "solitiation of prostitution" charges? Seriously, I have wondered about this. I'm really not sure why I have, but I don't get it. Anyone have any thoughts? I'm curious as to what you think.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Question from Mrs. Brick

I don't really have anything interesting to say, so I wasn't going to write anything today. But then my wife called me up and wanted me to post a question to you all, and hopefully you can answer in the comments section. Please! Here's her question:

There is a woman who is 25 years old. She has never had sex with a man, but she has had sex with women. The woman considers herself a virgin. Now I am not sure what kind of sex she's had, whether it's with dildos, fingers, cucumbers, or what, or if it's 69 or just oral, so that isn't known. So do you think this woman is a virgin or not? Mrs. Brick thinks that she isn't, and I think it depends on whether she had vaginal penetration on herself. Anyway, my wife would appreciate your perspective and comments. Thanks.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Love is in the Air

Happy Valentine’s Day! If you ever think that love is dead, or there are no more good love stories anymore, just know that on April 16th, Mary Kay Letourneau is planning to marry the kid she did (who’s now 22) that got her in trouble in the first place. That is some serious true love.

This weekend was crazy. I had to work until 8 PM on Friday night, and worked a total of ten and a half hours of OT. I did it to help out my supervisor and another person in my group, and I think they really appreciated what I did. Plus, my new manager asked my supervisor if there was anyone like me (specifically requesting me, which is weird since I’ve never talked to her before) that could help, so I really didn’t have a choice in my mind. But I did get to go to the KU/Colorado basketball game somewhere in the middle of it all, and went to my niece’s second birthday party, so it wasn’t all crap. But it was enough crap to last for a while.

So I did have time to watch “Surreal Life” last night, and it was pretty entertaining, especially the close-ups of Adrienne’s ass as she was working out. The show was focusing on the whole Adrienne loves Peter Brady storyline, and the cast mates had to pitch a show idea to VH-1 for a future reality show. Anyway, most of the ideas were stupid or incomprehensible (the whole Chyna and her roommate thing still has me confused), but the interesting one to me was when Adrienne said her show would be how she wanted Chris to marry her and she had two weeks to get him to. It was odd. Well, eventually it was made clear to Chris what Adrienne’s show idea was, and he was taken aback by it. He seemed weirded out by it, and said something like, “I don’t know what her motives are.” As I was watching this, I kept thinking that every male in the country thinks he’s a moron for not taking advantage of this right away. I sort of thought that. But then I was thinking, I’d be the exact same way. Basically Chris has probably been hearing for the last 30 years that he is a has-been and a living joke, and here’s some hot, young chick who’s acting like she’s in love with him. So I think if I was him, I’d almost be thinking that this was some joke to make him look like an ass on TV. I know that since they are dating now in real life, he figures it out. But really, I don’t blame him one bit.

Um. Yeah. I guess that’s all for now.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Where Do They Come Up With This Comedic Gold?

Every once in a while, something happens that I just cannot explain. One such thing is a little thing I like to call the “How the fuck did someone green-light this movie idea?” phenomenon. Some movies that fall into this category are “Gigli” (a crook tries to kidnap the retarded brother of a lesbian federal prosecutor, yet in the process falls in love with and turns her into a heterosexual), “Hollywood Homicide” (“Hey, let’s see what crazy hi-jinx will happen pairing an older Harrison Ford with a younger Josh Hartnett as two cops who are so insanely different from one another, yet get made partners!”), and “The Other Sister” (“Let’s make a movie about two retards who fall in love and get married, but let’s really work the retard-angle shamelessly and ridiculously to make it an absolute shit-fest!”). Well, there’s a new one coming out tomorrow, and I am certain that this will be along the same lines as those that have come before it. “Hitch” stars Will Smith, the man who starred in such classics as “The Legend of Bagger Vance” and “Wild, Wild West”, as the title character who is an anonymous “love doctor”. (Warning: Severe sarcasm ahead!) What Hitch does is help even the most incompetent of men with their relationships with women. He’s so damn smooth, he can even help out a fat, white guy! I mean, that takes some talent, because fat, white guys are so fucking lame. He’s apparently famous for helping out losers, and some gossip columnist is checking out one of his fat, white guy clients who is wooing some celebrity. While doing so, Hitch falls for the gossip columnist, who might just reveal to the world who he is. But here’s the wacky, unpredictable twist: Okay, get this. This is gold. When Hitch tries to woo the columnist himself (chuckle), he ends up not being so smooth. Hahahaha!!! He actually becomes a clumsy oaf himself (tee hee!), and continuously keeps doing and saying the wrong things! How zany is that?!?!? Woo! Oh man! That is good stuff. I mean, you’d think after giving away all his advice over the years to where he becomes a sort of a legend that he’d just dazzle this woman. But oh no, my friends…think again! This guy becomes just like one of the lame, fat, white guys that come to him for help! Oh shit! That is good, fucking stuff. How original is that?!?!? I don’t think that they’ll need to even have a category with five nominees for Best Original Screenplay for next year’s Oscars. We have a winner! And it definitely doesn’t hurt that the director is the same guy who directed “Fools Rush In”, “Sweet Home Alabama”, and an Olsen Twins movie. I only hope that they have a midnight showing tonight, because I can’t freaking wait! Oh man, that is rich!

It's Better to be a Drunk than a Boring Sober Guy

Apparently I am the most boring sober person of all time. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the opinions of the people in my bowling league. Well, I’ve heard that before on several occasions, more or less. “Why aren’t you drinking?” is something I hear quite a lot. “Why aren’t you being yourself?” is what I usually get, as apparently I’m more myself when I drink. Anyway, I told people at bowling last night that if I didn’t get a 600 series, I would drink a beer or two next week (my average is 198, so a 600 series would be pretty good for me). And I was well on my way to bowling like a 400 series, as I had a 21 after the first three frames of my first game with no marks. Then I got mad or annoyed or something, because from then on I shot lights-out (again, for my standards). I ended up with a 198 that first game, and also bowled a 221 and a 207 for a 626 series. But still, even though I bowled well, I kept getting asked by everyone what my deal was. The bartender, the waitress, Doncock, the Silent Assassin and his wife. Even the older couple on my team, who I thought were not so big on drinking, told me that I was more fun when I drank. I thought I was the only one who thought I was fun when I drank, but apparently that’s not the case. Everyone does. Actually, I think the way it was phrased by a few people was that I was either a whole lot more boring sober, or it looks like I’m not having any fun. I get the latter a lot, even from my wife. Even the lady on the other team who I’ve never talked to before in my life said something to that effect. So I think that I will have to succumb to the peer pressure and have a beer or two next week at bowling. Basically to be less annoyed. Er, I mean, so that I can fun and have a great time!!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

R.I.P. J.B.D.

I’m a little sad now. At lunch, I went to go to one of my favorite places, Jersey Boys’ Deli, to grab a sandwich, and they had a sign on the door stating that they were closed. I can’t say that I’m all that surprised, as the people there weren’t really that friendly (at least not to me), and the last two times I went there they didn’t have any Italian sausage to make my Italian sausage sandwich. But when they did have it, it was one of the best sandwiches I’ve had. So if keeping a healthy supply of Italian sausage was a problem and thus disappointing a frequent customer, it’s no real surprise that they couldn’t stay in business. And besides just being saddened that I will no longer be able to enjoy their delicious sandwiches, I will no longer be able to see their poster of Vin Diesel that said, “He’s not from Jersey, but he’s cute!” anymore. That’s one joy I’ll just have to learn to live without from now on.

Merry Ash Wednesday

Am I the only one who doesn’t care anymore about “American Idol” now that the preliminary judging is over with? It’s not so much that I like to see the terrible singers sing. I do like that, but it’s not the best part. What I like is seeing are the people in total denial of how terrible they are, and then see their families tell them that they are indeed talented and destined for super-duper stardom. I especially liked the one girl who said that Simon told her she was the best he’s heard, yet turned her down, when he actually said she had some potential but needed to work really, really hard to improve. And then her family was outraged about the “fact” that he rejected “the most talented singer he’s heard all day”. That’s good stuff. I also liked the lady who practically had an orgasm and fainted when her kid made it to the Hollywood auditions. That wasn’t too dramatic. Anyway, I saw part of the show last night, and there were a few family members in the crowd that they showed, but not nearly enough and not delusional enough for me to stay interested.

For the last few Februarys, I haven’t drank any alcohol (with the exception of when I’m at bowling, although I didn’t drink at bowling at last week and don’t plan on tonight or the rest of the month, but that depends on how I bowl). People always then ask me why, and I usually say that it’s just something I’ve done to maybe lose a few pounds. Then they usually will ask, “Why February?” They might also ask if I do it for Lent, which isn’t the case. Or they’ll say in a smart-ass way if I do it because February is the shortest month. But that’s not why I pick February either. It’s just that February is really the best month to not drink, because January has the NFL playoffs and Bowl games, not to mention my anniversary. March has March Madness and St. Patrick’s Day. April is Opening Day for baseball. May has Memorial Day weekend. June through August is summer, and that’s the most enjoyable time to get home after work and relax and drink a beer or have a couple with some friends at a bar’s patio. September has Labor Day weekend. October is Mrs. Brick’s birthday, along with a few other friends’ birthdays. November is when my birthday is, as well as Thanksgiving. And December is when New Year’s Eve takes place, so it’s a given that I’ll have a couple of drinks then. So basically it seems that February is the most logical month for me not to drink (even though the Super Bowl is now in February). But I think from now on, if someone asks me why I don’t drink in February, I’m just going to tell them that it’s because it’s Black History Month. I think the reaction I’d get would be pretty funny.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Sometime the Muppets Can Really Be Disturbing

I know that this isn't probably the first time you've heard anyone talk about this, but I hadn't heard anyone else mention it yet. But was anyone else disturbed by the Pizza Hut commercial during the Super Bowl where Miss Piggy was about to eat a strip of her pepperoni Dippin' Strips pizza? Do pigs get Mad Pig disease if they eat other pigs? Why couldn't they have at least shown her eating a Veggie Lovers pizza instead? I just found it a little disturbing. I wonder if Pizza Hut will get Foghorn Leghorn to promote some sort of chicken pizza in the future. I'm curious what Jeffrey Dahmer would have thought of it if he were still alive.

New Mexican Restaurant

There's a new Mexican restaurant between my work and my home, and I went there with some friends for lunch today. The tacos were good, but they were $2 a piece. Not cheap. And I got a tamale too, but it wasn't very good. The corn part of it was green, and it was like Jello. At least it wasn't sweet like Jello, but the texture was Jello-like and I didn't like it. The place was kinda weird because it was like a Mexican grocery store too (they sold stuff to make tamales, peppers, bananas that were black, tortillas, etc.) and they only had like 4 tables there. Another thing that was odd was that they serve breakfast (all day), but they don't open up until 10 AM. Even on Saturday and Sunday. I don't know if I want to go there again. Their menu was pretty much $2 tacos, Mexican sandwiches (I didn't know there was such a thing), quesadillas, and a few other random things. They didn't even have burritos! It's not the best Mexican restaurant in the world, needless to say (although I felt the need to write it). Now I know why my Mexican friend didn't join us. Well, that and because he probably went home and jerked off.

TV is my Friend

‘Sup? I’m doing okay, although the first thing anyone says to me at work today is “Congratulations!” to which I replied, “For what?” Then he replies, “You’re going to be working all of the (certain type of orders that we work) from now on.” I told him that I had no fucking idea what he was talking about, and he said, “Oops!” and walked away. I asked my supervisor if this was true, and she said it was. So I was annoyed for a few reasons. First of all, I didn’t like hearing this from someone else in my group and not from someone higher up than me at my company. I found that kinda shady. Secondly, the type of orders that only I will be working are more difficult than the other order types and isn’t really a good thing. So that was a little annoying. And finally, being the only person to do this isn’t something you congratulate someone on. It’s more like something you say, “Oh man, that sucks for you. Sorry.” So it pissed me off that he said, “Congratulations!” to me about it. It really wouldn’t be a big deal if my supervisor had just come over to me and said, “Hey, from now on, since you got your promotion, you will be the only person working these types of orders.” I’d be okay with that. But being told by someone else within two minutes of sitting down at my desk this morning kind of frustrates me. So basically now I just need to get over myself, which shouldn’t take too long.

Okay. I’m over myself now. Thanks.

When I was in the shower last night after working out, I was thinking about “24”. You know, I really don’t know why I like this show. But I do really like it. I mean, the acting isn’t really all that good. Fucking Kiefer Sutherland is the star of the show, so that pretty much shows how acting skills aren’t a priority for the show’s producers (not to mention the best actors Penny Jerald Johnson and Dennis Haysbert were written out of it). The storylines are unbelievable (in a bad sense) and it really seems like a lot of things that happen on this show couldn’t happen ever, whether it be physically, like Kief going into a warehouse and killing a dozen people and not getting as much as a paper cut, or practically, like how Kief isn’t even working for CTU, yet he’s still basically running the show. Yet with all of its flaws, I am absolutely drawn to this show. And while I feel like it should be a guilty pleasure, everyone else seems to like it too. Go figure.

Okay, back to “Surreal Life”, which I haven’t discussed since I’ve been back. What a great fucking show! Here is my opinion on the seven cast members so far:

Christopher Knight – He is a really cool dude. He might actually be my favorite person on any of the “Surreal Life” seasons, even more than Ron Jeremy. I am shocked, because I thought I’d like him like I like Coulier, Hammer, and Estrada, but this guy is nice like them but just a pretty cool guy on top of it. This goes to show that I can never rule anyone out as being someone I might like. I mean, if you would have told me six months ago that my three favorite people/actors that I’ve seen on TV or in a movie recently would be Peter Brady, Doogie Howser, and Lowell from “Wings”, I’d have told you that you were a fucking idiot. Yet after seeing “Surreal Life”, “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”, and “Sideways”, that has been the case. Maybe if I went to the dinner theater right next to where I work I’d be blown away by how awesome Sally Struthers is. Well, probably not.

Da Brat – I don’t like Da Brat. I think she’s boring. She almost seems to be stuck up, which apparently is the case as she doesn’t think she’s a has-been like the others. I agree. She’s more like a never-was. At least to me.

Jane from “The Go-Go’s” – I really like Jane. She seems really nice and sweet, and yet you know she’s got a crazy side to her. We haven’t seen much of it yet, but I’m hoping that we do soon. Really soon.

Marcus Schenkenberg – He’s okay. I’m sure that the ladies dig him, and he seems like he’s a nice enough guy. He’s just kinda blah, and I think that he’s in love with Chris. Which it seems a lot of people are, so maybe that’s nothing to be alarmed about.

Chyna Doll/Joanie Laurer – They’ve put both names on screen at different times when she’s talking, so forgive me if I ever call her by the wrong name. Kinda like Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy. Anyway, she has issues. Serious issues. I’m pretty sure that her blood alcohol level is always twice above the legal limit. And sometimes it probably approaches Ted Kennedy-levels. I’m almost scared for her. If I were to partake in a “Surreal Life” dead pool, I’m guessing that Chyna would be the number one pick, followed by Vince Neil and Vanilla Ice. By the way, if there was a “Surreal Life” dead pool, I would never pick Corey Feldman. He’d be like my insurance policy. Because if I were to lose the dead pool because he died, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Kinda like betting against your favorite team. If they win, you’re happy because they won. And if they lose, well, at least you made a few bucks. If you’re gonna lose a “Surreal Life” dead pool, there’s no better way to lose than by Feldman dying. That’d easily be worth my $20.

Adrienne Curry – I kinda like her. She’s got a little Trishelle in her in that she likes the cocktails. She’s got a little Bridget in her, as she likes to get naked (although Adrienne getting naked is a good thing. A very good thing). But she seems like she’s actually a good person too, which is pretty appealing. And she’s currently dating Chris, so she’s got that going on her side too.

Verne Troyer – Mini-Me is definitely the Feldman/Traci Bingham/Ryan Starr person of this season. Where part of me feels genuinely bad because he just can’t do things that the others can (like ride a horse for a long time, which even Charla could do), he’s just such an unlikable, whiny prick. I’m sure it’s not the easiest thing to have short legs, but how hard could it really be to just walk to the bathroom instead of riding his Rascal? I think that would be the equivalent of me walking to the sixth floor bathroom from my desk on the fifth floor, and I’ve done that without much trouble. But I am glad that he is on the show, because the funniest moment in television this year was when he was naked, drunk, and riding around in his Rascal and pissing in the corner of the living room. And then telling Chris and Marcus that he was drunk, because they wouldn’t have figured it out otherwise (well, maybe it was good that he told Marcus). That is something that you cannot make up and sell as being realistic in a sitcom. That’s something that only a dwarf and two thimbles of Bud Light can bring us. And that’s a good thing.

I think from now on, what I will do is write a little entry, and then send an email out to whoever wants one letting them know that there is something new on the site. And then, throughout the day, when I feel like writing something, I just will, but I won’t send an email every time. I’ll just send it out for the first one of the day, and if you want, you can just check back during the day to see if there’s anything new. Because I’m guessing you’d rather have smaller entries than one really long one like today’s. If I’m wrong, just let me know. Later.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Really? I Had a Buddy Who Was From Uranus!

This weekend was pretty much uneventful. Friday night we bought Mrs. Brick’s parents dinner, and hung out with them until the boy needed to go to bed. Saturday was spent helping a friend move some of her stuff into our basement to store, as she is leaving to join the Peace Corps this week, grocery shopping for baby food, and watching the boy as Mrs. Brick went to a going away party for our Peace Corps-joining friend. Sunday was spent watching the boy and the Super Bowl, which was pretty boring. I didn’t find the game that interesting, and I didn’t really think any of the commercials that I saw were that outstanding. At least not as funny as the Viagra/Enzyte/Cialis parody that that they had on “The Simpsons” for a product called “Jamittin”. Now that was funny.

I mentioned the other day about the timeshare tour and the horrible salesman that gave us the tour. Well, I never mentioned how much I hate those sales pitches and the salesman who give them. First of all, I hate high pressure sales. There is no way that I would put down $2,000 and pledge $200 a month for eight years from a 90-minute presentation. It’s just not something I could do. Secondly, I hate it when people that I don’t know tell me what the responsible thing to do with my money is. How the fuck do they know? Also, I told them what my job was when I got there, and from then on out they kept acting like I was a computer programmer, which I’m not. I even told the lady who checked us in that I was definitely not a programmer, but she still wrote that on the sheet they handed to the salesmoron, and he kept talking about computer programming stuff during the tour that I had no idea about. He was talking about certain codes, and Mrs. Brick even told him again that I wasn’t a computer programmer, but yet he kept talking about it, except when he was telling my wife about what drugs he was taking and how much he likes to drink. But I think the thing that annoys me the most about those timeshare presentations (I’ve had two now) is that no matter where you are from, the salesperson either used to live there or has a buddy or relative who lives there. No difference with this last time. We came in, and dumbass me was wearing a “KANSAS” jacket. So they knew I wasn’t a local. So when I got to the table, the guy was like, “Oh, my buddy lives in Kansas.” I asked where, figuring that the only three cities he’d know would be Wichita, Topeka, or Kansas City. Sure enough, it was Kansas City. And then the guy’s “uncle” came over, and he used to live in Wichita too, and Kansas City once we told him we lived in a KC suburb. We asked where, and his response was “You know that really busy street? Um, I gotta help this other couple. Nice meeting you folks.” And he walked away. Later on, a couple said that they were from Raleigh, and you wouldn’t believe it but our salesmoron had an uncle who was a cop there. What a small world? I’m sure dude has uncles who live in all 50 states and in each of the 150 top media markets too. I think if I ever get stuck in another one of those things, I should just play along with the salesperson and ask questions about the “relative” and act like I know people at that job too. It’d be like this:

Salesdork: I have an uncle who’s a cop in Wisconsin.
Me: Really? Where?
Salesdork: Um, in Milwaukee.
Me: Really? Do you know which precinct or area?
Salesdork: Um, downtown.
Me: No way! What’s his name?
Salesdork: It’s, um, Haywood Jablomee.
Me: Hold on a second. (taking out cell-phone and dialing) Hey, Uncle Tom. It’s me, Fist Tickle Brick…Yeah, I’m at this timeshare presentation in Vegas, and this guy said his uncle was in the force up there in Milwaukee….I know. What a small world, huh?...Do you know a Haywood Jablomee? He thinks he’s downtown…Uh-huh…(Turning to salesdork) He says there’s no Haywood Jablomee in the force. You sure about that?

I’d just like to see their reaction. I think that’d be funny. You probably don’t, but that’s just me.

Well, that’s it for now. I had a meeting this morning, so I am short on time. Take it easy.

Friday, February 04, 2005

So How Have You Been?

Before I tell you about recent happenings, let me say thanks for the comments. It'd be cool if you signed up so that you had a non-anonymous name when you post. It doesn't take very long, and you can give me a name to refer to you as in future entries. As you can see, I am not using any names yet so that the anonymity for everyone will be intact. And so no one gets fired. So if you can, I think it would be cool and others have told me that they'd like that better too. Anyway, let me catch you up on the last few weeks since I haven't written much...

My wife's mom had some heart troubles, but she appears to be okay and improving. Although she did sprain her ankle pretty bad this week too. Along with her injury a few months back while putting up a shelf and falling, this should be the last of her injuries for a while. You know, as they always come in threes.

Last weekend I surprised my wife for our fifth anniversary by taking her to Vegas for the weekend. She had no idea, and was pretty floored. I thought I was pretty cool. When she got off work on Friday, she went to go and pick up our son at her parents' house, and when she was there I came in and told her to say bye to him because she needed to go home and pack for the trip (no way could I pack for her for Vegas, with us going to Spagos for dinner and to a Cirque de Soleil show too). I don't think she believed it was happening until we landed in Vegas and heard all the slot machines in the airport. That night we went to see the Second City perform, and it was okay. Not as good as I expected, and it was about twice the price that I expected. That, along with being pretty tired and the $4.50 Miller Lite bottles, probably didn't help my enjoyment. But it was good anyway. The next day was our anniversary, and we walked around a bit. As we were walking to the Monte Carlo to have lunch at their brewpub, we got stopped by a guy trying to get us to take a timeshare tour. I didn't want to go, but I thought Lulu did so we could get $75 for a two hour presentation that we would eventually say no to. I guess she thought I wanted to go, so we each decided to go for each other. Well, that really sucked. We had the worst salesman ever, who stunk like cigarettes and coffee, was telling my wife about what medication he takes for anxiety, and would scribble shit down on paper that was supposed to be some sort of math problem to show how much we would save if we went with them. The dude was a fucking moron. Eventually, we got to see a film about the program, and it was the typical Don Lupre-type infomercial where people lives "are so much nicer and they take such better vacations because they joined the program." This was the same type of sales pitch that the last company I worked for used, and it was crap also. But at the end of the video, our salesman goes, "That's so beautiful when the sun goes up and down over the water." Thanks man. That was pretty deep. That sold us. Well, after we told him no, and then told his "uncle" no, we told the last guy no (who responded to my wife's comment "The responsible thing would be for us to say no," with "That'd be the IRRESPONSIBLE thing for you to do!"), we got our $75 and left. We finally got to the brewpub, and the beers were okay. Well, some of them were. Their light beer was maybe the worst non-flavored beers (i.e. maple, chile, raspberry, etc.) I ever had. It was nasty. The food was good though. After that we went back to our hotel and watched the KU/Texas game. I put $20 on them to win by more than nine points, and they won by 25. So that was one of my few Vegas victories. After the game, we had dinner at Spagos, and it was pretty nice. My wife absolutely loved her meal, and mine was good although I wasn't too hungry from lunch. After dinner we went back to our hotel, and I played craps while my wife watched (she didn't want to play $10 Blackjack, and they didn't have any $5 tables anywhere that we could find). The next day I woke up early, went down to the sportsbook to make a few parlay bets (which I lost) and played more craps. That afternoon we went to see Mystere, a Cirque de Soleil show. I got us really good seats (fourth row) and my wife loved it. I liked it too, as it was pretty entertaining. I hope that doesn't mean I'm gay now. After that, we went to The Palms so my wife could look for celebrities. I thought for a second that I saw the guy who played Ryan's ex-girlfriend's fiance on "The O.C." but it wasn't him. And I'm not 100%, but I'm 95% sure that I saw Jamie Pressley walk by as we waited for our table for dinner. Think she was strung out, and she was a stick, but I didn't get the best look, so it might not have been her. We ate, went back and gambled a bit more, and headed to bead. Monday morning we woke up early, checked our bags and checked out, and I played some more craps. I ended up losing again (only $18 though), and I think I personally lost $100-150 for the weekend. When I was done, my wife finally decided to play $10 Blackjack. Good thing she did, because she ended up winning $135 in about 45 minutes. Love that woman. I just wish she would have been playing earlier in the trip! We left soon thereafter, and came home. It was a great weekend.

I just realize that I broke the "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" rule. So you can never say that I don't do anything for you guys. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Ta Da!!!

Well, here it is. The real debut of Fist Tickle Brick. There are a few things I have to explain before I start:

First of all, I didn’t really have a choice in shutting down the last site that I did. Here’s the gist of what happened: I got a promotion at work. I was pretty excited about it. Only two people in the entire group got this promotion, and I was lucky enough to be one of them. Well, after I got the promotion, or actually when it was announced, within seconds people were pissed off and acted like dicks. Not so much that I got the promotion, I was told, but for other reasons. They didn’t know there was such a title. They felt they should have gotten it. Blah blah blah. Anyway, so I got the promotion, and the backlash began. People who I thought were my friends (and were on the last site’s mailing list) went to one of the supervisors and complained about my site. It was bullshit. People were forwarding my emails to the supervisor, and she had a problem with it. Why? I’m not so sure, since I didn’t mention any names, use the company’s name, or basically say anything that I thought was a problem. Plus I was getting my shit done. Well, I guess I was mistaken, and the other supervisor, my supervisor (who kicks ass by the way), told me that apparently people had a problem with me writing it and complained to the other supervisor about it. She defended me, saying that I was one of the best performers in the group (if not the best), didn’t take three smoke breaks an hour, don’t socialize at other people’s cubes all day, and never caused any problems. She actually told me that she thought I should keep writing it, because I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but she agreed with me that it was probably the smart thing to do to stop. I didn’t want there to be a problem with it with one of the supervisors, so I stopped. Well, after I emailed people announcing the end of the site, I went over to my manager to thank him for the promotion. I told him that I worked hard to get it, and that I appreciated it. Basically he told me that I could be working a lot harder, and that I needed to stop the site. I was kinda floored and pissed about this, because he kept going on about it and how I could get in trouble with HR because of slander and was wasting time. Which is funny, because I don’t think I ever wrote anything that was untrue about anyone I worked with (whose names I didn’t use) and I rarely socialize and I don’t smoke or take smoke breaks. So that pissed me off, on top of the backlash from my co-workers. And the main thing that pissed me off is that one of the people who complained about my site to the supervisor was the dude who got the other promotion. A guy who was on my mailing list, and someone who had always acted like a friend. I have no idea why he did that, but he did. He even sent an instant message to one of the pissed off people in my group (who then printed it out) which said that the only reason I got the promotion was because my supervisor wanted to give one to someone under her. Which by the way is total bullshit, but I can’t go into that whole thing here. At least not now. Basically, what should have been a great and happy day for me was ruined because of being told by my manager that I wasn’t working hard enough, I was told that a supervisor had a major problem with my site, and then finding out that people who I believed were my friends had a serious case of sour grapes and pretty much tried to get me in trouble, or possibly fired. So not to go on forever about it, but that’s why the last site stopped. I didn’t really have an option.

Secondly, Fist Tickle Brick is nothing dirty. Basically it came from my idea that the best way to name a band is to have three people each write down a word and then they combine them to create the band name. One night some of my friends and I were at a brewpub, and we tried it. We didn’t write it down, but we each thought of a word, and then told the first guy to say his word, then me, and then the last guy. The first guy said, “Fist.” I said, “Tickle.” And the last guy said, “Brick.” That is basically it. Nothing to do with fisting or anything like that, although maybe that should become a new term. But for now, it’s just a kick ass name.

Also, I am cool with you forwarding this site to others. Just please, and I beg of you, please don’t send it to people at my work who might try and get me in trouble or who might have a problem with what I write. I have a wife and kid, and I kinda need my job. So I’d like to keep it. I seriously never thought this would be an issue or something I’d have to address, but apparently it is. Thanks.

Lastly, I won’t be updating this every day. I don’t think, at least. I might, but it’s not likely, as with my new promotion I have been really, really busy. And I might just write if I think I have something interesting to say. And when I do write a new entry, I probably won’t have it done until after noon Central Time. I will have to spread out when I write during my work day, to avoid people noticing me writing it. Because there are a lot of fuckers that I do not trust now. But I will try to keep in touch so that you’ll know what the deal is. Feel free to post some comments, and I will try to give you some more interesting shit tomorrow.

Everybody sucks! Except you of course. I like you.